.weighted. ; lashton

three

so it's week two of this..this mess. it's gotten slightly easier to weigh myself and see myself. still difficult when i'm taking a shower though. joshua was upping my meals and i didn't make a big deal out of it anymore. i'm okay with it. food is food, i need it to live. it gave me energy too. the stomachaches from eating too much were getting less extreme. i had gained 7 pounds.

i had band practice today, last week i would've been so scared to come but now i don't mind. i looked good. great.

"want me to drive you?" i shook my head, saying that i'd walk but he quickly denied me. "no!"

strange.

~~~

you couldn't notice my weight just yet so i didn't expect them to say anything. this was the easy part. it'll get harder. josh already wanted me to gain over ten or fifteen pounds each week and that freaked me out a little bit. it meant i'd be over 200 pounds in a matter of weeks. three to be exact. he wants me to be over 200.

nineteen years old and already 200 pounds? the thought was daunting. fuck. maybe i'm not so okay with this. i felt myself start to come back to the full reality of all of this. i was willingly fattening myself for a boy. that was disgusting.

"luke!" i gasped quietly when i heard my name.

"sorry, what?"

"any new lyrics or anything?" ashton repeated.

and for whatever reason, a tear ran down my cheek. and then another. and another.

"luke?" michael and calum said in unison before calum got up to hug me. i quickly pushed him off of me and wiped my tears away, sporting a wide smile to make it known that i was okay.

"what was that about, huhm?" i just shrugged in response so they wouldn't ask anymore.

"yeah, i have some lyrics," i finally replied, pulling out my notebook. the lyrics were a little deep, only i knew what they really
meant though. they were about what i had been dealing with the week before but everything was extremely sugarcoated so nobody would care or anything.

"luke, what does that mean?" ashton asked, pointing to a line on the notebook. he had turned the page which was where the original lyrics were before i changed them.

"oh that's nothing," i took the notebook back and felt my cheeks heat up. he continued to look at me with this freaked out look on his face.

"wishing you weighed nothing? wishing you were just bones? that's not nothing."

"they're not my lyrics- this is an old journal."

before i could even stop him, he was laying his hands on my stomach and moving them around my hoodie, trying to feel it. a slightly relieved look washed over him and he believed the lie.

"yeah, i think we could change some of the lyrics to make them less personal but other than that this looks nice," michael mumbled, taking the notebook and flipping the page back to the lyrics. he didn't seem to care as much about the other page which made me feel better.

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