Forever Undaunted

17

August 15th
Tris's POV
I feel my face slowly drop at Tobias's expression. He stares at me with pain and sadness swimming in his eyes. I feel my body curl over, hugging my stomach. Thoughts swirl my head. Is he not happy? Does he think it's too soon to have another baby? Does he not want another baby? Did I cause him too much pain when I lost my memory? Does he want to leave me?
Tobias's shaky breath pulls me out of my head as I sit facing him in bed. I pull the sheets toward my body, searching for some warmth since the air has become so cold.

"Tris," he says, his voice shaking.

"Do... do you not want a baby? Is it too soon? I was going to tell you on my birthday but... Did I hurt you too much when I lost my memory? Do you want to le-"

"Tris, no!" He says, putting his hand on my thigh. I recoil at the coldness, searching his eyes for answers.

"Then what's," I choke back my tears. "What's wrong?"

"There is something you have to know." He lets out another shaky breath.

"What?" I ask, hesitantly.

"When you fell," he starts, letting a stray tear fall. I place my hand on his cheek, wiping it away. "You had a brain bleed. I had to take you to the hospital right away. If I hadn't... you would've died," he whispers. I stay silent, urging him to continue. Where this was going, I did not know, but I had a pit in my stomach. "They had to take you into emergency surgery. They didn't have time to take any tests. When you got out of surgery... they realized..."

I feel myself inhale sharply. No, no, no, NO! I plead in my head. This can't be true.

"The baby," he chokes. "Didn't make it."

I stare at him, and then I fall apart.

August 16th
My eyelids feel heavy from crying the night before. I begin crying again at just the thought.

"Shh," I hear Tobias whisper as he holds me against his bare chest. I had almost forgotten he was there. I silently cry into him for what feels like forever. I feel the wetness against his chest fall onto the sheets. I hardly notice his tears on my head.

"What time is it?" I whisper after a while. I feel Tobias shift, looking at the clock.

"Six," he sighs, pulling me closer.

Somehow, from somewhere deep inside of me, I find the strength to sit up. I wrap my arms around my stomach, finding the will to get out of bed.

"Where are you going?" I hear Tobias whisper.

"I want to see my babies," I choke.

"Okay," he sighs.

I pull a black blanket off the bed, wrapping it around my shoulders and walking down the hall toward River's room. I slowly push the door open, choking at the sight of my baby girl sleeping. I kneel next to the bed, stroking her hair. She doesn't look like a five-year-old. The dark circles under her eyes show what should come from years of suffering. I feel tears wet my face once again.

I have caused this.

I lightly stroke her brown hair, her soft features that are so like her father's. After a while, River's eyes flutter open. She looks around for a moment, confused from sleep until she realizes me.

"Mamma?"

"Yes, baby," I nod, crying. I quickly wipe a tear that falls from her blue eye.

"Do you remember?"

I nod again, letting out a relieved laugh. She smiles from ear to ear, wrapping her arms around my neck. I pull her close to my body, crying into her neck.

"I missed you," she whispers.

***

I sit on the couch, huddled in a blanket with the twins, watching cartoons. Once the twins woke up, Tobias took River to the dining hall to get us all breakfast. She didn't want to leave me but I promised her that I wasn't going anywhere.

The twins hardly knew what was going on. All they knew was that mommy was at the doctor for a week. They had no idea that only a day ago I had no idea who they were; they were just some other Dauntless kid. Not my babies.

My heart wrenches at the thought. Hearing Bellamy and Blakelyn giggle at the TV bring me back to reality. I realize I need to start living in the moment, taking in every second. It could all be over so fast.

I sigh, leaning my head on top of Bellamy's and drifting back to sleep.

"We got cake!" I hear River yell, waking me up.

"Cake!" the twins scream, sprinting off the couch to the kitchen. I press my finger to my temple, trying to massage away the pain.

"Come on, mama!" I hear River call.

"I'm coming, baby," I call back, pressing myself up from the couch. I lean on the counter, watching the kids climb into the bar stools while Tobias dishes up the cake. I glare at him.

"What?" he exclaims with a smirk. I nod at the cake. "We'll have a healthy dinner," he says kissing my forehead. I don't argue since the pounding in my head is too much. I walk to the other side of the kitchen getting a glass of water and a painkiller.

"You okay?" Tobias asks, rubbing my back as I swallow the pill.

I nod." I just have a headache. I'm fine."

"Okay," he says skeptically.

"I am!" I convince him, though my head continues throbbing. "Come on, let's go eat."