Ineffable

How To Be A Parent For Dummies

I don't want children

And when I say that I mean

I really want a daughter

I want to teach a girl how to be a strong woman

I want to hug her after her heart breaks and I want to laugh with her years later when she tells me how reckless she was

I want a daughter so I can place her name into every fairytale she wants me to read to her

I want her to know that she is a fairy

She is the dragon-slaying

She is the prince rescuing

I want to teach her to never be scared of her tongue

And to never allow anyone to silence her

I want to show her how to turn bad into good and I want her to be good

I also really want a son

I want to teach a boy how to be kind

I want to hug him after his heart breaks and I want to laugh with him years later when he tells me how reckless he was

I want a son so I can place his name into every fairytale he wants me to read to him

I want him to know that he is a prince

He is the fairy with magic

He is the princess sometimes helpless

I want to teach him to never be scared of his ego

And to never allow anyone to call him names stemmed from fragile masculinity

I want to show him how to turn the bad into good and I want him to be good

But I am scared

There isn't a course in college to learn the damage my words can cause

There isn't a right way to discipline

And there is no father to back up my lessons of love

I'm scared my child will hide their mental illness for years too

Until the pressure from their soda canned depression bursts all over the kitchen floor too

I love my mother

I hate my father

And neither of them know how to be a parent

Neither of them knows how to be selfless

Or strong

And I'm scared to disappoint my children

Like my parents disappointed theirs