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THIRTEEN FRIENDS
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The girlfriend conversation was not one that Helena wanted to have, but ever since last night, she hadn't stopped thinking about it. It was ridiculous. JJ was the one that had broken up with her and now all of a sudden he wanted her back? No, she was not going to be that easy. But then again, it was JJ. Things had always been easy with JJ, that was pretty much her favorite thing about him. She wished things had never gotten complicated, things were so much better before feelings got involved again.
Her thoughts were interrupted when the doorbell rang. Since she had already been in the kitchen perusing their mostly-empty fridge she called up to her other family members, "I got it!"
Looking at the camera that showed who was on their doorstep, she furrowed her brow before opening it to reveal the exact boy she had just been thinking about with two grocery bags in his hands.
"Oh, thank god, I'm starving and there's literally nothing in my fridge," Helena exclaimed, barely even greeting the boy.
"Hello to you, too," JJ joked, "Do you need help putting stuff away?"
"Don't you have other deliveries?" she asked, although she wouldn't mind the help if she was being honest.
The blond shook his head, "Nah, I already dropped off the Camerons.' You're my last stop. I can help if you want me to."
Helena shrugged and opened the door wider to let him in. She couldn't remember the last time JJ had actually been in her house. In fact, she wasn't sure he ever had been. She directed him towards the kitchen, "Put them on the counter, let me grab some cash for your tip."
He nodded and she grabbed her wallet from its place by the key rack, pulling a decent amount of cash out because she knew some of it would go to Pope's dad as well and she wanted to make sure they got enough. She knew how much he relied on the grocery delivery business when the power on the cut was out. She handed the cash over to JJ and began pulling groceries out of the bag, opening up the fridge.
"So..." JJ spoke af5ter a brief moment, "Remember what we were talking about last night?"
Helena sighed, turning to face him as she closed the fridge door and leaned against it, "Yes, I do. I've been thinking about it."
"You have?" she took note of how his face lit up at that and she tried not to let it warm her heart. She wished she had hope like that, too, but she just wasn't sure. "So let's talk about it."
"I don't know, JJ," the blonde crossed her arms as she avoided the boy's eyes, not knowing if she could stand to watch his smile fade. "It really fucked me up when you broke up with me, like you know that right? I know I wasn't the best friend or girlfriend after I moved, but us breaking up was like the final nail in the coffin for me. I felt totally alienated."
She finally looked up at him only to see that he was staring right at her, his expression careful and calculated. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that to you. I know it's not an excuse, but I was jealous of you. You were the Cut success story everyone wanted and when you moved over here and got everything you ever wanted... I realized something like that was never going to happen to me. I couldn't stand the reminder of that so I broke up with you. It was a dick move."
The girl scoffed, "Yeah, you could say that. This life isn't everything, you know? I haven't seen my mom in months and my parents' marriage is in shambles --"
"I live in a house that's one step above a trailer, Helena," JJ interrupted her, "Your life is set for you. You live in a nice house, you've got a trust fund to fall back on, you'll get to go to any college you want because you're smart as hell and you've got parents who love you enough to send you anywhere you want. I know this isn't the shitty life Olympics or whatever, but even you have to admit, you've got it pretty good."
She knew he was right, but she wanted so desperately to be angry with him. Anger was something she knew well, something she could control. She couldn't control whatever she felt for JJ right now and all she wanted was to be able to yell at him like she used to. Life had been so simple when their only two options were fight or fuck. She had no idea what their options were now.
"You're right," she caved, speaking perfectly honestly for probably the first time in her teenage years, "You're right. I'm sorry. I just don't know if we can do this anymore, JJ. Not if emotions are going to get involved. I barely know what I'm feeling and I don't want to make that your responsibility, it's hard enough for me to deal with already."
"I don't care," JJ spoke, his voice a low whisper as he took one step closer to her. Her breath hitched. He made her weak and he knew it. "I don't care because I want you, messy emotions and all."
She wanted to say yes. Every part of her wanted to just give in, but she didn't know if she could do that to him. They weren't perfect before, and they weren't going to be perfect now and perfection was something she craved. She didn't know what to say, so she kissed him. Helena knew she shouldn't and that she was probably leading him on, but she couldn't help it when he was so close to her and she wanted him so badly. She was screwed, but the warmth from his hand on her hip and cupping her face was everything she needed.
When they pulled apart, she rested her forehead against his, forcing herself to say what needed to be said, "I can't be your girlfriend, JJ. I can't do that to you."
He nodded and pulled back, taking a step so he was leaning against the island as he had been before. His face had fallen and she couldn't take it, she forced herself to look away.
"Then I'll wait until you can," JJ finally broke the tense silence, his voice dead serious.
Helena shook her head, "I can't ask you to do that."
"You're not asking anything of me," the boy shrugged, "I'm making a choice. Until you're ready, we can be friends. If you want to, of course, but I'd rather have you in my life as a friend than not have you at all."
"Oh, JJ," she whined as she pulled him into a hug. He squeezed her back with a ferocity she hadn't expected, but she was grateful for the warmth, "I'm never gonna deserve you, am I?"
"Oh, not even close, I'm just an absolutely perfect, flawless human being," he teased, a smile finding its way onto his face. "I gotta get back to Pope, but I'm glad we talked. So, friends?"
She nodded as she pulled away from him, "Friends. Thank you, JJ, you mean a lot to me."
He smiled and pressed a kiss to her forehead before he was gone. As soon as she heard the door slam, she let herself tear up a little bit. Wiping away her tears, she sighed, just standing in the kitchen for a moment. She felt like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders, but she wasn't happy about it. She hated feeling so contradictory. After a moment, she pulled herself back together. Friends was the best option for them, she knew this. So why did the word feel so wrong on her tongue? She sighed once more and put the rest of the groceries away, feeling heavy.
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