Blank Slate Kate

Chapter 24

Ryan swallows his mouthful of reheated bread and says, "So. I assume Doctor Ferraro knows how you're feeling this week?"

I nod and tuck my legs up under me on the couch. "She wants me to take anti-depressants."

"But you don't want to."

No question in his voice, and again I'm amazed at how well he knows me. I was trying to sound neutral but he recognized my true feeling right away. "I don't, no."

"I know that you don't remember ever having taken them. But they did help, at least a bit. You don't think it might be worth trying?"

I shrug, and tell him my fear about them dulling my emotions and reactions. "I might end up seeing something that would help me get my memories back and then not react to it because I've been drugged."

He frowns. "I don't remember them affecting you like that before. Did you ask Ferraro about it?"

"I..." I tip my head to one side, trying to recall exactly what I said. "I told her I didn't want my emotions numbed and she said they would do that, but the rest... I thought it but I'm not sure if I asked. I will, next week."

"Good. I want you to get those years back, of course, but even more I don't want you suffering depression right now."

It feels weird talking about my depression, since at the moment I don't feel it. Whether it was Ryan's kiss or the tears I shed or the vibrant light of my sudden feelings for him, something has made me happier than I've been since I can remember.

I don't know how long we stood kissing on the street. How do you measure a perfect moment like that, when time stops and your life starts again on a whole new track? When Jake kissed me I wanted sex. When Ryan kissed me I wanted to stay in his arms forever. It woke up my body too, of course, but there was too much love and tenderness in that kiss for it to be just about sex. Ryan loves me, there's not a single doubt in my mind now.

And I did love Ryan. I know I did in the past, and for that instant I did in the present.

But do I still?

I know he wants to ask and I'm afraid he will. I don't know what to say. It was a flash of brilliance from the heavens, like that split second when you see the perfect answer for a question or problem you barely understood but then begin to lose it again even as it hits you. I'm losing that feeling for him and I don't know how to keep it, or whether I should even try.

If I'd met him now, I wouldn't be considering trying to avoid falling for him. He's a great guy, from what I know, and loving him would make sense.

But there's a history here that's not within my grasp, and I keep thinking about how carefully Donna planned her departure. She wanted to be gone and she didn't want to be found. I still don't know why, and until I do I'm not sure it's safe to fall in love with Ryan.

Which doesn't mean I'm not on the brink of it anyhow.

He gives me a gentle smile and I see again the way he looked at me after our kiss ended, the love in his eyes almost too heavy for me to bear. He wiped the tears from my face so gently then kissed my forehead and murmured, "Let's go home," and I'd have followed him anywhere.

"I was thinking," he says now. "There aren't a lot of memories for you in Toronto. I think you've been pretty much everywhere you'd recall."

I nod, and say what I know he's going to say. "Maybe it's time for me to visit Ottawa."

"I think so too. I'd like to take you to our house, since if anything will spark your memories it'd probably be there, but if you don't want to stay there I understand. Lots of great hotels not far away."