[M] DO IT FOR THE FANS [YEONBIN]

5. I may be too

"You're gay, right?"

Soobin choked on his own saliva and clumsily turned around, frowned eyebrows and defensive posture.

"What the hell?!"

"Sorry, sorry!!!", Yeonjun apologized hastily, "I didn't know how to ask--"

"Seriously, what the fuck?"

Soobin's muscles relaxed a little bit when he unconsciously noticed the elder's body getting smaller and smaller by the second, clearly ashamed of bringing up the topic. The silence that followed seemed to last an eternity, and this time it was awkward.

"The truth is... I think I may be gay. Or bisexual. I don't even know, I just-- Remember this morning I told you I know you're going through something?"

He paused to meet Soobin's eyes for a second, but the younger's face was not showing any emotions whatsoever.

"The truth is... I'm going through something, too. It's been going on for a while now, and you're the only one I can trust..."

Soobin had probably never seen Yeonjun look so small and so stressed out. He left some more seconds of silence pass while he arranged his own thoughts, then finally spoke.

"I am."

His heart started going faster.

"You are... gay?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you for telling me."

You are the one that asked, Soobin thought, but kept the mockery to himself.

Yeonjun bit his lower lip, this time unable to raise his gaze to meet the other's.

"Did you ever date anyone?"

"No."

The elder's eyes widened, still looking at his feet. He finally put aside the glass that he had been holding all the time. Then he tapped on the kitchen counter with one hand while rubbing his neck with the other one, and finally picked up the glass again. His movements made no sense, and it was very unlike him to be so nervous.

"Have you ever confessed to anyone?"

"No."

Soobin's answers were short and lacked any hint of emotion.

"How come?", Yeonjun insisted.

"I was either too young and afraid of getting rejected and bullied, or it happened after I became an idol trainee."

"Oh", was the first thing that escaped the elder's mouth, but then he shaked his had as if he had just remembered something. "What about being a trainee?"

"My career is my priority?", Soobin answered inquisitively, as if the reason was obvious.

"Ah, right, right."

What is it that's making you worry, Yeonjun?, the younger thought, but the words just wouldn't come out. A million things were going though his head: how did the other know he was gay? Did the other members of the group know? Why was his hyung trusting him with this personal stuff?... Did Yeonjun suspect Soobin had feelings for him? Had the younger ever done something to make him uncomfortable?

"Do you ever see those 'Yeonbin' moments compilation videos? They're pretty funny."

That's a random thing to say. The younger raised an eyebrow in response, indicating that he was missing the point of that line of conversation.

"Did you know that they call you panicked gay, and me, confident gay?"

"That's stupid, and what do those videos have to do with--"

"I'm not confident at all.", Yeonjun continued raising his voice over Soobin's words. "If I were, I would've confessed a long time ago."

The younger's mind was a mess. Why was he telling him all of this? What was he supposed to say? His eyes started burning, and the tips of his fingers were pulsating.

Leaving Yeonjun's personal conflicts aside, Soobin figured that if he was going to hear something that he didn't want to know, he might as well get it over with.

"Are you in love with Beomgyu?"

The words escaped his mouth way louder than he meant them to, and as soon as he said them he had to bit his lips to stop them from shaking so much. Suddenly, Yeonjun stopped looking at his feet and meet Soobin's gaze. But what could be read in the elder's expression was neither surprise nor panic, but genuine perplexity. He looked like a puppy that had received a soft slap to the face for the first time.

"What....? Ah... You also answered Beomgyu as my favorite member today, huh?", a sarcastic smile appearing on his face, giving him back a Yeonjun-like look. He put down the glass again, looking at his empty hands, then at Soobin. He sighed, tilted his head, and his shoulders got a little bit wider, closer to their usual width. "I'm not in love with Beomgyu. I don't have any romantic feelings towards him whatsoever."

"Then what? You got a celebrity crush or something?"

"Well, technically, yes", he answered, his eyes fixed on the younger's. His gaze was so intense all of a sudden, that the latter had to look away.

Although Soobin felt his head was going to explode, a thought managed to manifest clearly in his brain.

There are two possible reasons why this conversation is happening... One is that Yeonjun is in love with someone that is not me, and I really don't want to hear that... And the other possible reason is...

He felt dizzy for a second and instinctively put his hands on the kitchen counter to maintain balance, but when his eyes focused, he noticed that his hyung's hands were very close to his own, so he got them off the table.

"I should get back to bed", he managed to mutter.

Yeonjun's gaze softened at the words, and the intensity was replaced with disappointed-looking raised eyebrows.

"But--"

"Good night", the younger nodded as he turned away.

"SOOBIN!"

He froze in place at his name being called in a much louder voice than the whispering tone they had been using, but he was unable to face Yeonjun. His hands were shaking, his heart felt like it was going to burst from his chest, and his eyes burned so bad he had to bit his lip to stop himself from crying.

Realizing the younger was not going to turn around and face him, Yeonjun simply continued.

"Is Taehyun really your favorite?"

Without a single hint of an answer, Soobin shut his eyes and walked blindly out of the kitchen and into his room.

FUCK.