Blank Slate Kate

Chapter 27

A few moments after his ultimatum, Ryan says, "I need some air. I'll go get us coffee if you'd like some."

I nod, too overwhelmed to speak. Not a single thing I've seen has triggered even the hint of a memory. I may never get them back. And then I'll be Kate forever.

Kate, without Ryan.

He looks at me, then turns and leaves without another word. I'm not offended, though; there's nothing else to say.

I wait, taking deep breaths, until my arousal subsides enough to let me think.

I need to unlock my memories. Nothing else matters. Even if I end up learning something that stops me wanting to be with Ryan, I need to know what's happened in the lost fifteen years. Seeing the city where I live hasn't done it, so I'm left with Bubbly Words as my main option. Ethan told me I probably had a chain of things that lead to being able to unlock it, so I will search this office, and the one at home, and--

I slide off the desk where I've been sitting since Ryan lifted me up there and drop onto the couch, stunned by how quickly 'the place where Ryan lives' has become 'home'. I've only spent one night there! But being with him just seems right.

Focus, Kate. Donna. Whoever the hell you are. Start looking for the key.

I get up and work my way through the desk drawers one at a time, pulling out anything that seems even a little strange.

Another fortune cookie fortune: "May grace be with you." Interesting, since there's a grace-related one in my wallet. Donna must have wanted to live her life with a little grace.

A quote by someone called Eaton Dudley. "If I'm downright mad and downright upset, it's down to me to handle what's left." I'm not sure what it means but it's interesting so I snap a picture of it with my phone so I can review it later. For good measure I photograph the fortune too, then put both items back in their places. It doesn't feel right to take them away with me.

A digital picture frame with a cracked screen. Its power cord is wrapped around it, so I start it up and keep looking around while it runs through a self-check cycle. Maybe one of the pictures will be useful to me.

Ryan returns just as the frame shows its first picture, the same furry texture as I found on a photo in my wallet. He starts to speak, but I say, "Come here, quick! What is this?"

He races to my side and has a second to see the picture before the frame moves on to showing a gorgeous sunset. A second is all he needs, though, even with the cracked screen. He laughs, sets down the tray of coffees, and says, "Cat fur."

"Pardon?"

"I had a cat when Donna and I met. She had amazing tortoiseshell fur. Donna loved it and took tons of close-up pictures trying to get all the fur colors into one shot. That was her favorite one."

"That makes sense, then," I say, and tell him about finding that picture in my wallet.

He nods. "She was so proud of it."

Was. I don't like him using the past tense to describe his wife. At the beginning he kept using the present, but he seems to be over that. I miss it.

We stay quiet for a moment, then he says, "Here's your coffee. What else did you find?"

I show him the quote and the fortune, neither of which mean anything to him either.

"Where have you not looked yet?"

"I'm nearly done with the desk, but there's still..." I gesture to the row of low filing cabinets behind me.

"I do think we should check," he says, "but I know that Nadine takes care of those files. The odds that Donna hid something wildly significant in there are pretty low."

"Still..."

He nods. "Yes, we should check."

For the next hour or so, we do. I finish with the desk while he starts at the far right cabinet, and then I take on the left-most cabinet after I find nothing interesting in the desk. When we meet at the middle, neither of us has found anything new.

I sigh. "So I have a picture of cat fur, a quote from some guy I've never heard of, and a fortune that Donna might have just dropped into her desk by mistake. Somehow I don't think I'm any further ahead."

He downs the last of his coffee and says, "I have to agree, I'm afraid. Whatever she used to lock that word game won't be easy to understand or find. She was so smart."

I raise my head. "No smarter than me."

He looks like he wants to protest this but wisely keeps his mouth shut.

"Seriously, though, she can't be. How could she be? Yeah, I've lost the memories, but Doctor Ferraro says my other functioning hasn't changed. If Donna hid it, I can find it."

Ryan again doesn't speak.

An awful thought occurs to me. "Unless you don't want me to."

He looks up, surprised.

"You and Donna had problems, right? Dealing with your affair, with her depression. Maybe you wish I'd go away so you can forget the whole thing. No more me, no more Donna. No more problems."

He stares at me, his face entirely blank. When he opens his mouth, I have no idea what he's about to say.

Neither does he, apparently, since he closes his mouth again. Then he looks me in the eye and says, "I don't want that."

"Which part? No more me or no more Donna?"

He holds my gaze for a long moment then says softly, "I love you both."

I can't believe what I heard but I know I didn't misunderstand. His eyes tell me so. "You... love..."

He swallows hard. "I made mistakes with Donna. I can't tell you how many. But she's my wife, and I love her. But you... I think you're who Donna would have been without all the mistakes. And... yeah. Yes, Kate, I love you."

I can't breathe for a second, then I say what I now realize I've wanted to tell him since he kissed me outside the restaurant in Toronto. "I love you too."

He looks at me, his eyes so sad.

I'm about to ask him why but then I know. "It doesn't change anything for you, does it?" It's not really a question. "You love me but..."

He nods. "But I am married to Donna."

***

Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you’re enjoying Kate's story. The next chapter will be uploaded on Sunday! :) (Please note - I'm working really hard on another book and am behind on comments here - but I hugely appreciate them and will respond shortly! :)

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