I think that life always has it's ups and downs. It's a tough thing to live with, and come to terms with.
I have good days and I have bad days. They always happen. I just wish they weren't in extremes. I'm tired of living in super highs and super lows. Where is the balance?
I don't enjoy being sad. I don't enjoy the dark thoughts that plague my brain. They're annoying. It's stupid.
I am struggling with myself lately. It doesn't help that I have COVID. What's that bullshit?
I don't have any intentions of hurting myself or anyone around me. I've moved past that.
I just feel like my brain is my biggest obstacle in life.
Right now, its 4:07am.
I'm in a discord server full of people I call my friends. But right now, I don't feel like they're my friends. I feel like I'm just there to be there. I don't think they like me anymore. I feel so lonely. I love them all to pieces but it's just so dumb. I leave the server sometimes so I can clear my head and I know that if I stay in the server I'm just going to get increasingly frustrated and I don't want that. It infuriates me to see them interacting with Gianna, while knowing what happened between us. It feels like a betrayal.
Gianna will always be everyone's baby sister, and what am I? The stupid, aggressive, sensitive chick.
Today, Ryan told me that I need to stop leaving the server so much, because I'm draining people because they don't know what's wrong or what's up or what happened.
Did ANY of them bother to ask me why I left? No. NONE. What kind of fucking hypocrisy is that shit? I've just suddenly become not worth a fucking message to make sure I'm alright? But if anyone else leaves, the fucking rescue team comes through to make sure they're okay. I'm just too sensitive and too dramatic to fucking deal with I guess.
I've been thinking of permanently leaving the server. Maybe that's what I need. I'll have my own bubble of people who actually give a shit about me.
Maybe I'm just having 'roid rage from the COVID treatment. I don't know.
I don't know.
