The Girl of The Sun

nine

Since that night, I found myself falling into the deep dark holes of depression again. The same cycle happens over and over again, it usually goes like this; Something happens, it could be a trigger or a certain event, right after I'll have a phase of anxiety, where everyday I wake up, and my heart is beating out of my chest. Nothing is worse than feeling as if the world is crumbling to your feet but in reality, you're at a stance still. Everything around you is frozen and nothing ever changes because you do the same cycle every day. You wake up, you give enough of the strength that's been built up the night before just to brush your teeth and hair, do your make up. You do more than force a smile. You force to carry your own weight and existence, when simply you wonder what it's like if it wasn't real. I'm not suicidal, I just want to know if it feels better to be nothing from the start than to feel numbing pain. I just want to know, what's my purpose? When will I know all of this was worth it? I wish I can skip right to the good parts.

But when I look at him, I can get a little taste of what my happy future will be like. Out of all these blank emotions, a piece of it is bright and shiny and new. He keeps me going and that's all I need right now.

After Christmas break, I can feel myself getting over the hump of depression. Beginning of the new year always feels fresh, it's a positive time for me. I don't tell Raf because I don't want him to worry and I don't tell my mom for numerous of reasons. It's more because she tells me to just "calm down" or I'm on my phone too much. It's never listening to when I say I need help. I'll help myself instead, that's just fine.

For Valentine's day, Rafael and I go to our favorite Thai place in town . He puts a gold heart-shaped locket around my neck. Inside of it is a picture of him and a black & white kitten.

"What's the random cat for?" I joke around, thinking it was a joke at first.

He tilts his head and gives me a look that basically says "what do you think?"

"Oh my God, did you get me a cat?!" I basically almost burst into happy emotional tears and jump out of my seat, flinging my arms around him across the table.

"He's waiting for you at home, I found him at the shelter today and asked which one had been there the longest, and it was him. He's very friendly too." he pulls out his phone and shows me more pictures.

When dinner is over over, we go back to Raf's house and I sprint to the doors. There's the little cat, he's about 6 months old and still very playful. My heart melts as he chews up a shoe lace.

"What's his name?" I pick him up and hold him like a baby.

" I thought you could name him, I feel like you'd come up with a better name anyways." He explains as he sits down next to me on the floor.

"I think... I think I'll name him Chai." We all cuddle in together like a little family, I feel so warm, so complete.

"Like that drink you always order from Sun Roast?" He laughs in disbelief.

"Maybe. I just think the name sounds...cute."

"Yeah cute like you." He tickle attacks me until I laugh so hard I'm practically snorting and I'm trying not to because I cringe and get so embarrassed.

"Thank you again. For everything. To be honest with you I've been feeling down these past few months and I don't know exactly why. But when you're here with me, nothing else matters. — So thank you."
A happy tear trickles down my cheek and Rafael wipes it off and gently plants a kiss on my forehead. Finally, the fog cleared and I can breathe again.

It's a beautiful mid March afternoon and finally it's the weekend which means I have work. Working at a grocery store isn't ideal, but when it's organic and carries food that cater to you. Especially when you get discounts, it's not as bad. The whole store smells like lavender and herbal medicines since it carries a long supply of vitamins as well. Usually I help pushing carts, helping the cute old ladies carry their bags to their car and stock up shelves. All of my co-workers are really friendly. A lot of long haired hippie dudes or young granola guys that hike a lot around Colorado. Everyone is so peaceful and calm; it sounds weird but work is my escape place sometimes. Away from my home and past.

  Finally at about 4:00 my shift ends. I head to my car and hop in. I stay in there for a good 5 minutes just trying to scroll my Apple Music to find a perfect song to drive to. Golden by Harry Styles of course.

Before I drive off, my phone dings.

Raf💞: I can't wait to see you tonight🥰

Me: Me too. I made you lemon poppy seed cookies, your favorite;)

Raf💞: Marry me already 🙄

Me: Well in that case, I do💍 i love you forever

I'm driving the highway and fast cars pass me by. The skies are clear, the sun is bright. I'm singing to myself and tapping the wheel, turning into side roads as I enter the side of town my neighborhood is on.

  I stop at the stop sign, look both ways and start down the road. I'm at the other side and just as I'm about to turn to the next street-

  A flash of light. Glass shattering, the car slides, jerking me back and forth until I feel myself in the air flipped upside down.

I try to keep my eyes open. I try to hold on — to something, anything. But all that surrounds me is dark.

I hear sirens and people running to help me.

"Hold on Fabi, don't let go." I tell myself slowly as blood trickles down the side of my cheek.

"Don't let go."