reminiscence

forever and ever.

-she tears a paper from her black composition notebook during class. and after a long day of longing to be longed and cathartic epiphanies, she writes a letter to her loves. the ones that have stayed. the ones that have left. the ones she hasn't even yet met. and a love that will remain greater and truer forever and ever.-

i want to fall in love.
i want to fall in love so hard that it will be 
both the best and worst thing to happen to me in my life. 
i want to fall in love like heaven and hell and everything else
crossed over to us in such a small amount of time. 
maybe people want to fall in love
because it gives them a purpose.
love is purpose. 
i am scared of a love so strong.

the past has hurt.
i have reminiscenced  far too much,
on loves and fairytales and ideas that do not want to exist. 
on people that do not want to exist. 
and sometimes you just want to cut it out out out 
but everything i've learned-
and the knowledge and wisdom 
that has been collected and scrawled onto 
notes of graph paper and plain black composition notebooks
are locked into my mind,
 filled with golden realms full of possibilities
and characters and colors
 and that feeling when you are happy in a sad way.
i am scared to love you.
i am a bit reluctant because i can be
crazy and absurd and out of my mind sometimes 
but i have realized-
{after years of thinking that i had it all figured out,
of desperately lying to everyone, 
because i did not know how to not lie to myself.}
that i am no longer scared to love myself. 

-and with that she carefully folds the note into squares and tucks it in her folder of lost letters, that she had always meant to send, but never had the courage to. this letter was different. this letter was sent. this letter wasn't closure or false promises. it was sent when she accepted everything and everyone. when she had accepted that nights become darker now. that the cold feels colder now. that the crying feels like a sacred, heavenly, yet horrible, practice now. that her love seems scarcer now. but her love is stronger now. forever and ever.-

a/n:

wow, this was intense. this is the official last poem of reminiscence. i appreciate every one of you who have taken time to read my art and vote on parts. i appreciate anyone who could relate on any level to my words. i appreciate you. so much. forever and ever.