Randomness

Real Talk: 2020

Originally, this was going to be for a video. I wrote it just last night and I don't really want to edit it, since I won't even end up making the video. Anyways, I still decided to put it out there just for those who might need the advise at the end. ...idk.
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"For those who feel down"

Hey, everyone.
First off, this is serious talk. If you wanted to watch something funny, this is the wrong place.

Pretty much the moment I turned 17 (my least favorite number) I had a feeling it was going to be a pretty bad year. No way did I know however that the year would go down in meme history as one of the worst years for literally everyone.

It started off strong, with my slow descent into "self discovery." You see, at first I thought I was doing myself a favor. I was finding out all these things like my personality type, strengths and weaknesses for me and people like me, and so much more. For once I felt as if I was finally figuring out who I was. Best of all, me and Tabby were growing closer as "sisters" than ever. I had never had a friendship so freeing before, so open and sincere, and it was great!... But, as we all know, things quickly took a turn for the worse.

The "pandemic" hit, and even though I was already homeschooled and leaving my co-op, I was suddenly more isolated from everyone I had spent the last four or so years growing to care about. Then, there was nothing for me to think about...nobody but myself.

Not too long after, I found myself in a (diluted) version of the "self discovery" stuff I had been doing. As time progressed I began digging into mental disorders such as depression, narcissism, and eventually even schizophrenia, just to name a few. I began comparing these things with my own behavior, both past and present. All these things about PTSD, I for some reason thought I had... Didn't help any that my brother and dad at that time liked to joke about how stupid the concept was, so I didn't ever feel open about talking about it...same with all the other things I began to question whether or not I had.

It eventually all grew into what felt like a battle in my brain over whether I had problems or not, so much so that I had to boddle some of those things up into what I came to call a different me... which only made things worse, since that meant I had basically just given myself some strange form of DID too..

This didn't all happen instantly either. It took me months to reach that point. Even after I realized the "self help" videos I was watching were only making it worse, and stopped watching them, I still couldn't help but keep dissecting parts of my past that I had always avoided thinking about just so I could figure out if I really was as flawed as part of me thought I was, and how it all started if I was. As you may have guessed, this didn't help.

Thankfully, however, there was still good to be found. Some time that year I had joined a writers group, where everyone would talk about both their own and others' books. It was very therapeutic almost being able to finally talk with others about a similar passion for writing.
And on top of that, even though me and Tabby couldn't meet in person, we would video call every day and do abb exercises together until we could say nothing, just a ton of panting!.. Still fun memories.

Of course, it seems as if many good things come in the form of a double edged sword.

Now, I've always been quite the spongue. My research about myself earlier helped me to see that people like me speciffically might end up a little over our heads if we are always trying to play therapist with everyone... You can probably see where this is headed.. Well, I had been quite used to helping others, or just there to empathyze with others when they were going through hard times. It was pretty easy for me to stand firm and resolve a large conflict between many opposing sides, hurt feelings, and even light forms of threats. As long as I got plenty of rest between conflicts, I was like the eye in the center of the storm or something.