.weighted. ; lashton

ten

this is kinda angsty and i really don't like it but idc i'm not rewriting it rn so just like skip if u want ig i wrote this when i was in a bad mood the other day at like. 2 am

and so i did eat. only for ashton's sake though. i wanted him to stay happy, i didn't want him to worry about me especially when he had something going on with him. whatever it was.

of course eating only did more harm than good but i can only blame myself for it. some days, actually most days, i was still hungry after one serving so i had more. and more. my weight was just going up and down.

ashton was worried because i seemed to be more and more upset each day, some days i wouldn't even talk to him. some days i'd talk too much and overshare about my feelings. the latter scared him more than not talking to him but both made him worry immensely.

i'd see the other two dorks again today, but you know what they'd see? zero progress. they'd see the end of their band's reputation. they'd see endless mounds of fat on my body and they'd even point it out.

~~~

i pulled my skinny jeans up to my waist slowly, trying not look at my legs whatsoever. i felt and heard something tear and i looked down behind me to see. there was rip under my fucking ass. i hadn't even buttoned them yet. i shrugged it off, putting a small smile on my face anyway. i began to button them together but as soon as i stopped sucking in, i heard something make a 'ding' sound against the floor. the button. "oh my god, i really am a fatass," i sobbed, falling to the ground and holding my head in my hands. the ground shook as i landed which made my sobs louder.

"luke?" ashton yelled from the hallway. "did a dresser fall over?" his words made it even worse.

"no that was me."

"oh. are you almost ready?"

"i'm not going." this made ashton finally turn the doorknob and enter the bedroom where i sat on the floor, bawling still.

"hey, what's wrong?"

"i don't want you or them to see me like this, please go without me. i'll practice on my own."

"luke. what is wrong?" he sat down next to me — the ground didn't shake when he did though.

"well. let's see. my jeans fucking ripped when i pulled them on, the button flew off when i exhaled, and the ground shook when i sat down. i'm so fat, ash, i'm not getting better."

"baby.." he murmured, wrapping his arms around me. "can-can i check you into an eating disorder facility?"

i raised an eyebrow at that, that was kinda random. "what-why? i'm not starving myself or anything."

"thin people aren't the only ones with eating disorders. anorexia and bulimia aren't the only eating disorders that exist. there's a thing called binge eating disorder, whether you have it or not, i feel like you have something like it. they can help you," he soothed. "you'd have to be diagnosed first though."

"will i get skinny again?"

"well that depends, are you gonna let them tell you what to do? are you gonna let them help you? or are you gonna be difficult?"

"i'll let them help me," i gulped.

ashton nodded, "then yeah. if you follow their diet plans and whatever else they make you do, you could restore your original body shape."

"the-then i'll do it."

~~~

after the doctors evaluated me and my condition, i started to daydream about my new body i was going to have.

not for long though because they soon came back and gave me the good-bad news. i had an eating disorder. it's bad news but good news because i can get treated and be skinny again and maybe i could stop thinking so much about my weight.

they gave me a list of facilities i could go to, there was one where you had to stay for a week and then they'd send me home with workouts and diet plans to keep up with. they'd check back in on my every other week to see how i've done. i decided on that one because i couldn't stay in the others, they had month long stays..and we had an upcoming tour.

i was going to be skinny again, i couldn't believe it.

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actually edited wowww