This is my bear.
I love my bear more than anything in the world.
If I had to choose between loving him and breathing, I would use my last breath to tell him I love him.
I've loved him since the first day I met him, and I will love him until forever, no matter what happens.
He's the only reason I'm happy anymore.
This is what I wrote for our two month, and I actually wrote it in a journal, which I now have to get rid of due to water damage, and I want to save this, so I'm going to type it here.
Here we go..
Bear, it's officially been two of the greatest months of my life. You've made me the happiest I've ever been. If I'm honest, you've been making me happy for more than two months. From the day I met you, you've been bringing smiles to my face. You disappeared sometimes, but you always managed to reappear when I needed it most. I've wanted to be yours since pre-Alex when we met. When you sat in those rooms with me, and actually listened to me, I knew I was starting to like you. When I had that breakdown, and wasn't responding to anyone, it was you who broke through, and sat in that small dark room with me for hours. I knew I definitely loved you, because nobody had done that for me. When we were in the group call, and I didn't want to talk, you were the one to calm my nerves and reassure me that I would be okay. I knew without a doubt that I loved you. I wanted to tell you, but that was around the time Alex was around, and you asked me for advice with Gianna. I didn't want to get in the way of your happy ending, so I tried to swallow my feelings and help you with Gianna. I thought that I could push my feelings into Alex, but I quickly realized it wouldn't be as easy as I thought. Time passed, and it became clear Gianna wasn't going to fall with you, so I decided I was going to tell you. I built up the courage, and that same day Gianna told me that you and Kelly were dating. When I asked you about it, and you confirmed it, I reacted horribly. It hurt that you were with her, even though I couldn't do anything about that, I was jealous of her, I was angry that you defended her over everything, including telling me to kill myself. I thought, after that, the feelings would go away, but they didn't. I tried to make them g away, but no matter what I tried. I started to slowly fall back into depression. I thought I had lost you, your friendship, and any smidge of a change I had at your love. Time passed, and you came back again. You came back and you pulled me up again like you always do. The only difference is this time, you stayed. You didn't leave, and all those feelings I had been trying to forget hit me full force, and I couldn't bring myself the confidence to tell you, but I didn't have to. You beat me to it. You have made me the happiest I have ever been. You are so ridiculously perfect. I know you don't think you are, but you are. Every single thing about you is perfect, from your head to your toes and everything in between. I love every single part and I wouldn't change anything about you, ever. I love your flippy brown hair. I love your cute little ears. I love your beautiful eyes. I love your adorable nose. I love your kissable lips. I love your gorgeous smile. I love your cheeks. I love your neck. I love your birthmark. I love your collarbone. I love your chest. I love your shoulders. I love your biceps. I love your arms. I love your hands. I love your tummy. I love your booty. I love your thighs. I love your calves. I love your ankles. I love your feet. I love your toes. I love your fingers. I love your elbows. I love your knees. I love your voice. I love your laugh. I love your confidence. I love your security. I love your jokes. I love your games. I love your happy face. I love your sad face I love your silly face. I love your mad face. I love your serious face. I love your awake face. I love your sleepy face. I love your words. I love your name. I love your nicknames. I love your goodmornings. I love your goodnights. I love everything you say to me. I love your skype. I love your personality. I love your pride. I love your compliments. I love your jealousy. I love your protectiveness. I love your encouragement. I love your faith. I love your height. I love your weight. I love your passion. I love your honesty. I love your family. I love your friends. I love your stories. I love your singing. I love your acceptance. I love your power. I love your strength. I love your air kisses. I love your pillow cuddles. I love your addictions. I love your style. I love your taste. I love your imagination. I love your inability to cook. I love your willingness. I love your tongue. I love your positivity. I love your torture. I love your lip biting. I love your moans. I love your groans. I love Keith. I love your sighs. I love your whining. I love your weaknesses. I love your fetishes. I love your pleasure faces. I love your reactions. I love your dirty mind. I love your desire. I love your determination. I love your cluelessness. I love your promises. I love your intelligence. I love your selflessness. I love your praise. I love your quick thinking. I love your problems. I love your problem solving. I love our patience. I love your attitude. I love your calmness. I love your thoughts. I love your care. I love your shyness. I love your beauty. I love your blush. I love your plans. I love your denial. I love your scars. I love your stretchmarks. I love your memory. I love your everything. I love your love. I love you. I think long distance relationships are better than regular ones. You can fall in love with every single part of the person. Hearing their voice becomes so much more special. It's not all about the physical stuff. It's not all about the petty stuff everyone has now. You get to know the person better than anyone you could in person. Yeah, it sucks not being able to hold them and kiss them and be with them, but when that time comes, you will cherish it so much more because you know what it's like to not have it. Sometimes, I'm asked, "How can you love a boy you've never met?" and my answer is always the same. The boy I've never met has told me I'm beautiful so many times. Never has anyone I know made me feel of such worth. There's miles and miles between us. Expensive plane tickets, long waits between visits, poor internet connections, nights spent alone, but you're more than worth it. I believe in the immeasurable power of love ; that true love can endure any circumstances and reach across any distance. However far away, I will always love you. The days I don't talk to you are just, bad days. I don't want anyone else to have your heart, kiss your lips, be in your arms, be the one you love. I don't want anyone to take my place. I'll have nothing if I don't have you. I want no one else but you and it sucks that there are miles between us, but those miles mean nothing because when I think about you, I'm happy and I'll never quit for someone who lives near me. We will beat this distance, I promise, It's just a test. I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet, and when they do, they won't forget. Distance. It's not for the fearful. It's not for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those who know a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it enough. No matter how horrible my day was, talking to you for even just a minute make everything perfect. I love you, bear. I love you so much. You're so utterly amazing. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. You are everything I have ever wanted in a guy, and more. Even when you're scaring the shit out of me, telling me you broke your arm. Rude, btw. You are the best thing I could ask for. You are my everything. My entire world. Everything I do revolves around you. All my thoughts and actions. My dreams, my art, my stories, and my music. You are my other half. My soul. I remember telling you about my dream guy list, and about you being everything but one, a werewolf. The only reason werewolf was there was for one reason ; werewolves have mates. A mate is one person, made for them. Their other half. They only have eyes for their mate. They only love their mater. They grow up, with no clue who it is. When they hit a certain age, they gain the ability to find their mate. The mate has a sent, that smells like the most wonderful thing they've ever smelt. When they look into each other's eyes, they instantly know they're mates. When they touch, everywhere tingles, like sparks. In that moment, their mate is the most important thing in the world. They yearn to love, protect, comfort, care, and please their mate. Their mate is the only one for the,. Made for them only. I tell you this because, even though we aren't werewolves, and mates like that don't exist, if they did, there's no doubt in my mind, that you'd be mine, and I, yours. You complete every part of me. The places I lack, you exceed. You full my dark mind with a bright light. My hating heart is filled with love. My depression is no longer existent. You make me so undeniably happy, Rj. I can never express my love and my thanks enough. I'd be completely and hopelessly gone without you. You give me hope. You give me purpose. You give me everything, and hopefully I give you everything too. You're my one and my only. A small part of my past, most of my now, and all of my future. I can't wait to be held in your arms, so I can cover your face in kisses and tell you all of this, to your face. I would do anything for you, I'd give anything for you, I'd give everything to you. You're experience in my world of first, all of which I will give to you willingly. You will be my first and my last everything, Rj, I swear it to you, and when you hold me in your arms, and I bury my face into your chest, your chin on my head, holding me tightly like I could disappear at any second, you will know that everything I tell you is the honest truth, and that I love you more than anything that I have ever and will ever love. You are all that I want, all that I need. I will give up everything to keep you with me, no hesitation. You are my life, my love, my all, my everything, and I am so grateful I have you. No matter how painful distance can be, not having you in my life would be worse. Just the thought of kissing your lips after we've waited for so long makes my knees weak and my heart shiver. I've been yours since the moment we met, bear. I pinky promise that we'll make up for lost time we didn't spend together. One day we will wake up side by side and then all hose little things we do during the day (getting ready for school, going to the shops, making dinner, taking walks, doing laundry) will never have to be done alone ever again. I will be by your side and you will be by mine and everything will be right with the world. I just want to lay next to you and listen to the beat of your heart. I just want to close my eyes and fall asleep in your arms. I just want to feel you and just forget the world. I choose you, and I'll choose you over and over and over. Without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I'll keep choosing you. You are my reason to live. I fell in love with you. Not for how you look, just for who you are. (Although, you look pretty good too.) Before I met you, I never knew what it was like to be able to look at someone and smile for no reason, and if only you could see the way my face lights up when your name appears on my phone. It doesn't matter where I am or where you are. I will forever be yours. I love you, bear. <3
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So, yeah.
(October 16, 2015 edit)
We are no longer together. There is no chance in hell of us being together ever again. He destroyed me.
I would delete this but unfortunately, deleting that won't make sense with the rest of the journal.
Whatever.
