.weighted. ; lashton

seven

"what do you want for breakfast, luke?"

i turned my head to look at the little chef in the kitchen. "usually someone tells me what i have to eat, i honestly don't know. nothing?"

ashton's eyebrows furrowed at that and shook his head. "nope, gotta be somethin'."

"all i heard was thin," i commented, walking into the kitchen. "what do you wanna make?"

"eggs?" i thought about it for a second then nodded. the curly haired boy smiled at that and i swear i almost melted. "awesome."

he almost distracted me from the fact that i was literally over two hundred pounds right now. almost. now i remembered and wanted to hide away in the bathroom, to never eat again, to never think of food again. i looked at the man in front of me that had to be at least 30 pounds lighter and sighed. he probably thinks i'm a whale. i feel bad for him, he has to deal with me now.

"luke?" ashton shook me from my thoughts and i gasped slightly. "you looked upset."

i nodded, confirming that i was..or am. "do you think i'm really gonna be able to lose weight?"

"of course."

"will i ever be as small as i supposedly was before again?"

"it's hard to tell.. if you stopped taking care of yourself maybe. i'm not saying to do that though, don't. but, uhh..yeah. if you were anorexic you'd get there." ashton set a plate in front of me and i looked down at it as i was processing his words. if i was anorexic i could be small again. no. no, i can't do that.

right?

~~~

i stepped onto the scale and waited for the number to appear impatiently. after a week of eating less i'm at...

193.

a single tear ran down my cheek, that wasn't enough. i have to go down more. way more. tour was going to start in about two months and i don't want to be fucking panting like a dog on stage because i'm overweight. i'm not gonna get anywhere. joshua was right. i'm screwed.

an idea popped into my head and, because i had nothing better to do, i did it. i took advantage of the time i had to do what i wanted.

i got onto my knees and knelt down next to the toilet, stretching my finger down my throat to make myself gag until it started to come up. my dinner. yeah, luke, you're on the right track.

"hey, what's that sound, luke?" my eyes grew large when i heard my friend's voice.

"what sound?" i shouted back, hoping it wouldn't sound suspicious. but it did.

"luke, get out here."

i stood up quickly, straightened out my shirt then shuffled over to the door and opened it. "what?"

"are you puking?" he pretty much stated rather than asked, trying to look past me to see something.

"no," i nodded though, feeling guilty for lying.

"oh, luke," he muttered, chewing on his finger nail and looking at the floor. he was thinking of what to do. he probably wants me to leave. those thoughts were instantly shut down though when i saw his teary eyes, he was now surrounding me in a tight hug. his arms could barely reach all the way around me..i think..but it was a nice hug. "luke, you can't do this anymore. i don't care how long you've been doing it, i'm not gonna let it happen again though. got it? i'll be sleeping in here with you to make sure of it."

i nodded at what he said, humming a quiet 'fine'. i don't know why he cared so much..or how he knew what to look for but i'm somewhat glad he noticed. purging fucking hurt. my throat is raw, and i feel so disgusting..but still satisfied.

i remember learning about eating disorders a few years back, it all seemed so weird but now i understand everything. i understand the feeling of wanting to be picture perfect, the feeling of not being good enough, the feeling of letting everyone down if you screw up your 'diet', the feeling of dread for your next meal.

being in a 'boy band' especially puts these heavy weights and expectations on you. you have to be thin, you have to have these pencil-like legs, a large thigh gap, muscly arms, a defined jawline, prominent cheekbones, etcetera. it's all too much but i want it. i even had that. but i screwed it up. now i'm just destined to be overweight forever. i'm never going to get better. not without doing the 'forbidden' things that ashton wants me to stay away from.

vote + comment
unedited