We'll be Fine Line ~ H.S

six

(Im gonna put a trigger warning for drowning and being under water and mention of suicide incase that triggers anyone)
"Dear diary i can't do this anymore the nightmares are too much and Louis keeps saying that i should tell Harry but i see the way Louis looks at me.
He pity's me and I hate it.
And i would hate it even more if Harry would pity me too.
I just can't tell him."

I hide my diary under my pillow and walk downstairs.
- Hi Harry i mumble before I lay down on the couch.
I usually spend at least half an hour with the boys every day so they won't worry about me and usually it works.
Except for with Louis he knows me too well.
- Hi Em Harry says without looking up from his laptop.

I look at Liam to see if he's even noticed that im here but he's too busy looking at his phone.
- Hi Liam i say and he finally looks up at me.
- Oh hi he says and then he goes back to looking at his phone.

Im so confused i tought he liked me but lately he's been acting really weird and he's always on his phone.

- Im going outside to the pool for a minute i mumble.
- Okay just don't go in the pool since no one is out there with you incase something happens Harry says.
- Yeah wathever I say and I start to walk away.
- Im serious don't go in the pool Harry half shouts after me but i just ignore him.

I look around to make sure that no one is watching me and then i take off my clothes.
I leave my underwear on and then slowly get in the hot pool.
I

get under the water and stay there for so long i can.
The feeling how fresh air in my lungs is always better when you can't breathe for a while.
I stay under water until it feels like my head is going to explode im im about to faint at any second.

As soon as i get my head over water i take a deep breathe of air and the chilly night air fills up my lungs.
Then i go back under water.
Feeling pain is better than not feeling anything at all.

I stay a little further everytime until one time i go a little bit to far and i accidentally breathe in lots of water and i start coughing under water.
I can't remember what's up and what's down.
I get stuck under water and I can feel how my lungs starts to fill up with water.
Right before im about to pass out i feel a pair of strong arms drag me out of the pool and I start coughing up water.

- Are you fucking mad i hear an Irish voice shout.
- I didn't do it on purpose i say between the coughing.
- I saw you from the window going under water on purpose twice and I started running down and when i got here you were drowning Niall shouts and i cough up the last bit of water.
At least he only saw me the last two times.
I went under water at least ten times.

- I didn't mean to try and drown myself i say as i try and get up from the ground and Niall easily picks me up on my feet again.
- C'mon we are going to tell Harry what happened he says and he grabs my arm and starts to drag me inside.
I now realise that im only in my underwear.

- Niall wait, can you at least go get me a towel first i don't want everyone to see me in my underwear i say and i hope that it will buy me some time to come up with a good lie to tell Harry.
- Im not dumb, im not going to leave you out here after you tried to drown yourself you're coming with me to get a towel then we are going to tell Harry.
- For the last time I didn't try to drown myself i shout.

Niall grabs my arm again and drags me to the bathroom and i wrap the towel around me so you can't see my underwear.
Then he drags me down to the living room where all the boys still are sitting.

- Emeralda tried to drown herself Niall almost shouts and everyone quickly stands up.
- What the hell happened Harry asks and i can tell that he's concerned, actually all the boys looks very concerned but they let Harry handle this since he's my brother.
- I slipped and my head got under water i say.
- I told you to not go in the pool Harry says and he wraps his arms around me.
- I didn't go in the pool i was going around the pool and i slipped i say.
- She didn't fall i saw her get under water and i ran down to get her and when i got there she was drowning Niall says and Harry let's go off me so he can look me in my eyes.
- Is this true he asks.
- Ofc not i say but unfortunately im not a very good liar.
- Emeralda Styles you better tell me the truth right now he says and I feel really guilty for lying to him but i don't have a choice.
- I already told you the truth i shout.
- Okay okay i believe you, let's just calm down Harry says but i know that he doesn't believe me.
- Emeralda i just want you to know that suicide is not the answer Louis says.
- For the last fucking time i didn't try to kill myself i say as i start to walk up to my room with Harry going after me.

And its true i didn't try to kill myself i just wanted to feel something.
It really was an accident.
But saying that i like to stay under the water until it feels like my lungs are going to explode just sounds fucked up.
Maybe i am fucked up but who cares because i didn't want to die.

- Can you please not run to your room when im trying to talk to you Harry says with a hard tone and I roll my eyes.
- I don't want to talk about it because it doesn't matter what i say you're never going to believe me i say.
- Im sorry but its just a little bit hard to believe that you took off all your clothes and then you just fell into the pool Harry says with a softer tone.
- I was trying to tan i say while I go to get some dry clothes.
- At ten pm?
- Can we talk about this some other day i say.
- You almost drowned so no we can't talk about this some other day Harry says.
- Mom and dad died over four months ago if i wanted to kill myself i would have done it already, now please harry im tired can we just talk about this tomorrow i say.
- Fine but im staying with you tonight i can sleep on your couch so that i can keep an eye on you and we are talking about this tomorrow morning and then i want the truth Harry says.
- Fine i say and I get into bed.
Im so tired.

Its been a long night.