Azula's Recovery - Avatar: TLA

5.2 - Azula

Azula strode purposefully down the corridor towards the room she and Kaya used for their meetings.

I can do this I can do this I can do this...

She didn't know why her stomach seemed to be doing flips, or why her mouth was completely dry or why she had spent an extra half hour perfecting her hair that morning.

It's just Kaya, she's seen me at my absolute worst, Azula kept reminding herself, But I know I can get it right this time, I'm sure of it!

She'd eventually made it to breakfast, nodding to Zuko on his way out and had eaten alone. Azula had been too distracted to eat much, her thoughts racing as she thought about all the questions Kaya would ask, all the memories that this session would bring up.

Now, she stood at the door to their little room, desperately trying to convince her arm to lift, so she could open the door.

Right when she'd been about to abandon the whole thing entirely, the door opened from inside, and Kaya poked an unimpressed face outside. "Were you just going to stand there all day?" she asked, eyebrow quirked.

"I was just about to open it," Azula snapped.

"Mm-hmm." Kaya stood aside and Azula entered the room, plonking down in her usual seat.

"Kaya?" she started, before she lost her nerve completely. "I was hoping that today, we could talk about something...new."

"Like what?" Kaya settled down in the seat opposite her, crossing her legs.

"Like...well we've spoken so much about me and Zuko and Suki and my father. I know I've been hesitant to talk about my mother, and Mai and Ty Lee but..." she sucked in a breath. "I want to see them again, and I don't want to lose control and blast them to bits. So...help. Please."

Kaya laughed, "You really do have a way with words. Did you have anything specific that you wanted to say, or shall I just ask questions?"

"Just ask questions." Sometimes, Azula found that though she was feeling intensely about something, she couldn't always articulate how she felt or what was causing the feelings. Kaya always seemed to know exactly what questions to ask to get to the bottom of Azula's problems, and she trusted Kaya to do it again."

"Very well. Let's start with your mother. When I say her name, tell me how she makes you feel, and what memories come up, okay?"

"All right."

"Ursa." Azula's stomach dropped and she chastised herself for it. Why do I keep having this stupid reaction?

The first image that came to mind was of that day in the garden all those weeks ago. She'd seen the fear in her mother's eyes, and yet as she had come closer to Azula, there hadn't been any fear, only sorrow...and something softer. Of course, she also thought about the hallucinations of her mother, the years she spent being haunted by Ursa's declarations of love and destiny. Kaya looked at her expectantly.

"I thought of seeing her that day in the garden. She had been afraid to see me there because...well, she thinks I'm a monster. But, I – also, I used to...hallucinate her. During my preparation to become Fire Lord I – I had been so paranoid, I'd banished everyone, Lo and Li, all my servants and the Dai Li. And then, there she was, the only one left. She– she spoke to me, told me that I was confused, and that she loved me. For years after that, she followed me everywhere saying those same words, 'I love you Azula, I do.' I still...sometimes I can still hear it."

"Azula, in our very first meeting together, you told me that you thought love was weakness. Do you still think the same?"

"I suppose not. It can be helpful...sometimes."