trans Yamaguchi!

Progress

TW: involves depression and suicidal thoughts! Please be safe and make sure you get the help you need! ILY!!!

School continued and I always had someone next to me wherever I went. Mostly it was Tsukki, but sometimes Suga and Daichi joined, Hinata, Noya, and Tenaka would walk around me, creating a circle and glaring at anyone who stared too long, though, most of the time they just gathered attention. 

During practice everyone went slow and allowed me to do everything at my own pace, understanding the stress I was going through. Coach Ukai and Taketa-sensei kept an eye on me the whole time, making sure I didn't show signs of distress. 

While I was appreciative of their worry, I felt like I was being needy and weak, everyone watching me like I'd break, making sure I was never alone, worrying about me at all times. I felt I didn't deserve their support. I made Tsukki support me for years, now the whole team was being forced to look after me! 

I tried to act normal, tried to keep going, but as the days continued all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cover my head with my pillow. I didn't want to socialize, I didn't want to leave the house, I didn't want to be around anyone. It was getting harder and harder to function, the only thing keeping me going was the fact that the warrant would be out soon, and the investigation should be over. 

Tsukki rolled over in bed, his arm laying on my side without touching my stomach, knowing I didn't like it. I felt tears start to roll down my face again, but kept silent, not wanting to worry Tsukki. It didn't seem worth it anymore. Nothing felt worth it. 

Tsukki nudged me as his alarm went off. I didn't move as he got up from the bed and got dressed. He noticed I was still in bed and walked over to my side. He crouched down next to me as I pressed my face into my pillow. 

"Tadashi, it's time to get up," He said softly. 

"I can't Tsukki," I whispered out, my voice cracking. 

"Ok, that's fine. You did a lot this week," Tsukki said, his hand rubbing my back gently. "Let me go tell my mom, and I can text the team," He whispered, leaving the room. 

I felt everything bubble up again. I pulled my knees to my chest, feeling as my lungs constricted and I sobbed into my pillow. I hugged my stomach, my arm pressing into my skin in an attempt to feel better. The tears ran down my face faster and I couldn't stop. I shook in the bed, my sobs wracking my body. 

Tsukki ran back into the room a minute later, rushing to my side of the bed and pulling me into a hug. Everything hurt, my whole body was sore and tense. My mind was fuzzy and I was light-headed from all my crying. I felt dirty and gross, both physically and mentally. 

"I can't Tsukki! I can't do it!" I sobbed, my body lurching as I cried harder. 

"You're doing so good, Tadashi. I know it's a lot, but it's going to get better, I promise," Tsukki reassured, holding me tight to him. 

"I can't do it," I said again. 

"That's ok, you don't need to do anything right now. Just rest, breathe, we can stay home and you can heal," Tsukki said, but I shook my head. 

"Y-You need to go to school, you need to go to practice. They need you," I cried. 

"I'm not leaving you alone, not like this. I'm staying with you, Tadashi," He said, his voice stern and unmoving. 

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" I wailed. 

"Sorry for what, Tadashi? You did nothing wrong," He said gently.