Drowning

Chapter 46:

Ezra's blue eyes followed me everywhere in my dreams. We were having a picnic on a blanket in a park when he began kissing me and lowered me down to the ground. He owned every inch of me as he took me and told me how much I meant to him. In my sleep, I let him have me completely. I gave myself to him, unguarded and unafraid. When we were finished, he stood up, smiling over top of me. I closed my eyes for a second when the sun bathed his naked body in light. When I opened them, he was gone. I laid naked and exposed on the blanket as the world continued moving around me. I tried to grab for my clothes, but they were gone. There was no way I could hide myself away. Some girl walked past me and laughed at me lying on the ground.

"You'll never be enough for him. He will never love you."

I woke up exhausted, my insides were hollow and the nightmare had shaken me to the core. I knew it wasn't real, but I felt it deep inside of me. There was no way I was going to get what the girl said to me out of my head.

"You'll never be enough for him. He will never love you."

I reached for my phone and sent him a quick text telling him I couldn't wait to see him tonight. I waited for what felt like forever for a response. I got nothing from him.

I knew the hours would tick by slowly as I waited to go see the band play tonight. I spent all day thinking about him and how just his breathing brought something primal out of me.

I attempted to decipher the dream and what my subconscious was trying to tell me. I pictured Ezra staring at me, licking his lips, and pushing the hair back from his face. That image alone had me touching myself again to relieve the pressure and help distract me from my thoughts. I grabbed my phone waiting to see if he messaged back after I finished for the third time.

Still nothing.

I thought long and hard throughout the day about keeping this a secret. I felt like we were close to having to let JD know there was something going on, but I wanted to know how serious this was before we told him. I didn't want to tell JD thinking that Ezra wanted to be in a relationship with me only to find out this was just a long hookup. My mind and body wouldn't be able to handle rejection from Ezra; it would shatter me into pieces. I needed to know that Ezra was in this as deep as I was. If he wasn't, then this needed to end before we both got hurt. Ezra would hurt me without even knowing it and JD would hurt Ezra for leading me on.

I picked my phone back up again and sent him another message.

Me: I know you're busy today, but can you call me when you get a chance?

I sat there waiting to see if he would respond. I saw the little bubbles pop up and then nothing. He saw the message and chose not to answer me. He was so infuriating.

I spent the rest of the day waiting for him to call while praying this was a real relationship and JD could learn to accept it. JD didn't always think I had the best judgment, but he might trust his friend if he knew he had good intentions.

Wouldn't it be better that I was with someone he knew and spent a lot of time with than someone he didn't know?

Damn my mind and these racing thoughts.

I needed to go find something to do to keep my brain from obsessing over this whole messed up situation. I grabbed my earbuds and stuck them in before going downstairs to the kitchen. I reached in a cabinet and pulled out some cleaner and rags as the loud music filled my ears. I watched the steam pour off the bucket while it was filling with hot water. I grabbed the rag and dunked it in the cleaning mixture. It was hot and burned my skin a little. I welcomed the burn.

Two hours later, I looked up and jumped, knocking my fourth bucket of water over. JD was standing in the doorway, watching me with amused eyes. I pulled my earbuds out as I cursed him out for scaring me.

"Hey, Lil bit." JD smiled at me with his toothy grin.

"Mom and Dad are at work." I was completely annoyed at him for invading my peace.

"Yeah, I know. Anna is at work and I was bored. I was just checking to see what you were up to. Now I know you are even more bored than I am." He grabbed a dry rag and began helping me soak up the contents of the bucket. In a few minutes, we had most of the mess cleaned up and the floor was almost dry.

I went to the sink to rinse the bucket out and clean out the rags. JD sat down behind the island and began drumming his fingers on the counter. His rhythmic pounding was driving me insane.

Why did he always have to make noise?

"Will you stop?" I turned around and bit his head off. He raised an eyebrow and stared at me. I could see him trying to connect the dots. He looked at the bucket and then back to my face. His posture slowly turned from one filled with curiosity to overprotective brother within seconds.

"You alright? You seem kind of bitchy this morning. Is something wrong?"

"What makes you think something's wrong?" I had no patience for him right now.

"You're just like Mom. You scrubbed the kitchen spotless. You only do that when someone has you upset. Remember when that jackass broke up with you? You spent two days pulling everything out of the cabinets and reorganizing them. You tried to label the pantry. I had to sit on you to get you to stop. You are so neurotic." He paused, taking a breath before moving on. "Did something happen?"

"No, James." I spat out his first name, causing him to go deeper into thought. I wasn't doing a great job of convincing him I was fine.

"Riley, what is going on with you? I'm your big brother. You need to tell me so I can help you."

"James, have you ever thought that you being so damn overprotective is part of my problem in the first place? I spend so much time worrying you will be mad at me or will go off the deep end and fight anyone who messes with me. It's exhausting. Can't I just screw up from time to time without you rushing in to try to save me?" My voice was a little too loud and it quivered, breaking at the end. I wasn't sure if I really meant everything I just said, but it felt like I did at that moment.

"Riley, not all people are good. You are naïve and you want to see the best in everyone. The world is damaged and broken and people like you get devoured by it. I love you and I will not let anyone hurt you." His face reddened and a little bit of his temper was starting to come out.

I sighed. I wanted to let it all out and tell him what was really bothering me today. If this was any other situation and any other guy, I would have already been sitting on the couch pouring my soul out to JD. I was a terrible sister for keeping this from him.

"JD, I have been seeing someone." I blurted out.

I covered my mouth with my hands and stared down at my feet. This was bad, I shouldn't have done that.

"Who is he? Did he do something to you?" JD's temper flared up now that he had more information. My memory recalled the time he almost killed the guy who was messing with me and how my parents cried when they went down to bail him out. I couldn't put him in that situation again.

"No, I just...uh...don't know what he wants from me. We aren't officially together, but he acts like we are sometimes. I wish he would just tell me what he wants. I'm just really confused right now."

JD's stance relaxed a bit.

"That's it? You're this upset because you haven't defined a new relationship? That can take time, Lil bit. How about you bring him to the show tonight and I can talk to him after." JD suggested this like it would be a simple solution to my complex problem.

"Not yet, JD. Let me try to work it out with him first. Having you jump in would make it more complicated. I can't handle the pressure right now."

"Fine, just let me know if you need your big brother to set him straight." He smiled and winked at me. He got up and walked around the counter. He placed his arm around my neck and pulled me into a hug.

"I will."

I didn't mean it.

JD was never going to understand. I could never let him know I was helplessly and hopelessly in love with his one of his best friends.