Blank Slate Kate

Chapter 19

Ryan emails me once or twice a day over the next few days. No pressure in his notes, no 'have you remembered yet?'. They're chatty and friendly, hoping I had a fun talk with Ethan and asking if I've been back to Starbucks and wondering whether my latest session with Doctor Ferraro went well. He tells me about the weather in Ottawa, about a funny comment someone made in a meeting at work, and about a novel he's just read that he thinks I might like.

The one thing he never does, though, is mention Jake.

Jake doesn't mention him either, not when we have lunch on Monday or when we go to a movie with Hannah Tuesday night or when we spend Wednesday afternoon putting together a plan to sell his sculptures. We talk about everything else, but not Ryan, and I have so much fun with him, both when we're laughing and when the sexual tension rises between us, that I don't mind. Ryan is a great guy, from what I can tell, but Jake is far more fun and easy-going, and there's a big part of me that likes that.

I also like how we work together on Wednesday. Jake obviously respects my knowledge, the business skills I still have even though I have no recollection of actually obtaining them, and he listens when I talk and makes sure that the plan we're building fits with everything I say and flat-out says at one point, "I think it should be the other way but you're smarter than me so we'll go your way."

"Jake! I am not."

He raises his eyebrows. "Oh, trust me, you are. I wouldn't be able to do any of this without you."

"Then it's good I'm here, isn't it?" I say, knowing full well he'll say it is and we'll have another of those sexy eye contact moments.

He does, and we do, and though I'm married and know I shouldn't I like it.

Once the plan is finished, Jake and I go clothes shopping to find him some classy but artsy clothes to wear when he goes to art galleries to offer his sculptures. Though I didn't want to, I did suggest he should take Hannah with him but he just smiled and said, "I'd rather have you," and I was too happy to say anything else. Watching him show off various outfits is a great way to spend an evening, although when I move my right hand and my engagement ring shoots off sparklers in the bright store lights I feel guilty. Not guilty enough to leave Jake alone, though.

I'm just being friendly, I tell myself. Friendly and helpful. But I know better.

We work on the plan again on Thursday, then Jake spends Friday visiting art galleries around Toronto and I spend part of my morning at Doctor Ferraro's office and the rest of the day working on Bubbly Words. I haven't made any progress at unlocking the secret area, but I can't give up. The key to my life might be locked in there.

Ryan's going to pick me up for dinner tonight at eight, and he'll ask how my therapy session went but I don't know what to say. Today's session was nearly all about Jake, about how I like him and know him better than Ryan and how part of me wants to stay with him.

Ryan is a professional, strong and powerful. Jake is far more scattered, but so far he's also far more fun, and I have a much stronger physical connection with him. Besides, there's the undeniable fact that Donna ran away from Ryan. I'm not at all sure she'd want to go back.

According to Doctor Ferraro, Donna's memories are almost certainly still inside me. "The reason ECT patients forget the time around the treatments is that those memories aren't stored because of the brain disruption. But your long-term memories were stored years before the treatments. The files are still there. What you've lost is the way to access those files."

Just like with Bubbly Words. I need to access my files, one way or the other, so I know why Donna left and whether I should go back and resume her life.