What Happens in Glastonbury

Heart to heart

"We need to talk" he said, I nodded, I didn't want to do this, but I knew it needed to happen to be able to move on, in whatever way it was going to be.

I pulled myself up to sitting in the bed, covering myself with the sheets, I always felt awkward being naked the morning after, it was early, but the room was already so bright, there was no hiding anything!

Jesse turned to me, making me feel even more self-conscious.

"You wanna go first?" He asked, I shrugged, I guess, I didn't really want to go at all to be honest.

"What happened? Why did you never come back after the night with Sam? What did I do that was so bad?" I asked

He sighed heavily, sitting himself up,

"Ugh. This is hard to explain, and I don't want to upset you or ruin the night we've just had" he started, he had definitely overestimated my emotional capabilities, not a lot upset me, I felt a little dead inside, no man had ever managed to penetrate my emotional wall, that's not a euphemism! I mean it, I built a wall up around myself when I was very young, I didn't let many people in, I'd never had a boyfriend who had fully got through it, feeling bad, upset etc just bounced right off the wall, including Jesse.

"You won't upset me" I corrected him

"Nothing that night made me not want to come back,

But that night I thought I was protecting you, I thought I was doing the right thing, I don't know what else I could have done when he jumped on me..." he started

"I was shocked by your reaction, I get you were standing up for your friend, but you had a total disregard for me, I thought we were headed towards being something. I thought I meant something to you" he said, his usually deep and confident voice was quiet.

"You did mean something to me. You do mean something to me Jesse" I confirmed.

"You threw me to the wolves, Olly" he said with sadness in his beautiful sparkly blue eyes, they were even more shimmery when he was sad, I couldn't look away from them, they made me forget my own name.

"You threw me out in the middle of the night, knowing there was fans and paparazzi outside, you've seen what they do to me! I was alone, with no security and nowhere to go in a foreign country.. I guess it just felt like you didn't give a fuck about me" Jesse explained. My heart broke in that moment, it was me, it was my fault.

"Jess" I said, my voice broke and I felt my eyes glaze over. No one ever made me emotional, no one, ever. I knew that meant something that I was close to tears, this one was special, he needed to be allowed inside the wall. Again - not a euphemism! Although he was allowed in any of my walls, real or metaphorical, grr why is my mind always in the gutter at inappropriate moments!

"I'm sorry. I..." I started to apologise but my body flooded with emotion, a feeling I had never experienced before in my whole life, well not at this level, not this intense.

"I am so sorry. I didn't think about any of that" I said, I could feel tears pooling in the corners of my eyes, ready to be released at any moment.

"These aren't things I've ever had to consider before; my life is so different from yours; I just saw a violent side of you that I'd not seen before, and I freaked. I'm sorry Jess. I didn't know" I said.

He took his hand and placed it on the side of my face, wiping the pooling water from my eye with his thumb. He looked into my eyes, but I broke the stare, looking down into my lap.

"It's ok" he replied

"It's not. It made you leave and not come back, you were obviously mad" I said