The Girl of The Sun

fifteen

That whole night, I never stopped crying. I cried like I had just lost somebody. Almost as much when my Tío Antonio died 7 years ago. Even though my dad and I are trying to resolve things, it doesn't change the fact that for a big portion of my life, I didn't have the male support every girl needs. Besides my uncle. He was my mom's younger brother and best friend, he was there when my dad wasn't. Somebody to lean on when I was let down. So when he passed, I felt like I didn't have anyone. Not even a grandpa because he died, and the other one has a completely different life with a whole other family. I tried to fill all of the void with boys who would only hurt me more, I relied on even Alexander, I took them like drugs and when I wasn't around him or Raf, I'd be empty. Like I needed some kind of validation from a man; not even in a romantic way for the most part. Just someone strong and sturdy to hold me because I'm tired of pulling myself together, It's exhausting.

     It's been a week since the after prom party and Rafael and I haven't spoken still. I don't even see him in the hallways because I avoid where he usually goes. Since Meadow and I have two classes together, it's so painful. I avoid eye contact at all costs, but that doesn't mean I don't feel her big colorful eyes glare at me, smirking at me like she had just stolen the most expensive diamond with a genius plan of a heist. One time, I happened to be walking behind her and some girls from the dance team. She knew I was behind her and said something about me being poor and misfortunate, it was hard to hear in that crowded hallway but I could easily pick out the words she was spitting out of her mouth. In that very moment I imagined I had said "Hey Meadow, you know what's poor and misfortunate? You, B*tch." And then I deck her in the face and take her wallet. But obviously, I would never do that, but it's a nice coping mechanism to imagine it. Instead I just walk away, like my Abuela always says "el silencio es la mejor forma de ganar." Which means, silence is the best way to win.

Although I try to keep a strong grasp on things, it doesn't erase the sadness and disappointment I feel. Weekends I never leave the house, not even my bed sometimes. Finally it's Sunday, but I wake up with an uneasy sour stomach. I keep wondering if i ate something bad or if I have the stomach flu, but i've been this way for well over a week now. Something isn't right, that's for sure. I'm leaning over the toilet and once this puke session is over, i search the cabinet for medicine and notice a box of tampons.
  "Shit. No, no it can't be." I lean against the wall as I talk to myself. I check my period tracker app to see that I am 8 days late. Everything is so hectic from Raf drama, graduation and studying for finals lately that I couldn't even remember about my period which I am always good at. My birth control pill makes my periods lighter but doesn't completely take it away, so its easy for me to recognize when I'm late. My mom is at work so I'm home alone, immediately I call Estrella and we go to the local Walgreens and buy a pregnancy test. As we sit in the car driving back home, my stomach is in knots. It's like i can't see what the future holds at all anymore. One thing after another, what am i gonna do? I guess I won't know until I take the test.

   I take the test and leave the bathroom, not being able to bear the fact that this is reality. I don't even want to wait 3 minutes, I don't want to know at all.

"Okay, it's been 3 minutes, are you ready?" Estrella sighs and has a sappy sorry look on her face. I nod my head and we walk back in the bathroom. She picks it up and looks at it, and by the look of her face, I know exactly what the answer is. She covers her mouth with her hand and gives me the stick, there it is, the two little lines. They're so little but say so much. Tears fall down my face, I can't even look, everything Estrella is saying doesn't even process or comprehend in my brain. Everything is blurry and I slide down the wall to sit on the floor. But I don't let myself fall apart completely, I have to figure out what's best for myself.

"I can't have a baby, I'm so young and wouldn't be able to provide the best life for them right now, I can't do it." I push my hair back and wipe my tears.