fear has always been my best friend.
since a young age, whenever i was faced with the potential of brilliance, fear would be my only constant.
fear to stand in front of people and face them.
i remember being in the second grade when it happened for the first time.
it was a recitation competition and i forgot my lines halfway.
no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't recollect any of it.
i could feel the eyes of every single soul in that room stare at me in eager expectation, some already having made a judgment while others were more sympathetic.
i could see my mother try to mouth the words to me but i couldn't understand any of it.
the timer buzzed and i was ushered out amidst laughter and sighs of pity.
ever since then, it always rung in my mind.
every time i would get up on stage, i would forget my lines.
every time i would speak up in a group and people stopped to listen to me, i would forget what i wanted to say.
every time i tried to have a say on the table at home, i found myself go mute.
the first time i broke the curse was when i was seventeen years old.
when i stood up for myself against three boys who were bullying a freshman in the loo.
something snapped in me that day.
always a gush of a strongly palpitating heart, cold palms and nausea in my throat, my limbs shook with the effort of ignorance until i could take it no more.
it was like my subconscious dam just burst.
the boys were surprised for they had never heard me speak before, much less in the pitch i just shrieked.
there was nothing heroic about what i did that day. needless to say, i was also given a beating after 10 minutes of incoherent nonsense.
but i lost my fear that day.
since that very moment, it was as though life had taken an unprecedented turn. the block was gone and i was reconnected with words again.
the drama team was mine.
the debate team was mine.
the popular group was mine.
my own voice was mine.
today i am twenty-six years old - a corporate worker by day and a public speaker by hobby.
every time i walk on stage and the audience goes quiet, the same sensation threatens to take over. fear peaks at me through the rapid cooling of my palms and my heart begins to ring in my ears.
but then i smile and start with a joke.
everybody laughs.
they find me funny.
and if i can make them laugh, i never have to fear being laughed at again.
it is usually at this point that fear and i bid goodbye for the day.
🦋
- an achiever once shackled by a bad day
🦋
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Barren | ✓
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