In My Mind

Secret (Beyoncé x Kelly)

I just happened to be listening to some 90s throwback RnB and this song came on and it produced the story below.

I woke up this morning to another sunny day in California but I'm feeling anything but happy on the inside. How did I let my life get this way? There are so many answers but no answers at the same time. I hope you can understand what I'm saying. It's hard being in love with someone who wants to keep what you have a secret. I've loved her since I can remember, she was always a shining star and I'm so proud of her success. Don't get me wrong I'm successful in my own right but not nearly like her.

What we have/had? I don't know how to label it right now. Our relationship is up in the air but for the world we have to pretend that we are still the best of friends. That's right I didn't introduce myself, I'm Kelly Rowland, one third of Destiny's Child, solo act, fashion designer and actress. The person I'm in love with if you haven't guessed by now is Beyoncé. Our relationship as friends began when we were kids and our intimate relationship began when we were teenagers into our young adult years until she met him. They got married and I distanced myself from her but every time something happens between them she ends up right back in my bed. I try to be just the comforting best friend but she always wants to cuddle and touch on me and I can't resist her. Then morning comes and she's gone again, right back to him.

So what did I do? I tried to move on with my life as best as I could. I met a man who was charming, unique, understanding and saw past Kelly the star. I love him but I never was and never will be in love with him. Not as long as my heart lies with her. I married him and had a son by him but he knows I don't love him like I should. This morning I'm laying in bed depressed and sad because she's gone again. Last night she came crying about how He keeps lying to her about the women he's slept with. So she cried some tears, we watched a movie and she woke me up at two in the morning giving me head. Now it's nine am and she's gone again. I don't know when she left. Thank goodness my husband and son aren't here, they're visiting Tim's parents. I couldn't go because I had some business meetings for my Fabletics line. I don't want them to see me like this, crying and stressed out over someone who claims to love me but never chooses me.

Finally I get up and wipe my tears, I make up my bed and head to my closet to choose an outfit for the day. I place my clothes on my bed and grab some under clothes heading into the bathroom to start my morning routine and then shower.

"Wink play my music, 90s music list."

It starts off with Boyz to Men's Motown Philly, then Lauren Hill-Ex-factor, next is Janet's-I Get Lonely which puts me back into my feelings. Then as I step into the shower Xscape's My Little Secret plays and I can't help but to see the parallels of it to my life. I end up crying in the shower and I can't stop. I had to stop the music because it was too much. As I sat on the shower floor I called out to Wink to shut it off. I pulled myself up, washed my body and quickly dressed myself before going to the kitchen to grab something to eat. My meeting wasn't until noon, which gave me about 45 minutes to get there and it's not far from my house. I leave early anyway and take in the scenery just thinking about my life. I really don't want to be in this place, I need peace. I'm like Aaliyah right now and I need a resolution. I can't continue like this, the only person I can think to talk to about this is no longer here. I miss my mom so much, she would have had some words of wisdom for me. I could call Momma Tina but she'll know exactly what I'm saying before I even get half the story out. She's always been great at reading me even over the phone.

My meeting went well and I can say that I am satisfied with all the designs. They are exactly what I wanted. A lot of people famous or not, fans and nobodies have said I'm copying Bey, when actually it's the other way around. It was an idea I had years ago and was trying to get a company to back my clothing but it took a while. In that time I discussed it with her and she took her idea to Adidas and of course with her name being bigger they immediately said yes to a deal with her and that was how Ivy Park was born. I kept pushing until fabletics gave me a chance and I took it. Now I've got multiple lines under them and I'm working on eventually separating my brand from theirs. It's successful enough now. As I'm thinking, trying to keep my mind from wandering, it keeps going right back to her. I feel stuck almost as if I'm suffocating. My phone rings and I look to see who it is. It's Momma T.