Memoirs of the Night

A Part of You

The first time I opened my eyes
I was already a part of you
The first time I walked on your land
Made me understand the love of a person for his country
The first time I saw you in tears
Was the day I discovered that bullets could become rain

Since I was a kid, when someone asked me, "what do you wanna become when you grow up?"
I would always answer, "I want to be a soldier because I love my country."
And people would only laugh

I wondered why they laugh, and so I asked
They replied, "your mother loves you too much. She won't let you become a soldier."
I didn't understand what they said but as I grew up, I slowly understood those words

Soldiers die in the battlefield, leaving their families behind.
Soldiers must always choose their country first before anything else
But what happens to those they left behind?
What happens to those widows?
What happens to those fatherless children?

I always knew that serving the country means risking your life
But is it worth leaving everything you ever loved to serve something that isn't alive?

The most obvious answer of a soldier would be "yes"
Our national hero, Jose Rizal, died fighting for the freedom of our country and its people
But people barely appreciates
They teach history in class
But only a few listens

Our beloved country is in pain from the ongoing war, from those endless death, famine, poverty, and corruption
All of these are factors to the suffering of our homeland
Yet we do nothing but sit comfortably in our chairs

I knew that I needed to do something to protect what I love
So for the first time I've had the courage
I decided to serve my nation
I decided to devote myself to my country
I decided to become a soldier

But then,
"No, you won't become a soldier!", mother said
All I wanted was to protect my country
But she never gave me her approval

Yet I pursued my dream
I became a soldier despite all the oppositions
I became a soldier because I wanted to follow my heart
I became a soldier for my people, for my nation, and my country

All was well, nothing distracted me from my goal
My grip on my gun and honor was tight
I thought nothing could shake it
Not even the sight of death on the battlefield

But then I met you
Laughing innocently while you talked with your friends
Your face never left my mind
I could never forget what I felt at that time
It was the first time I felt that way
The first time I fell in love

And the first time my conviction wavered
That was the first time I feared for my life
The first time I understood the meaning of fear and death

I was ready to risk my life for what I believed in
But the day I met you changed everything
Now, I'm getting quite confused as to what I'm supposed to do.
My conviction wavered because my heart has fallen

But when war strikes my beloved country,
The sight of innocents dying, children starving, family suffering
Made me remember why I became a soldier in the first place

I found my resolve once again.
In the eyes of my people
And in the heart of my nation
I found my resolve in you
And I found myself in my conviction

This is what I am supposed to do
This is who I'm meant to be
I fought for my people
I fought for my country
But most of all, I fought for you
I fought for you and our future

And our future really did come
A future where the world was in temporary peace
A world where my mother said, "you made me proud"
And a world where we started our own

The first time I heard her cry
I forgot my duty to my country
I forgot that I was a soldier before a father.
I forgot that I could only choose one
And because of the profession I pursued
I had to choose my country

And there's not a day I regret doing that
Leaving you and your mother alone in a world full of chaos
"Little one, I'm sorry I left you alone. You were still small when I left. But don't forget that I'll always love you"

I remember the first time I joined the army
It wasn't easy. Well, nothing was ever easy
The training was harsh but it helped me survive until now

The last time I saw my family was the day I left for a mission
That was the last time I felt my family's love.
And also the last time I served my country.

And now, as the song of my nation plays
I knew my job was done
And I knew that this day would come
The last time I'll hear your cries
Will be when they lower me down
The last time I opened my eyes
I was still a part of you