My therapist. ~irwin~

7. From cero, again.

I get up early on a Saturday, yawning and checking the time, Mum left days ago and the house is so empty.

I brush my teeth while pulling over a plain t-shirt and slid on my skirt. I think I should have bought the one with blue poker dots, maybe red is to classy for me. I sigh after applying my make up and I check the time again.

Maybe Jaz may want to hang out with me at wherever. I don't really want to bother her, maybe she has plans of her own.

I sigh grabbing my phone and find myself dialling his number. Well I don't see why he wouldn't want to meet for coffee.

I press call and wait for him to answer.

-"Hey." He says on the other side. -"Are you okay?" He asks.

-"Hi, Yeah, I'm fine. How are you?" I ask.

-"Great." I can imagine his smile right now.

-"Great.." I say. -"So.. I was wondering if you would like to get some coffee?" I feel myself get nervous.

-"Sure, why not?" He says. -"Where would you like to meet?" He asks.

-"At Joe's?" I reply, they have the best coffee ever and the best cupcakes.

-"Well okay, is 3 too early?" He says. He will probably turn up there an hour earlier but you know.

-"Yeah, okay." I smile.

-"Well see you, Lia." He hangs up and I jump in excitement and I grab the hover and start cleaning and occupying myself with things before its time.

...

I slid my boots in and slip on my coat, grab my scarf and my gloves.

I look it the mirror adjusting my hair and smile at the happy girl in the mirror.

I drive down to Joe's and find a parking space to find one close to the shop. I lock the car and take a few deep breathes. I don't know why I'm so nervous, I hope I look okay, I hope he thinks I look okay.

I push open the door to Joe's and set before my eyes is Ashton, he seems happy and then her, the girl who is with him looks familiar, like I've seen her before. He meets my gaze as I stand there staring at both of them, she hasn't noticed me yet and I feel like I'm suffocating and running out of hair.

He frowns when I grab onto my chest and start breathing heavily. I watch how she turns his head for him to look at her but his eyes stay with my gaze and that when I feel like I'm being knocked to the ground. He stares at me confused with my actions but I cant help but stare at how they are kissing right in front of me.

Turning around I open the door again and walk out, back to my car. Sitting in the seat, I quietly start sobbing because I knew this was too good to be true, he has her and I have nobody and thats my problem because every time I try, my chances are blown up.

I drive home watching the road, my face feel sticky with the dry tears in my face.
We were never anything anyway.

It has affected me so much, I thought I was finally getting somewhere, finally moving on but I'm pushed back down to cero again because my life sucks and thats how its going to be.

Plopping down onto the couch I switch the tv on and leave it on the news. I grab a blanket and pull it over myself.

Grabbing that pen and the stupid diary, I begin to write.

~27th January.~

I meant to meet up with him today. But I saw how he was already with someone, so why should I go to him when He looked so happy with her, I don't need him.

I keep telling myself that I don't need him to move on but I need someone to be there for me because I cant do it by myself. Thats what kills the most, to see that the one thing that makes you happy can be destroyed because of the one thing that makes it happy.

I don't know if I'm prepared to move on yet and hopefully I'll survive.

I cant get the image of them out of my head, the way he looked at her after they kissed.

They way he smiled and laughed just as I got there.
I'm in love with that man. And it hurts that he only sees me as his patient.

Amelia.

I close the stupid diary and wipe my stupid tears and lay down until my stupid brain shuts off for the day.

...

I wake up from the sun light shinning through my window, I must of not closed it last night.

I get up and close the stupid thing, climbing back into bed. I check my phone, its lunch time and I dont feel hunger or any emotions at all. I noticed how I have 4 miss calls from him and one from my mother and 2 texts from Jaz. I turn off the phone and close my eyes going back to sleep.

...

Switching of my alarm I get up groaning, I walk to the bathroom and look in the mirror. I wont let no one hurt me anymore, he wont bring me down because of her.

Jumping in the shower, I quickly rinse off and get dressed into my new white dress for work. I look in the mirror one last time and cringe as I don't look like myself.

Driving towards the building, I hurry to get therapy done and done with so I don't have to see him for the rest of the week plus I can work in peace.

I sit down waiting for Ashton, before my mind can think of things he may e doing, he walks into the room and sits in his chair.

-"Good morning, Lia." He says.

-"Morning." I mumble.

-"Eating?" He asks.

-"I..." Stopping for a moment I realise I haven't eaten anything in the past day. -"Yes." I smile.

-"Are you lying?" He asks.

-"Are you?" I blurt out and cover my mouth. -"Sorry.." I say.

-"No, its okay, I understand." He says.

-"But you dont." I raise my brow. -"You don't understand what I'm feeling or what I go through." I sigh.-"Sorry... I'm just stressed for work." I lie.

-"Indeed." He says, his lips shaping a thin line and I can tell he isn't buying any of it.

-"You know, Lia. I am your therapist, you can tell me anything." He taps his fingers on the closed book he hasn't written in yet.

-''I'm going to go, I need to be at work soon.'' I get up straightening out my dress.

he nods walking me to the door. -''Lia, you know. I saw how you looked at me the other day.'' he says. -''Theres nothing between me and Jaz.'' My heart stops because I knew her from somewhere, I just couldnt see her from where I was.

-''Are you lying?'' I smirk.

-''What? I-I'm not lying.'' I stutters. 

-''i dont care, Ashton.'' I smile. I do, I really do. Just please tell me that what you are saying is true.

-''Well okay, Lia.'' He half smiles closing the door.

my brain is driving me crazy, I wish I could tell if he was telling the truth or not, I wish the girl wasnt my friend at work. I sigh closing my eyes while leaning on the wall of the lift. I wish this was just a dream that I would wake up from and be at Jane's house, but its not. This is reality and I need to wake up and start my life already and stop being so scared of whats out the for me.

pulling out the diary from my bag, I lean on the stirring wheel of my car and start writting.

~30th January~

I had therapy and it was different, I havent told him that I didnt eat on sunday.

i probably shouldnt have written that..

I miss being able to talk to him about my feelings but I dont know whats up with me.

sorry again.

Amelia.