A Year With You

Chapter 19

                A car stopped at the front of my house, it looks familiar but somewhat strange but I never had any choice, I desperately need someone to talk to. He walks in with a bouquet of roses.

“hey, I-uhh brought you something just to give you a comfort.” He said and hugged me.

“T-thanks Carl.”  He looks at me quite scared or somewhat I can’t explain.

“Er, don’t give meaning,” he laughs. “It’s just for friendly flower, you know?” he laughed shyly and before things could go worst with the back-to-the-past topics because of the roses, I think we should be more of a comfort-a-friend logic at the moment.

                Carl and I sat in the living room and (Carl) asked me why my eyes are so puffy. Since he was the oblivious to all of the people around and thought that everything was real since the start, I told him my problem with Kyle and how I want to have Kyle but either way, it feels so wrong to stay by his side.

He didn’t speak for a minute and then looked at me. “you really love him, don’t you?” he said bitterly.

“I guess, I love him so much.” My confirmation makes him look sadder.

“I have a confession to make.” He said seriously. I look at him, trying to know what it is and I said, “what is it?”

“Remember the night I broke up with you?” he asks seriously and I didn’t want this kind of conversation. Bringing back the past. Cry again. Wipe tears. It will only add burden in my heart but there was something interesting about it, first, because I did not listen to his reason. Second, what if he was just lying about the ‘mistakenly love’ thing that he thought he love me.

“Tell me.” Trying to sound open.

“I’m sorry I messed up. I didn’t mean to make you cry, all I said were unreal, I didn’t really want to break up with you…. When I see you with that guy, Kyle, I felt jealous and I wanted you back but I didn’t find the courage to speak to you or call you or text you or simply write you.” He said looking sorry. “I thought I loved Cassandra, I actually learned to love her later then but, but well Karma comes too fast and well I discovered that Cassandra got pregnant by another man.” I was sorry for him.

                I tried to search a familiar feeling inside my heart, the feeling that I felt for Carl before, but no matter how hard I try, there wasn’t really a feeling left for him because all my heart is shouting Kyle’s name. Carl was simply a person from the past who I thought was the person I imagined inside my head, a person who I can call ‘my man’ before I discovered what love really is.

                Love is a feeling, which is, mistakenly measured by most. In the real world of love, you don’t see a person by his/her quality. We sometimes get infatuated, get inspired, but these feeling were commonly mistaken as a notion of love when the fact that lies behind all these is that love, aside from the verity that it is created by hormones, love is something or a feeling that is so unexplainable that our bare naked brains can’t decipher.

“I’m so sorry about Cassandra.” I said to ease the pain inside him because right now I know we both feel betrayed. “but you see, that’s the thing about love, it is never sure. We won’t find the truth unless we take the offered risks of the world.” I never really expected to be comfortable with Carl since he was my one and only boyfriend before.

“Cassey, I still love you.” He speaks doubtfully.

“I would have said I love you too,” I breathe and pointed somewhere in my upper left chest, imagining I’m pointing a visible heart, “but the thing is, this,” I pointed out even harder. “this wants Kyle so badly that even when I want to forget his name, it would still search for its missing pair.” I know Kyle wasn’t missing because I shove him away, didn’t I? but then there was this little hope again.