Daisy | Levi Ackerman

Chapter 15 - The Locked Box

[Celine]

For the rest of our returning trip, I rode alongside Bertholdt. If I stayed by the wagon that carried my squad's bodies, I would have broken down. Levi's presence there wasn't helping, too. For some reason, I was hurt, every time I looked his way.

"How are you doing?" Bertholdt asked, looking at me as I gazed pensively down the dirt path, lit by the amber sunset glow.

"I'm alright." I answered. "A little shaken up, but alright. You?"

"I..." He replied, and then let out a sigh. "I don't know."

I took in a deep, shuddering breath, and felt as if I had to comfort him- I felt that he needed it more than I did. I looked towards him as he stared onto the trudging path we were taking, his eyes filled with guilt and fear, of what looked like self-contradiction.

I reached over and placed my hand on his. He looked at it for a moment. He lifted it up to his lips and put it back down. "You know,"

My eyes searched for his.

"I really thought I would lose you today." He said.

I looked at him, putting my hand back onto the reins. "I thought so, too."

"I never wanted to be here." Bertholdt mumbled, looking down onto the dry, patchy soil. I looked towards him, feeling a sudden pulse of some sort. "I only came here because you and Reiner are here. This is stupid. It's stupid."

"Bertholdt!" I hissed, furrowing my eyebrows at him. "How could you say that?!"

"Look around you, Celine." Bertholdt growled, his eyes brimmed with fear and loathing like I'd never seen it before. "All these soldiers dying, and for what? What do we ever gain from going outside of the walls? We're going to die out here anyway. Your dreams are futile and unrealistic. All this carnage just so we could give up the safety and comfort of where we belong."

I never thought I could be that furious over him. This was a different kind of anger that I felt- for it was not just because he insulted me. But because he insulted the lives and honor of the ones that died today and for the rest of the days prior to this one.

"Do you realize what exactly you're telling me?" I glared at him, and I knew I pierced through. His face loosened up into a guilty expression. "You have degraded the oath you've taken when you enlisted here. You have degraded the objective of our legion, our Commander- my uncle. You have degraded me, Bertholdt. What? Because this whole expedition frightened you to what seemed like a ten-minute death?!"

"I can't believe you're talking to me like this! It's as if we have not known and looked after each other for the past three years!" He answered, his eyebrows wrinkling into a frown.

"If you think that I would not react this way after what you just said, then you don't know me, Bertholdt. You have no idea about me, just like I don't know you!" I spat out. "All your cryptic talking, and this endless contradiction you have in your mind. At one day, you're a soldier, the other you're just a little boy. Why can you not make up your mind? What is it that's stopping you? 'Cause you've never once opened up to me about it. I'm forced to deal with your secrecy like it's none of my goddamn business!"

"It is none of your goddamn business, Celestine!" He roared. "Leave it alone. I did not let you in my life to continuously nag me on about how much is going on in my mind. You don't understand what I'm going through."

"I would, if you were just man enough to say it!" I answered, raising my voice. So much of the way I spoke today was not who I really was, nor did I use any of the voices I normally used.