trans Yamaguchi!

Pre-match

The few days before Saturday felt like forever, and it was hard to keep focused in class when I knew I had volleyball practice after school, and that I had to play against those two first years in a few days. Tsukki seemed as bored and calm as ever, but I knew he was thinking about the match too, especially with how much trash talking he did with Kageyama. 

I was finding it increasingly more difficult to breathe by the end of the day, knowing my binder was getting a little too small for me, but I couldn't get another one yet. I hoped it didn't cause a problem during the match, I couldn't let Tsukki down because of a problem like this. 

I fought through it, but I needed to take breaks every 20 minutes during practice to breathe. I could tell Tsukki was starting to catch on, but I tried to hide it from him. 

I paced in the locker room, pulling the binder away from my chest so my lungs could expand, but that also meant I could see the mounds that were attached to my chest. I did everything I could to not look at them, knowing I'd hate what I saw, but the damage was already done. When I let go of the binder and looked in the mirror, I could still see what remained of my chest, even under the baggy shirt and binder. 

I shrugged my shoulders forward, letting the shirt drape farther away from my chest, and walked back out to the gym. 

"Stop, it's fine," Tsukki whispered to me as I walked up next to him. I tried to act more normally, but my dysphoria was getting in the way. 

"Dude, you good?" Tanaka yelled over to me, giving me a thumbs up. I smiled at the word "dude", even if it was used for both genders, it still made me feel more masculine. I gave a thumbs-up back to Tanaka, letting him know I was fine. 

"Told you," Tsukki whispered, not looking at me, even though I was now glaring at him. 

Once practice was over and Daichi gave the order to change and leave, Tsukki talked with me outside the changing rooms until everyone left, making me feel more comfortable about changing. 

I didn't want anyone else to know about the binder or the whole trans thing, but I was comfortable with changing around Tsukki. 

"You really shouldn't wear a binder to practice, just get a sports bra," Tsukki says, his back to me as he pulled on a shirt. "I know it causes you problems. and it's really not healthy for you," 

"I don't want them to know, Tsukki! What if they kick me off the team? Or make me join the girl's volleyball? I can't lose this, and you know that," I told him, looking away from my bandaged chest, pulling my shirt on over my head. 

"I doubt any of them would have a problem with you being trans, Tadashi," Tsukki lured out. 

"But what if it's not up to them? What if the vice principal finds out? He already hates the volleyball team, he might kick me off just so there's one less player!" I said, looking down at my hands before turning to face Tsukki. 

"Fine, if you really don't want to tell them then it's up to you, but you need something better than a binder to practice in," Tsukki said, glaring gently at me. 

"I know, I'll see what I can do," I mumbled, picking up the rest of my stuff and walking out of the locker room, Tsukki right behind me. 

"Has your mom found out?" Tsukki asked quietly now that we were out in public. 

"Nah, I've managed to keep it from her, but it's only a matter of time," I sigh, kicking rocks with my feet. 

We walked in silence, both our minds full of different things.