Blank Slate Kate

Chapter 30

"Ms. Merrill, would you like a window or aisle seat?"

I nearly burst out laughing. I have no idea. I don't remember ever being on a plane even though Donna traveled regularly for work. I can't even answer something as simple as this. "Let's say window." I'll watch as the plane takes me away from everything.

I answer the rest of the airline clerk's questions. No, I have no frequent flyer membership. No, I don't particularly want one. No, I have no baggage.

This makes me want to laugh again, since I have more than enough personal baggage to fill a jet's cargo hold, but it's good that I restrain myself because the clerk is concerned.

"Are you moving to Vancouver, ma'am?"

I stare at him. Am I? "Yes," I say firmly. "I am. Why?"

He glances at his computer then back at me. "It's just unusual to take a one-way flight and have no baggage with you. In this day and age, we have to question it."

This day and-- Oh. The terrorist stuff. Not having lived through it, I'd forgotten. I left everything in the apartment because I didn't want to take anything from this messed-up life with me. "I shipped all my things there directly so I wouldn't have to carry anything on the plane." I give him my best bright smile. "Everything I need is waiting there for me."

He relaxes. "That makes sense."

I'm finally issued a boarding pass and given back my passport. Donna's passport.

I am so tired of being two half-people. Can't Kate and Donna somehow merge into one?

I think the solution to that dilemma is still locked in Bubbly Words and for the life of me I can't figure out how to break into that damn program. It's holding my life, my memories, hostage, and there's nothing I can do.

"Have a nice flight, ma'am."

"Thank you," I say, and head off with the rectangle of slick paper that will let me escape.

There's a huge line for security, so I stand fiddling with Bubbly Words and awaiting my turn. How ironic, if I crack the secure area now and find out all Donna's secrets. Would they stop me moving to Vancouver? Probably not. I think it might be too late. But I want to know them anyhow.

There are numbers along the top and left side of the grid of letters, zero through nine. I don't feel like playing the game properly, so I tap those numbers. First all in order, then just the evens, just the odds, various different patterns. Nothing happens, of course, but I don't expect anything so I'm not disappointed.

When I tap one then four then seven then the zero on the other side, the game gives a disapproving beep, startling me. It didn't care about anything else I tapped, so why did that matter? I try one-four-seven-one and get the same beep.

It thinks I'm trying to do something. But what? One, four, seven... then what?

The Bruce Williams numbers from my wallet. 14-74-13. Could it be...

I tap them in order, down the left side then across the top.

"Greetings, Donna," flashes on Bubbly Words' screen, and I stare at it in shock. Bruce's name must have been just a way to hide those numbers in plain sight. Were they the final piece of the puzzle? Am I in?

A few seconds of frantic tapping proves I'm not. Nothing else has changed. I've gotten one step closer, though: the game now knows who I am. Who I was.

Damn it, I am so tired of having to say both halves of that. I am and I was and no parts of my life link up any more.

Vancouver will be good for me. A new life. Being in a new place will make all the difference.

A cold shiver ripples over me. Why on earth would it? Where on earth could I go to escape what's happened to me? Yes, the move will get me away from Ryan and Jake and Hannah, but so what? I'll bring them with me in my mind, and in Ryan's case in my heart. I thought I could escape, but all I'm doing is running away.

Again.

Donna ran from her life, and I have kept up that unhappy tradition. I ran from Hannah's place, and from Ryan the day he found me. I wanted to run from Claire at the house in Ottawa, and I nearly tried to jump out Jake's fifteenth-floor window to run away, for crying out loud. I'm always running away.

But everywhere I go, I take everything with me.

I step out of line and find a bench, where I sit for ages. I want to get on that plane, want to lift off and change my life. Again and again I start to push myself to my feet, to rejoin the line, but I sit down again every time because I know it won't work.

I have run so many times that I remember, and probably tons more that I don't. It's never fixed anything.

I won't run again.

I can't go back to Ottawa, since Ryan doesn't want me there and I don't want to be there knowing he's so close but so far away from me. But I can live in Toronto.

It's time to take a stand and stop running, time to really live my life.

I think.

***

Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you’re enjoying Kate's story. The next chapter will be uploaded on Sunday! :) (Please note - I'm working really hard on another book and am behind on comments here - but I hugely appreciate them! :)

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