Killing Thoughts

Scars

I feel the bump through the fabric.

It's a permanent scar.

I went a little too deep that time.

I went a little too far. 

Will the scars ever go away?

Or are they permanent tattoos on my skin?

I didn't mean to leave a mark,

I just wanted to win.

But In the end, I lost the battle,

By giving in to the pain.

I warned myself at the time,

To listen to my brain.

My brain told me not to.

But my heart was too weak.

I try to listen to my brain,

But my emotions always leak.

They leak out of my heart,

And make me want to cry.

They overtake my body,

And make me wish to die.

There are six scars on my leg now.

And three scars on my wrists.

And when I touch them I feel guilty.

They make me embarrassed to exist.

Others would just judge me. 

And I understand why.

I judge me too, don't worry.

I know that I should die.

I can see that everyone thinks the same thing.

They all think I'm unworthy.

Unworthy of life, unworthy of love.

Unworthy of being cared for.

And I agree with them on everything. 

I know I'm useless, that's for sure.

My mom used to tell me I had a purpose.

That I could change the world.

I could help, and I could shine.

But now even her opinions of me or swirled. 

Every time I feel the bumps,

I think of all these things.

They make me feel so much worse,

I feel more pain about everything.