.weighted. ; lashton

thirteen

we now had two dates left of the tour, it had flown by so quickly. i was now twenty.  twenty and very underweight for my height. i don't know how i did it but i'm now 114.8. i was so happy but there was something in the back of my mind telling me i needed to lose more.

i couldn't really keep food down anymore..even if i wanted to but it was okay! i'm still alive, i'm okay.

calum and ashton have noticed but i brush off their questions if they're about my weight. the less they know the better.

~~~

as we took the stage for the night's show, something weighed me down, everything slowed down and i felt myself stumbling along onto the stage. everything was echoing in my head, my breathing was the only thing that wasn't. i made it all the way to where i was supposed to be on the stage but at that point, it was too much. i felt like i was dying. my heartbeat was slowing down, i could hear it in my ears.

the last thing that i remember before passing out was seeing a head of golden curls running toward me and yelling my name.

~~~

i was awoken by the sound of three boys whispering around me. i couldn't make out what they were saying but i heard gasps as i shifted in my place..wherever that was. i opened up my eyes to see the whispering boys hovering over me. as my sight focused i figured out who they were. calum, michael and ashton. i also saw where i was. hospital.

"wh-what am i doing here?" i tried to sit up but i fell back down, feeling exhausted.

"well. uh.." michael started, i could see he felt guilty but i didn't know why. did he do this to me on stage? did he slam his guitar into me or something?

"you passed out right when the show started, you weren't waking up, we called an ambulance..." calum stopped, looking at ashton so he could continue.

"luke, you're underweight, like, really underweight. and they asked if you were anorexic and gave some symptoms that we could've seen in you and you kind of matched up to the description.."

"i'm not anorexic though, or underweight," i said groggily.

"you're definitely underweight, luke, you weigh 110 right now."

"no, i weigh 114.8," i said, smirking a little. this seemed to hurt them though.

"so you knew?" michael asked, no, stated, getting in my face.

"back the fuck up, mate," i commented and he did so.

"mike, leave him alone, okay? he's just in denial. that's normal."

i started to feel my eyelids get heavy again and i shut them quickly only to be shaken awake again by michael.

"luke, what the fuck? why didn't you say anything?"

"i was just trying to not ruin our fucking band! nobody will like us if the lead singer is a fat fag! they'll make fun of me, they'll call me fat! i couldn't even handle it when you guys did! even when you were joking about it! i have standards to live up to, nobody likes a boy band with a fat boy, it's simple. i don't want to be disliked, i want to be adored, i don't think that's too much to ask for! i thought i was being adored by joshua but he was just fattening me for entertainment, he didn't love me! which proves my point that no one could ever love a chubby person. i just, i just want to be loved so i can forget about my worries and be myself," i said. i realized how much that didn't make sense but i didn't really care. that's how i felt.

ashton was the first to speak up, "well. i loved a 'chubby' person. how's that for proof against your theory, huh?"

"who was it, huh? also you loved, past tense. you don't love them anymore. that's my point."

"well that person isn't chubby anymore, he's too skinny right now because his mind told him he wasn't good enough just because a few numbers on a scale read something higher than his mind said was okay."

"oh, you're talking about me aren't you," i bit my lower lip, exhaling slowly and closing my eyes. "that makes a lot of sense."

"yeah," ashton mumbled awkwardly which hurt my heart even more.

"i'm sorry."

"it's okay, we're so worried about you though."

"i'm sorry," i repeated. "really, i didn't mean for it to get this bad."

"how bad did you mean for it to be?"

"just..you know? a little less serious? i didn't want anyone to know but i wanted to be happy but i can't have both apparently."

"you're happy like this?"

"well," i looked down at my small body, "i'm kind of skinny so yeah. i'm happy."

"kind of? only kind of?" michael took my arm in his hand and raised it up so i could see it, "this is kind of skinny to you?"

"mate, you're too thin!" calum shouted, obviously done with tiptoeing around the obvious. i cringed at his loud voice and sank deeper into the bed.

"i'm sorry, i get it," i noticed how my bones poked out of my arms and sighed, "i'm too thin."

are you sure about that, luke? what if they're lying to you? they just don't want you to be happy with your body, they're selfish, they're jealous of you.

~~~

we discussed eating disorder facilities again, it felt weird this time though. i didn't want to go, last time i went willingly.

i looked around anxiously, brushing my hair out of my face every now and then as my friends just watched me, waiting for me to speak up.

"how about you go to this one?" ashton showed me the details and i shook my head.

"too long of a stay."

"but, mate, that's the shortest one available!" calum stated, annoyed. as per usual.

"if you're not gonna make a decision we'll do it for you. not going isn't an option."

"but it is, i don't have to go if i don't want to." i caught a glimpse of ashton's shiny eyes flashing at me when i said that. "okay maybe it's not an option," i corrected myself which seemed to satisfy the dirty blonde.

"great, now tell us which one you're going to."

"uhh..." i looked toward ashton who was staring at me, "well..i'll go to whichever looks best for me to you guys."

"well as much as we'd like to see you, we'd rather see you fully recovered. a longer stay would work best."

"yeah and if the people at the facility think you're good enough to leave they could release you early."

i nodded and ashton slowly shoved a pamphlet toward me. "this one would fit, we could request some privacy measures to be taken so the likelihood of running into people that know you is slim."

"thank you."

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