Azula's Recovery - Avatar: TLA

5.4 - Ursa

After Kaya had poured them some more tea, and offered them a little tray of mochi, she resumed the conversation.

"Ursa, Azula often felt as a child, that you didn't love her. That Zuko was your favourite and that she simply didn't matter to you." Kaya spoke bluntly and the words were like daggers to Ursa's chest. Her worst fears had been confirmed: that Azula really hadn't felt loved as a child.

Azula's head snapped up and she began glaring at an unfazed Kaya.

Ursa hung her head, "I am so sorry that you felt – feel that way. I did and still do love you Azula. I wasn't always the best mother, I understand why you felt that way. Ozai encouraged all the worst parts of you, the parts that were like him and he turned you into someone I never hoped you would be. I was afraid, I didn't know how to help you, and after a time, it seemed like you didn't want anything to do with me. It felt like you acted out to upset me: burning flowers and plants, throwing rocks at the turtleducks and constantly mocking Zuko. I thought I had taught you to be kind, and caring, but you seemed to only want destruction and pain. I gave up on you, and for that, I am so sorry."

Kaya turned to Azula as well, her voice steady as she asked, "Why did you act out like that if you knew your mother didn't like it?" Azula glared at her and Kaya backtracked, "I don't mean for that to be rude, and I'm not blaming you, child, I just want to understand."

Azula paused, and Ursa held her breath, waiting to hear her voice after so long.

"Well, father would always say how Zuko's soft and kind heart made him weak. It would make him a terrible Fire Lord, and, and father would punish him for it...a lot. I had no wish to be hurt or berated, and so I adhered to my father's wishes, and became what he wanted me to be."

"Why did you choose your father's plans and wishes over your mother's?"

"He was far more powerful than her. And power makes you strong and it makes you safe."

Ursa felt a hot tear roll down her cheek. She felt like a complete failure. She hadn't been able to protect them from Ozai, and she was finally seeing the damage she'd caused.

"It seems to me that you were doing what you felt you had to, to survive." Kaya hummed thoughtfully, "You weren't able to ever become Azula, you had to be whatever you needed to be at the time to survive. Living by your incredible wits and desperation. Living with the knowledge that one wrong step could be your doom. Your father did that to you. But remember child, he's gone now and you are safe."

Azula nodded. Kaya continued, "Ursa, what did you think of Ozai?"

Ursa laughed sharply as she wiped at her tear, her anger rising up inside her, "What did I think of him? He was a monster. I knew it from the moment I saw him in my father's greenhouse. Azulon had tracked us down, believing that joining his bloodline with a descendant of my grandfather, Avatar Roku would produce more powerful heirs."

Azula whipped her head around to Ursa, clearly this was the first time she had heard such a thing.

"He took me to the capital for our wedding and told me that I would have to cut ties with all of my old family and friends. I was so alone. Zuko was born, and then Azula and I was still...alone. Ozai had all of my maids report back to him about everything I was doing. Then at night..." she shivered and shoved away the thoughts of those nights spent with Ozai.

"Ozai was a monster. The worst kind, because he liked it. He liked hurting people and he loved hurting me. That's why he was so awful to Zuko...I-I knew that Ozai read the letters I tried to write to home, so I wrote one saying that I was glad that Zuko wasn't Ozai's son. Ozai confronted me, because we both knew it wasn't true. He promised to fulfil my wish, by treating Zuko as if he wasn't his child." Ursa laughed angrily as the tears kept flowing, "I hated him. So, so much. And yet, through all the awful things that happened, I am so glad I had two beautiful children, and I am even more happy that I was able to reunite with them, all these years later. I'm sorry I didn't protect you from him. I'm sorry I failed you."

Ursa turned to look at Azula, and though she had returned to staring straight ahead, Ursa noticed a single tear slide down her face.

"Azula? Do you want to continue?" Kaya implored. Azula nodded, wiping at the tear. "Did you have anything you wanted to say?" 

Ursa got the feeling Kaya was silently urging Azula to speak up. When Azula said nothing, Kaya turned to Ursa, "Then let's talk about one other thing today." 

Ursa nodded, urging Kaya to continue

"Ursa, when Ozai left Azula to become Fire Lord, she had a – let's call it a sort of mental...breakdown. She became extremely paranoid and banished everyone close to her. Then when she was truly all alone, she began to have hallucinations...of you."

Ursa was horrified. Pain tore through her chest as she thought of Azula, on what should have been one of the happiest days of her life, all alone. Tears began to spill over again as she turned to her daughter, who had completely closed in on herself, hugging her knees to her chest.

Kaya went on, "It seems that in her weakest moment, and when she was all alone, all she wanted was her mother. All she wanted was you."

Azula sprang up, yelling at Kaya, but Ursa couldn't hear them anymore. She tried to take it in. Her daughter, who hated her, was sitting there beside her. Her daughter, who tried to kill her... Her daughter who had hallucinated her. Her daughter had wanted her, wanted to see and talk to her. Ursa's chest tightened, and she was sure that this was what true heartbreak felt like.

Azula and Kaya stood nose to nose, arguing back and forth. Slowly, Ursa stood.

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