My therapist. ~irwin~

12. friends with benefits.

[+.+]

I shrug looking at Micahel who is packing his bag.

-''I will miss you.'' I say walking over to him.

-''And I will miss you more.'' He smiles looking at me after zipping up his bag.

-''Come to the kitchen when you are ready, I've made you lunch.'' I say walk out of the room.

I dont want Michael to leave but he is going to uni and I wish he wasnt but that would be too selfish of me. I wish he lived closer, not a two hour drive. I guess he could visit next weekend our something, I would visit him but going back to that town would make me go all funny again about what happened.

I sigh leaning on the counter, covering my face with my hands to try stop thinking about him leaving. I try my best not to cry but I cant control my emotions.

I sob quietly when I hear foot steps, I turn around quickly wiping my tears. i dont want him to see me like this.

-''Whats for lunch then?'' He asks wrapping his arms around my waist.

-''Err.. I made you a bacon sandwich.'' I say putting the frying pan in the dishwasher.

-''Thank you.'' He pecks my cheek and I smile.

I wait for him to sit down before I turn around. staying as far away as possible from him I smile.

-''What time are you leaving?'' I ask.

-''About five ish.'' he takes a bite of the same sandwich.

-''Oh okay.'' I half smile.

-''Lia.'' He says. I look at him, his mouth is wide open and I can see the sandwich all mixed.

-''You're disgusting.'' I scowl him laughing.

After laughing and a few minutes of silence. I look at Michael who is staring at me.

-''Michael.'' I say.

-''Lia.'' He responds.

-''What are we?'' I point back and forth between us. -''What are we together exactly?'' I ask him. -''Like I dont know what we are. Sometimes I feel like we're friends but sometimes I feel like we're more than friends.''

He is silent for a few seconds. -''More than friends, less than lovers.'' He smiles.

-''so you mean...friends with benefits?'' I mumble.

-''No, Lia.'' he Pauses. -''we cant be anything more than friends.'' My chest aches at his choice of words.

-''why not? Is there someone else? am I not good enough for you?'' I snap.

-''Lia, calm down.'' He gets up. -''We cant be more than friends. You know I dont believe in having a relationship with distance.'' He says.

-''Well you see, Michael.'' I meet his gaze, anger spreading over me. -''If you really love someone, distance wouldn't make any difference.'' I say crossing my arms.

-''It would. Its not the same.'' He says. -''You only see each other one a week, what is the point?'' He asks.

-''The point is.'' Tears roll down my cheeks but my anger is still in me. -''The point is, being with the one you love.'' I look at him, his angry eyes going soft.

-''Maybe I just dont love you then.'' He says.

This never meant to be like this, i didnt want this. The pain is back, my emptiness creeps up on me.

-'' Okay.'' I say walking out of the kitchen and running up to my room, curling into my bed, I grab the diary and sigh wiping my tears.

~19th January 2013.~

I hate Michael. He came here to my house, we hanged out and after all this years of crushing on him, we finally, well i finally thought me where something but he said he maybe doesnt love me.

He is leaving soon and hopefuly I will never see him again.

Amelia.

I put the book down and wipe my tears, I cant believe he said that. I cant believe he has been my bestfriend all these years, comes here, decides he will make out of with me and then tells me he maybe doesnt love me.

He can go do one because I dont care anymore, I dont need this right now, I dont know why i thought I would heal being with him. All i need to do is focuss on healing from Jane's death.

I dont think I want to be in this house any more. I grab a suit case from under the bed and settle it. Grabbing my laptop I search for small places and low budget.

This house just brings to many bad memories and its not helping. The house is quite far away from the school i have to go to, to get the job I've been dreaming of so It wont hurt to get a new place.

I search and search but find nothing. I find a number for a small place near London, I check the distance between going to school and the therapy and find them perfect. I grab my iPhone and diall the number. I wait for the state agent to pick to see if the place is still on the market.

...

I make an apointment with the state agent to see the place.

Seems like the perfect place, I dont know why I didnt see it in the first place. I'm interrupted with my thoughts by a soft knock on the door.

I know its Micahel but I dont want to see his face so he can just leave.

-''Lia, I'm sorry if I hurt you.'' He sounds hurt. -'' I must leave but I hope to see you again soon.'' In your dreams.

-''Bye, Michael.'' I say so that he knows I am listening to him. Hearing a bit sigh and foot steps, I get out of bed and walk towards the window where I see him get in his car and leave.

I wipe my face with a baby wipe and walk downstairs to find what looks like a letter. I sigh looking at it. It says Mia on the front and I do not dare to touch it. It can stay there because I'm not ready to read what he has to say.

I grab the letter and walk towards the bin. What is the point of reading it? I open the bin, letting it slip out of my hand, I watch how it touches the rubish and so I close the bin and walk to the front door sliiping on my shoes, I need to get boxes to pack.