.weighted. ; lashton

fifteen

so here i am again, in hospital. it seems like every time i take one step forward i take over one hundred steps back afterward.

i'm hooked up to a machine that's feeding me and my friends are all staring at me like they had just found out about my eating disorder again.

"i didn't know how bad it was," i tried to explain but i was cut off by ashton.

"no, it's not your fault, it's okay. you don't have to talk about it."

i nodded then a question formed in my brain that i had been thinking about for over a week now. "what are people saying?"

i saw all of them look at each other, calum hesitated before answering, "for the most part, they think you're sick. that's what's we said. you're dehydrated. but some fans think you're battling anorexia, we can't lie to them but we won't tell them they're right."

"wha- no! you have to shut those rumors down, i-i can't have the whole world knowing, my parents don't even know! you have no idea how hard it'll be for me! please," i choked out, feeling guilty. "please lie to them. please..i'll tell them if i want to in the future."

ashton looked at me and nodded, understanding, "yeah, actually..luke can make the decision of telling our fans or not on his own. it's his private life."

"but luke, your parents need to know. your family needs to."

"i know, and i'll tell them but can i talk to ashton alone please?"

the two boys nodded and walked out of the room, leaving me alone with my sunshine.

"ash, what am i gonna do? this is hopeless."

"it's not hopeless, you can get better, look at me. i did."

"you what.?"

"i know you can beat this illness."

"but you said something else t-"

"i didn't mean to, okay?" he seemed very flustered suddenly, he told me something he didn't want me to know but i didn't quite understand what he said.

"but you did, what does that mean?"

"okay, fine. i was in the same boat as you are right now while i was in high school. it gave everybody a scare and the likelihood of me living was slim. i was 101ish, i hadn't weighed that much since i was about 10 or so. i was too low and my heart could've stopped at any moment. i thought everything was hopeless but i got help and here i am today to prove it. to prove to you that you can get through this."

"wait, you- you were anorexic?"

"i don't want to talk about it too much, it ruined my life. the mindset never goes away but i choose to ignore it because life is too short to worry about body size, you are allowed to take up space. and nobody sees you the way you think you see yourself. nobody sees you as morbidly obese like you might. nobody sees all the imperfections that you can point out within seconds of seeing your reflection. nobody is looking for them like you are that's why they're so prominent to you. i promise you, what you see isn't real or as extreme as you think it is."

i felt hot tears start to roll down my cheeks and i closed my eyes, trying to hold back my sobs. my arms spread out on their own, waiting for a hug. ashton leaned in and squeezed me lightly, not seeming to care that i was soaking his sweatshirt.

"thank you," i whispered into his chest. he was the first person to give me actual hope in this situation. it felt nice. i felt okay for once.

i saw the curly haired boy in a whole different way now too. he was so strong. so much has happened to him but he still kept that genuine smile of his on his face at all times. except for now. right now he's frowning at the floor and pulling at his sleeves. kinda weird. ashton must've felt me staring at him because he looked up at me and smiled 'genuinely' again. maybe his constant smiles weren't so genuine all the time. but i could be wrong.

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