Wanting what you can't have..

T h i r t y-F o u r - I need to make this right

Felix

I didn't let anyone know about me fucking off to Liverpool for the weekend not even Hero I needed to do this alone especially considering if I do choose to leave I'll be alone anyway so it made perfect sense. I managed to book a room in a Premier Inn which wasn't expensive then made my way out to go explore the city that I could possibly be living in for the next few years. The university is big but not as big as I thought it would be I ended up meeting a funny group of scouse lads who insisted on me going for a pint with them so they could tell me how great Liverpool is. One pint ultimately lead to another and another until we ended up in god knows how many clubs and I woke up on the couch of the one of the lads uni accommodations with a throbbing headache and god knows how many colourful fucking club wrist bands on my arm. Without bothering to even wake anyone up not remembering any of their names I just let myself out to go back my hotel not before taking in my surroundings getting an idea of what I could be living in. The night life in Liverpool is fucking mental I have no idea how much I drank but I know it was a fucking lot I haven't had a hangover like this for a hell of a long time I was planning on looking around today but I think I'll be sleeping this off.

When I finally get back to the hotel after getting lost about sixteen times I fall straight on the bed ready to pass out. I can't help but lie here and think about how much of a dick I've been to Mercy I miss her so fucking much but I keep pushing her away. If I hadn't of been such a dick she could be here with me right now having a little weekend away and helping me make this big decision. I end up falling asleep and when I wake up its pitch black outside still half asleep I check my phone to see its 11pm what the fuck I slept the whole fucking day. I'm soon wide awake when I see the amount of notifications on my screen seventeen texts, eight missed calls and a stupid amount of instagram notifications, this can't be good.

Shit, shit, shit fucking hell why the fuck didn't I tell anyone where I was going now I have a pissed off best friend and an even more pissed off girlfriend who's best friend is also blowing up my phone threatening to kick me so hard in the balls I won't be able to see straight. I completely forgot I gave the lads last night my instagram so of course they uploaded a shit ton of photos and tagged me in them. It wasn't anything bad just us all out drinking and a video of me absolutely waved falling around with a kebab slurring about how sick the night was and how amazing it's going to be when I move here so they all heard about it from a video posted by a stranger and not me and what makes it worse is I haven't even decided if I even want to come here yet. I definitely can't make such a big decision without talking to Mercy first being here this weekend has made me realise how much I need her I love her so much and if coming here means losing her then it's definitely a no go.

Mercy

Jo was great last night I honestly have the most perfect best friend my so called boyfriend may be a complete prick who I can't rely on but at least I know I her. I can't believe I am pregnant I never even thought about the idea of kids until now it's something I haven't fanaticized about I wanted to live my life to its fullest first. All the plans I have had to go to university and travelling are out of the window if I choose to go ahead with this pregnancy never in my life would I have thought at sixteen years of age I would thinking about my options whether to keep a baby or not mine and Felix' baby. Of course the wanker has been ignoring my texts and calls all day proving once again that when I really need him he's useless. I'm sat at mine and Jo's tree thinking it's the best place to go when you want quiet and as I'm looking through instagram I see Felix has been tagged in a lot of pictures and the odd video with some guys that I've never seen before then notice the location says Liverpool what the fuck?

My heart literally hits the floor after watching the last video he's absolutely trashed falling all over the place whilst the people in the background laugh at him as he tells them how sick Liverpool is and how he can't wait to move there for University. Not once has he mentioned going to Liverpool for uni in fact he hasn't mentioned uni at all to me so what the hell does that say about us and our relationship that we don't even communicate? I didn't even fucking know my boyfriend was down there for fuck sake let alone moving there. I've had the worst couple of weeks feeling so alone and not wanted then find out I'm pregnant and all I want is for him to comfort me but no instead he goes off to another city and ignores all my bloody texts and calls to get drunk with a bunch of random strangers. I have no idea how long I'm sat crying for before I feel someone sit beside me wrapping their arm around me.