Killing Thoughts

Better Off

I hold the bottle of pills to my chest.

I think of how soon I could be free.

I look at the pictures on my wall,

Of my best friends and me.

I don't want to leave them.

But I don't want to live.

They are the only good things in my life.

They've even helped me forgive.

I forgive my mom for all of the horrible things she's done to me.

For all the terrible things she's said.

For all those times when she threw me under the bus.

For when she told me she wanted me dead.

I forgive my father who left me.

For making me think being crazy was normal.

For never showing up when he said he would,

But instead showing up at the times that were the most informal.

And I forgive him, for breaking my heart so many times.

And then after I forgive him, doing it again.

For telling me he'd "love me and protect me no matter what".

Only to despise me for the battle's I couldn't win.

I cannot do this any longer.

Seeing him with her makes my insides churn.

And on the rare occasion when he looks at me,

I can tell he wants me to burn.

I love you, don't you see?

Of course not, you never did.

The only things you ever noticed,

Were the very few secrets I hid.

I know that I'm not perfect.

I've messed up time and time again.

But I promise you I'm trying.

Even if I make a few mistakes every now and then.

But just because I have issues,

Doesn't mean you need to make it known,

That you and her together, are more perfect,

Than you and I could ever show.

She's better than me in every way.

I couldn't compete with her night or day.

I'm garbage compared to her grace.

She's the best, and she wins the race.

You and her are the perfect team.

She always makes you smile.

Even underneath your mask,

I can tell the effects won't wear off for a while.

You were the perfect team in badminton.

And I don't know why, but It made my heart sore. 

So much that I ran into the bathroom,

And started crying on the floor.

There's no reason for me to live now.

Everyone hates me and wants my head.

So goodbye to anyone who might care.

Even though you too, probably think I'm better off dead.