Finding Bottom

Fight (for) You [M M M]

Yoongi POV

Jimin had been crying so much lately and I wanted to understand why the outpouring of emotion. I couldn't help but feel responsible for making my boyfriend sad. "Are these happy tears again?" I asked tentatively, hoping they were as I sat up, folding my legs and facing him.

"Yes." He sniffled. "And no."

"Tell me." I laid my hand on his thigh, a comforting gesture, letting him know I was here, I would wait. I would always wait for him.

He took a deep breath in and blew it out, almost as if trying to center himself. I couldn't stop my hand from reaching to his face, wiping the tears that fell, caressing him. He tilted his head, leaning into my hand as he looked me in the eyes.

"We promised to be honest with each other, right?" He asked.

I nodded, giving him reassurance. Meanwhile, my heart was fluttering, and my stomach dropped. I lowered my eyes; feelings of anxiety were ratcheting up; I started to think about the worst-case scenarios. What if he didn't want to be with me? I could feel my breathing increase as my heart pumped out of my body.

"I told you that I was never in a relationship before..." His voice trailed off and he tensed, moving his head to search for my eyes as he sensed my discomfort. "Yoongi?"

He noticed my change in demeanor. I took a couple of steadying breaths and told myself to snap out of it. My boyfriend was in some type of pain and needed me. I had to trust that he wasn't going to hurt me. I forced myself to look at him again and nodded, indicating he should continue.

"It's not just that I wasn't in a relationship, but I avoided them, not wanting to be hurt. I told you that I was into quick flings, one-night stands, random men satisfied my needs, but I wouldn't, couldn't, let myself get close." His head dropped, his tone of voice giving me a clue that he was ashamed of himself.

I placed my fingers under his chin, forcing his head up so that we could look at each other. "You don't think I judge you, right?"

He shook his head. "I do a pretty good job of judging myself."

"Stop. We'll add that to the not-allowed list right next to I'm sorry." I tried to joke with him.

He smiled weakly. "I don't know why I was always so scared of emotional attachment. I guess I'm afraid of being hurt. Anyway, those flings...I never even told them my name. Didn't want to hear it come out of their mouths. It would have felt too personal, too emotionally binding and I didn't want that."

I grabbed his hands, trying to convey my understanding and support.

"I figured someday, when I wanted to have a relationship, my boyfriend would use my name. But you – you didn't use my name and it felt comfortable. It felt easy. I didn't ..." he rolled his eyes upward, staring at the ceiling, sighing at himself. "I didn't have to fully, I don't know, immerse myself? There was still a piece of myself I was able to hold back, to protect." He paused and looked at me, tears continuing to drip out of his eyes. His voice shifted to a whisper. "You calling me Jimin caused a crack in the emotional dam I had built to protect myself. I'm scared. I'm so scared and feel so vulnerable."

He sniffled, his nose starting to drip, his lip quivering, his eyes puffy. I wanted to hold him, to shush him, to comfort him beyond these feelings, but he needed to get this out, so I restrained myself.

He cleared his throat, trying to steady his voice so he could continue talking. "But then I started thinking how that's not fair to you. You're the best man I've ever met. You're caring and talented and special, and willing to improve yourself. How can I expect you to trust me, to not be scared, if I can't give you the same? Maybe I don't deserve you at all."