Blank Slate Kate

Chapter 38

"Kate!"

Ryan stands in the front doorway, wearing old jeans and a t-shirt that's seen better days. I can't take my eyes off him as love and sympathy flood me.

"Kate, what's wrong? Why are you here?"

"I'm sorry, I know it's really late. I had to see you."

He nods, still worried, which makes sense since my eleven o'clock arrival with no notice means something important's happening. "Come in."

He locks the door behind us and leads me to the living room. "Need anything? A drink, food..."

I settle onto the couch and shake my head. "I ate on the train." While I read the rest of Donna's diary and struggled not to cry at everything else I learned.

"Okay." He sits next to me. "So..."

I don't know where to start. "I have a bunch of things to tell you but I don't know how. They're all tangled together."

"Pick one, the simplest one, and go from there."

I nod. Good advice. "I got into the secret area in Bubbly Words."

He looks startled and worried, and I know why, know what he doesn't want to tell me. I learned it on the train. "Ryan. What did you and Donna talk about the night before her last treatment?"

He looks at me, his face soft and sad.

"Tell me."

"You already know, why do you want me to--"

"I need to hear it from you. Please."

He swallows hard. "Donna said she wished she could forget about Grace and everything she'd ever done wrong. Start over."

"And you said?" I whisper.

He looks into my eyes. "I said I'd give everything I've ever cared about to make that happen for her."

Almost word-for-word how Donna had reported it. Of course they hadn't thought it was possible, but when I turned up without those memories, Ryan did indeed do everything he could to keep me that way. "You didn't want me to talk to Ethan in case he knew, you didn't tell me yourself..."

"If you'd heard her," he says softly, "heard how badly she wanted to forget, you'd understand. I couldn't be the one to make her remember, to hurt you with it. I'd hurt her so many other times, I couldn't... I had to give you up so I wouldn't..." He breaks off and swallows again.

"Ryan, I love you. I love you now and forever."

He squeezes his eyes shut. "Please. I can't take it."

I take his hand. "I know why she left."

He doesn't look at me. "Because I cheated and forced her into ECT and ruined her life."

"No." I tighten my grip on his hand. "It's not that at all."

He opens his eyes but doesn't raise them to me; instead he keeps his head bowed like the weight of his crimes is too much to bear.

"Ryan. She loved you. Right to the last entry. She wasn't running away to leave you. She wanted you to run too and she was trying to prove you could."

He does raise his head now, his eyes full of confusion.

I pull out the phone and read the last note aloud.

The plan's all done. I made the fake ticket and bought the hair dye and took out enough cash to get me to Toronto and Janice's place. I know she'll let me stay with her. We've been friends too long for her not to. I have all the steps written down in case tomorrow's ECT leaves me too fried to do them. We can't be happy here. Too many memories. I'll go to Toronto and be Kate. Then Ryan can come, once I show I'm okay, and he'll be Elliott and we can be happy forever. I like those names. He'll like them too. No more depression, no more Claire, no more memories.