BURNING RED

Chapter 20

WET

Life becomes easy once you learned how to love yourself. I have more confidence and self worth and I never let anyone walk over me. Ever.

Back in my high school days, wala nang sumubok na ibully ako ulit matapos nilang malaman ang ginawa ko kay Mayla. But neither I got friends. Wala namang kaso sa akin dahil magiging liability ko lang sila. I stayed in St. Ives High School until I graduated. Nagkaroon din kami ng catfight ni Megan over petty thing during our eleventh year. Hindi ko na nga maalala pa kung anong dahilan. Pero mas dumistansiya ako sa kanila lalo na kay Bryce. For his own sake.

Noong mapag alaman kong hindi tinanggap ni Bryce yung scholarship niya sa Manila, I was heart broken. I felt sorry. At first I wanted to talk to him about it. Pakiramdam ko,ako yung dahilan. But I decided against it. I just let it go. Hindi na rin kasi ako kasama sa bago niyang buhay. Kaya kung anuman ang iniisip ko ay isinuksok ko na lang sa pinakailalim ng utak ko.

The next school year, I saw him at the front gate of Guillermo College with his friends. He studied and graduated there.

Sa bawat araw na lumilipas, para niya akong anino. Walang araw na hindi ko siya tinatanaw mula sa bintana ng kwarto ko.

I felt so sorry for myself dahil ni hindi ko naranasang ngumiti at maging masaya pagkatapos naming magkasira samantalang siya ay palaging tumatawa at masaya kasama ang mga kaibigan niya. Hindi rin nawawala ang mga babaeng palaging katabi niya sa paglabas ng school. After all he was popular amongst women in our province.

Tama nga si Papa nang sabihin niyang masakit makita ang mahal mo na may kasamang iba. Na masaya siya at tumatawa samantalang ikaw ay hindi pa makamoved on. Regret was the only thing I have in my heart during those years.. I kept thinking 'Our What ifs' din.

Pero kahit hindi kami nagkatuluyan at nag uusap, masaya pa rin ako para sa kanya at sa naging mga girlfriends niya. I swear..

Anyway, just to show everyone that I was okay and had moved on, I did my own little quest back then. I tried so hard to find someone that could fill up the missing piece in my heart. But to my dismay, I never got one.

Comparing him to the boys I had was like heaven and hell. I was too late to realize that I lost a diamond while busy collecting stones. Lahat bagsak. Walang panama.

Palagi din akong napapasok sa hindi kaaya ayang sitwasyon dati, but luckily, lagi akong nakakalusot. Someone or something would come up to save me. I stopped looking for love on my last year in High school.

Pagkagraduate ko ng high school ay dumiretso ako agad sa Manila to adjust myself in my new life style.

My life was quiet and drama free. I felt okay. I was okay for a couple of years. Pero yung lagay ng puso ko, same pa rin. Empty.

Sumubok ulit ako sa Manila. I tried so hard to look for someone.. dahil habang tumatagal, mas lalong lumalalim yung emptiness sa puso ko. I became desperate. kahit sino na. Mas matanda sa akin, mas bata, may natapos na, may trabaho. I even had a high schooler- na hindi ko alam. My bad.. Pero kahit anong gawin ko, hindi pa rin ako nagtagumpay na palitan siya.

He was really irreplaceable in my heart.

Nito lang ay tumigil na ako sa kakahanap. Gaya dati, ako rin naman kasi ang napapagod, nagpupuyat, namomoblema at na-i stress kapag nangungulit na sila.

Ako ang may kasalanan at may problema sa bawat nakakarelasyon ko kaya hindi ko na pinapatapos pa ang isang buwan. Nakikipaghiwalay na ako.

Yong iba, naging kaibigan ko at yung iba naman may galit sa akin at hindi na ako kinausap pa. Hindi ko sila masisisi. It was my fault. Ako ang nagkulang.