May

Thirty

"We are extremely sorry for your loss." The paramedics said as they left. Amari is sound asleep, in her crib, how do I make her understand that her mom is no more. Lani left her a letter for every birthday until eighteen. She left two letters for me as well. I can not remember what the paramedic said but she took blood thinners. I do not know how she got them but she did.

I pack some clothing for Amari because she is sleeping at my place tonight. So much is in my head apart from the break-up that I feel overwhelmed and exhausted but I pull myself together, not for me but for Amari. I will come back tomorrow, to talk to Gladys, hopefully she takes the news better than expected.

I need to call Josh, looking at the time, I will call him later, once he has settled in.

Sleeping with a broken heart and a traumatized soul, what have I done to deserve this?

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"Yes, Ami." Clapping my hands when she puts her toys into the basket. I asked my mother if she can babysit while I go and sort out everything to do with her adoption. I feel like as her godmother, it is my responsibility and because I love her so much but I want to call her father and hear what he has to say because he does have preference over me for her custody and I honestly do not want this to go to court, I do not want to fight with him.

I sent him a text saying that we need to talk and I hope he does call me because I honestly want to talk. It takes so much from me to act okay when I just want to huddle up and cry. My being can sense that it is separated from someone that means so much, that adds to me.

Outside the morgue.

They called to say that the death certificate is out and I needed to collect it. This has been a daunting process, having to make sure it is her, having to organize her memorial and so much more.

I have not opened her letters, I have to because maybe she has given me a clue as to whether she wants to be cremated or buried. I have to face the truth of those letters, as bitter as it may be. My mother took time digesting the truth about Amari.

She has so much drama in her life and she is only three. I printed out all the photos of Lani that I could find and I put them into a box and gifted them to her for her sixteenth and eighteenth birthdays.

My phone rings and fetching it from the back causes me to hit the horn.

"Hello?"

"May, you said you have urgent news, I was kind of busy, sorry for taking so long to call back." My heart flutters, his voice still has the ability to make me jump. The voice of the man who I long for has me dizzy.

"Uhm, it is okay. I have been busy too. It is about Lani."

"What about her?" He sounds distant.

"She died by suicide roughly a week ago, I am organizing her memorial. The issue is Amari."

"Uhm, this is a lot to take in but I have a favour to ask you, if you are up for it." Anything.

"What is it?"

"Can you take her? I mean adopt her, I will send any legal documents necessary, if needed. I could never take care of her without you and because of the situation that I am in with the Mafia, she is better off with you than with me, as much as it hurts." Is this how he felt.

"Hold on, you want me to adopt her?"

"Yes, if you are up for it? I will visit, pay for everything the both of you need, but I will never be able to do that with anyone but you. I know we broke up but you will always be the one for me."