Most Lovely Words

Chapter 9: Bad Aftertaste

I sat down on the couch, staring at the little pink bag sitting in my hands. Opening it, I let out a pained gasp. It was the journal Bry had almost lost. His handwriting on the cover made my heart sting. Tears splashed down without resistance, and I flipped open the book.

"I still remember when we first met, and every second after that. You had a smile so radiant that it outshined everything. I want to see you have that again. I want you to remember me for who I was, the good and the bad. That's why I'm making this. It's a book of our memories. Everything we've done together, and the things we planned on doing. So that you'll always have me. Always keep smiling. Bry." I could hear the words in my head, read in his voice.

I flipped the page, and I almost had to put it down. A few small photos had been glued onto the next pages, with Bry having written notes next to each one. A photo of us at the park, one of us at his house, and the last one being my favorite. His high school graduation photo. We stood there, not knowing where we would be in five years and not really caring. His face was full of life, a smile so bright it could cascade through the universe. I had my arms wrapped around his shoulders, and I was smiling too. And yet, neither of us knew.

"I wish we could go back to this moment so bad. I wish I had kissed you then, when you held me like the world wasn't there." He'd written.

The photo of us at the park was taken in his sophomore year during summer break. We held a soccer ball, both staring at it goofily as if it were alien.

"I wonder if you'll still laugh at this like I did." He wrote.

I couldn't laugh, because I was too busy crying. A heavy weight in my chest, and a pain more powerful than anything. I laughed at that photo yesterday, just a little.

I closed the book, even though there were still many more pages to be read. I just didn't have the strength to do it. I set it down on the coffee table in front of me, and tried to contain the sadness swallowing me. It was so cold, and so empty. I wanted to pick up my phone, and call him. I wanted him to call me. But even that desire left a bad aftertaste in me.

I looked at the paper still clutched in my hand, reading the number that Kevin had given me. I thought about calling, but I hesitated long enough for my brain to decide against that for me. I put that paper down on the table next to Bry's photo album, and curled up into a ball on the couch.

"When we die, where do you think we go?" I ask as we stare up at the sunset filled sky.

"I don't know. Heaven, maybe?" Bry responds.

"You know what I want to be?" I look at him.

"Hmm, let me see..." He scans the scenery around us. "A pigeon?"

I laugh. "No!"

"Really?" He smirks. "What then?"

"A star." I say. "I want to shine up there, and I want everybody to know it's me."

"You do shine, Kallie." He says quietly, almost under his breath.

Why hadn't I told you then? I stared at the clock, waiting as the time slowly ticked down to six in the morning. I couldn't sleep, even if I tried. Suddenly, another tsunami of pain washed over me. This time, I couldn't hold back the sobbing. There was nothing to help me, nothing to distract me, and it was killing me. I had never known I could feel so lonely. I had never known that one person could make you feel like you had everything.

In that second, all I needed was him. I wanted him to hold me. I wanted him to fall asleep next to me again, to laugh at me and tell me to stop crying. But he wouldn't. I felt so alone, and so devastated. There wasn't anything to make that go away. I wondered if he could see me, if he knew what this was doing to me. I tried closing my eyes, tried ignoring everything, but that didn't work. I was exhausted, my eyes burning and making that fact even more obvious. I held my eyes shut, trying to focus on breathing.