Sad and cute Why Don't We imagines ||COMPLETED||

Life Update

So I have made up my mind to write this, I'm doing it to seek pity or anything, I just feel that I need to address it but I am not such a great speaker. I am better with my words being written.

Anyways, I just need to share this, I'm not too concerned with who sees it because, to be honest, I don't think anything can hurt me as bad as this did.

Ever since I was little my grandma has been there for me, I will admit that like most kids, there were times when I didn't want to visit her because of the whole childhood belief that you have all of the time in the world and everything can be done later... Well let me tell you, there isn't anything that I wouldn't give right now to be able to see her one last time. To tell her I loved her. To get to hug her. Just to spend as much time as possible with her.

She was battling cancer at the beginning of my Junior year of high school, I was as heartbroken as any grandchild would be but I knew my grandma, she was the greatest fighter I knew, nothing was taking her away from her grandbabies until she knew they were going to be okay. And that's exactly what she did.

She hung on. She fought with everything in her. And in May of 2019, she won.

Betty Jean Welch was cancer-free.

But her victory didn't last long. In July of 2020, she was diagnosed again. Stage 3 lung cancer. Stage 1 liver cancer. And stage 2 colon cancer.

She began her chemo treatments once again.

Despite everything that was going wrong in her life, she still held her head up for everyone around her, including me. We called at least once a week. I was supposed to visit her in the first week of November. We had a list of movies to watch, I wanted to just enjoy being around my grandmother.

Somethings popped up and I decided I would go to see her two weeks before October, I was planning on leaving that Friday morning after my class to drive up from Georgia to North Carolina. As midnight got closer that Thursday, I couldn't help but feel something bad was going to happen. I figured it would be on the drive or something would happen in my car. So I called off the drive. That following Monday my grandmother was admitted to the hospital, she couldn't breathe or stop throwing up. They ended up running some tests, which came back to say positive for corona. My grandfather, sisters, and mother were tested as well and all came back positive.

I can't decide whether to be grateful or angry that my gut told me not to go. If I had gone then I would've gotten the virus as well and then spread it to everyone that interacted with me at college, but I would have had the chance to see my grandma again.

I tried to call multiple times, but the line was always busy with someone else's call.

The one time I did get through, October 6th of 2020, she was about to lay down for a nap. I knew she needed the rest so I didn't hesitate in saying I would call her back later. She agreed and hung up. I tried to call her back around supper time that night.

She passed away on October 7th, at 3:44 p.m. in her sleep.

My last conversation with her lasted 4 minutes. I didn't even get to tell her I loved her.

No matter how many times I have been told that she knew I loved her, I can't forgive myself. I feel like I've let her down. She was always there to help me when I was sick or scared, she helped me when I was feeling alone or sad, and I couldn't even tell her I loved her one last time.

And to top it off, I couldn't even attend her funeral.

Now I am stuck in this sick state, I can't get myself to eat unless I'm starving or I'm forced. I can't sleep without a pill to force me, and when I do finally go to sleep I am constantly tossing and turning.

I act like everything is fine, but I cannot forgive myself for not going to see her. I can't get past the fact that I didn't tell her I loved her. I will never forgive myself for not finding a way to go to her funeral.

I have lost all motivation to do anything. I spend most days alone in my dorm, not eating, and not sleeping.

The only thing urging me to continue with my schoolwork is the fact that this is what she wanted me to do. Ever since I was little she always said I had a way with animals and that I should become a veterinarian. I agreed and started my journey this year, and now, I am more determined than ever to complete this goal, not for me, but for her.

I feel it is the one thing that I can do to make everything up to her. All the wrongs that I have ever done to her, I feel like they can be corrected by me fulfilling the one thing she requested.

I always knew that all good things must come to an end because, in reality, nothing lasts forever. But what I didn't know was that it could happen so soon and suddenly.

If I could, I would give anything just to have a final day with her, not her sick hospital self, I mean her unique humorous self. I wish I could spend the day talking about movies again, and what it was like for her growing up. I wish I could walk behind her crouching to her height one more time because it made her laugh. I wish I could bend down to give her another hug because God knows there was a three-foot difference between us. I wish I could make us another pot of tea and enjoy whatever western my grandpa had going. Or spend the day sitting on her old screen porch watching the horses graze in the pastures. I wish I could thank her for waking me up at six in the morning to go help feed the horses because it was one of my favorite things, and she would make sure I ate something before I left the house because "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day".

I just wish I had one more day with her where she wasn't sick and I wasn't carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

So update on the game of life, I'm losing.