.weighted. ; lashton

four

it's week five now. i haven't seen any of my friends since week two.. except for joshua of course.

he began to call me these weird and uncomfortable nicknames. but i didn't mind. 'chubby bunny.' his 'little fat boy.' all of them had to do with my weight but i knew that he said them with love because he wanted this to happen to me. he thought it was cute. i think.

i was 201 pounds. i was 163 in week two. it was surreal. i didn't know you could gain weight so fast but i guess the more you know, right? yeah.

nineteen years old and 201 pounds, if i thought i was overweight before i must be obese now. oh god, my parents are gonna be so disappointed when they see me. my family is going to hate me.

~~~

i looked toward everyone's glances and sighed.

"pants look a little tight, luke," michael mumbled, eyeing my legs. the other two didn't have the guts to say anything but i knew what they were thinking.

"yeah.. uh. i don't really have anything that fits anymore."

"well. we were about to order some pizza, what do you want?"

"oh uh. joshua actually made me a big..lunch before i came. so i'm okay," i replied shyly, earning a weird glance from ashton.

michael nodded, dialing the number to order and beginning to talk when the phone was answered.

ash kept this weird look on his face, occasionally glancing at me before deciding to walk over to me.

"so joshua made you a big lunch?" he asked, i figured he was just trying to start small talk so i nodded. "does he do that often?" i nodded again without thinking. "are you gaining on purpose?"

"no!" i bit my lip, not sure what else to say.

"are you sure?" his eyes wandered down to my thighs then up to my stomach and then back up to my face.

"why would i purposely fatten myself? i'm a whale now and i don't know what to do, ash, i'm miserable!" my face went white when i saw his reaction and quietly spoke again, "i was just kidding, don't worry."

"hey fatties, get over here, we're writing," calum joked which made my heart stop for a moment, i smiled through it though. i'm okay. i'm not crying. wait. i am, i'm crying.

my face was scrunched up and giant tears were rolling down my chubby cheeks. my hands were shaking and i was hunched over, resisting the urge to walk over to them and act like i was okay.

"luke? what's wrong?"

it took me a bit to respond to the blurry figure in front of me but he waited patiently.

"nothing, i'm okay," i said as i began to calm down.

i felt a hand grab on to my arm and it jiggled a little. i was suddenly being pulled into the bathroom with ashton. he locked the door behind him and looked at me worriedly. "what's going on, huhm?"

my older friend looked at me expectantly as i just shrugged.

"cmon."

"i'm just fat, ash, i don't know what else you want me to say."

"but it was so sudden. you were this lanky dude and now-"

"now i'm fat. not a big deal, it happens." it was a really big deal actually, i'm miserable in my body.

"is it joshua?" and for some reason, that was what triggered me into bawling again.

i nodded slightly as i tried to silence my sobs.

"i just wanted him to love me as much as i loved him," i told him, sniffing uncontrollably.

"i know what that's like," he mumbled as he wrapped his arms around me and sat me down beside him.

"he-he, he said i needed to gain weight, he wanted me to be fat, he said i'd look amazing chubby. his new goal for me is to weigh 250 and i-i-i, i'm not gonna make it. it's too much, i never thought i could hate my body more than i did when i weighed 150 something but i was wrong."

the curly haired boy that was beside me just stayed silent for a few seconds before connecting our lips together and kissing me with passion. i reluctantly pulled away, feeling disgusting and guilty.

"he makes fun of me too, he calls me names. there's not a day that goes by that i don't hear him say 'fatass' under his breath while we...we're having sex or while we're eating. but this is what he wanted, this is what he's forcing me to do. he made me this way. i'm just his puppet. or something."

"he makes fun of you?" he asked, rubbing my sides gently in an attempt to calm me down i'm assuming. i nodded. "luke. listen to me real quick. is he a feeder?"

"what's that?"

"does he fetishize fat? does he make you eat more and encourage you to gain more weight?"

i thought about it for a second and sighed. "yeah.. he wouldn't have sex with me until i weighed 180."

"but your weight gain..it's making you unhappy right?" i nodded again. "tell him that. do whatever you can to make him leave you alone. don't suffer because you want to keep your boyfriend happy. you need someone that can respect you for your natural body."

"how am i gonna lose weight now, ash? look at me, i fucking can't. i'm gonna die like this," i mumbled, my eyes refilling with tears.

"as soon as you start to eat your normal  amount of food again, you'll lose. we'll find out what to do after that, okay?" i nodded, sniffling once more before he stood up and pulled me up too.

"i'm gonna take you home..but not to your home yet. are you okay with staying at my apartment for a day or two?" i nodded once more and he smiled.

"thanks, ash."

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