Barren | ✓

c o r a l

"no."

"what do you mean, no?"

"no means no."

"but... you never say no to anything!"

"so?"

"so... what?"

"i don't think no is going to work here. you have to do this!"

"well, i think i made myself amply clear. i've always been there to help you out with things but it won't be possible this time. i'm sorry but maybe you can approach someone else."

this is a conversation i always played in my head every time i said yes when i wanted to say no.

as a kid, i loved being loved by others. and the best way to be loved by others was to make them happy. and the thing that made people the happiest was when i listened to them unlike other children throwing a tantrum and getting their way.

everybody lauded me. i was the star of people's eyes, everybody's favourite. i was the example people gave their children when it came to model behaviour.

i never realized when that motivation to please turned into a desperate plea for validation.

as i grew older, i realized that i didn't always want the same things that others wanted from me.

but saying it out loud was not an option.

the first time i spoke up, my mother didn't talk to me for two days.

the need for validation thundered in my veins. i had never been in the black before this way. i needed to become the star again. i needed to be loved.

and it happened for the second time with a friend at school.

the third time with my aunt.

the fourth time with my grandfather.

the fifth time with my sister.

the sixth time, i kept quiet. it was easier to say yes and be good than to say no and be bad.

it became a way of life.

every time i wanted to say no, i swallowed my pride and forced a smile, the word yes leaving my lips before i could consciously come to the same effort.

yes was the new way of life.

people never seemed to think much about what i wanted after a while. it was taken for granted that the answer would always be yes.

yes became my weakness; my need for validation a sickness.

years passed by and things remained the same. i grew mentally weary of living like a robot. of being a slave to this bizarre psychological need of being perfect.

i was not perfect. on the contrary, i was as far from it as the next person.

somewhere through the journey, a strange pulse of frustration began to accumulate, creating a restlessness that often made me believe i was living a double life.

that double life took the shape of fictional characters in their dysfunctional world.

it was easier to make others stand up for themselves than to practice the same.

everybody has a breaking point.

i had mine too.

when that happened, there was nothing that could have prepared me for the tumult of issues that had built up over the years.

there were overlaps of consequential decisions that led to a domino of pent of emotions and unresolved frustrations.

for the first time, i realized how utterly i hated the perfection i had devised for myself.

i wanted to be a version of myself that was perfect for me, not for the society.

and so i spent the next four years trying to recreate the definition of self-worth by being the best in my eyes.

people believed that i had gained a voice. that perhaps i had suddenly become too opinionated. that maybe hormones had driven me to become unreasonable. or perhaps i had suddenly gotten too big for my boots and chose to say yes very selectively.

nobody liked me putting myself first except for the people who genuinely saw me growing out of the toxicity i had bred for myself.

even now, there are moments where a yes is easier as a compromise to keep hearts.

but a no where i can't put myself into is what i promised myself the day i chose to make the decision to embrace my imperfections.

the validation i needed was right within me.

all i needed to do to take away the shroud of societal acceptance.

and that started with a no.

💮

- learning the the art of saying no one step at a time

💮