Don't Give Up On Me - Dreamnotfound

21

TW: Mentions of/References to death/suicide and overall mature topics

Dear George,

By the time you read this letter, I'll be on a flight to Maine. As soon as the flight lands, I'm heading towards my euthanasia appointment, so I wouldn't recommend you to waste your time trying to stop me. Plus, I don't even think you're legally able to enter the US. Anyways, I know I've hurt you a lot, and I know there's not anything I can do at this point to stop your pain and I do feel guilty for it. I'm not a heartless monster, I promise. But I know it's best for me. Let me explain; you deserve the explanation anyways. Alongside an explanation, I hope to provide you with some tips and advice I've learned from the past few months, paralyzed in an unhealthy mental state.

Many people say depression or self-hatred is a choice. I would like to kindly tell all those people to fuck themselves and then explain that it's not. Just as you're capable of being happy without trying, you're capable of being sad without trying. You can't just tell a depressed person to "just be happy" or an anorexic person to "just eat" or tell someone with ADHD to "just pay attention". It isn't that simple, it never was; if it was, why isn't our world free of mental disorders now? There's so many other underlying issues, invisible and unseen, that contribute to the problems on the surface level, the problems that you and I see. It's not so simple.

For me, I hate myself. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I think, I hate every single trait about myself. And before you ask me why I hate myself, I implore you to ponder this question: How can one love themself when we know all the worst things about ourselves?

I don't know if you know this, but I answered this question on Twitter. The question came from a fan on Twitter, and while at the time I thought I could answer it effortlessly and I guess I did, this question has resurfaced in my mind and haunted and plagued my thoughts recently. How can I, really, love myself, when I know all the worst things about myself? I don't really know the answer, and I've given up searching.

Call me a coward, call me weak, but the monsters in my head have already killed me. I only need to finish the job for my body. And George, I'm not important here. You can't save me, George. But what is important here, or rather, who, are the millions of people who are also in pain that can be saved by your love. Maybe you never noticed the signs in me, but I plead you to pay more attention to the people you love.

Perhaps even more important than noticing the signs, is actually taking people seriously. Denying people that they're in pain, by extension, denies people the help they need, and by extension, denies them to be happy, healthy, and overall to thrive. When you notice that someone's in pain, you should help them. Not tell them, "just shake out of it", or that, "it's just a phase, you'll be fine soon." If my experiences, or should I say, our experiences have taught us anything, one should be able to recognize that that's just not true.

Along with taking people seriously, another thing you should do is be careful of your words. I don't tell you this because you might end up in a bad situation if you run your mouth; sure, you shouldn't run your mouth, but the reasoning behind this lesson or piece of advice is because I don't think many people realize the weight of their words. The affect their words can have on someone, the difference their words can have on someone's life. You can never know if your words will be the last straw for someone. You can never know if your words will be the last thing you say to someone. So keep a filter on your words; or perhaps, at least you should speak kindly. Your words were almost always kind, and I appreciate you for that. But my mother, for instance. I can't lie that her words cut deep into my heart. No matter how hard I tried, the accusations and insults that she spewed that day became infused into my blood, as I thought about it so often that it was just ingrained into my brain. And I believed it. And while I recognize that she was wrong, now, perhaps someone else will believe the hurtful words someone else says to them, and they'd be gone. Just like that.

I'll wrap it up with one last lesson that really resonates with me, and I hope will have an affect on what you do in the future. Sometimes you might get angry at someone, sometimes you might think someone's a terrible person for doing _____, but the thing is, I don't believe that anyone is inherently a bad person. In fact, I don't believe "a bad person" exists in the real world at all. Everyone has a story, and you never really know every aspect of someone's story. Heck, you probably don't even know some aspects of your own story. So reserve judgement. Don't jump to conclusions. And please, don't ever label someone as a bad person. Because in too many instances, you label them incorrectly. People all have stories, and true, you'll probably never be able to learn them all. People always have reasoning and motives behind what they do, so keep your mind open to all the possibilities. Remember: Innocent until proven guilty. You'll never know when you condemn the innocent until it's too late.

I'm rambling here, so I guess my closing statement is: I love you, and I'm sorry for giving up on you.

Yours Truly,

Dream

A/N: We're so close to finishing! Just the epilogue left, now! I hope you all can learn something from this book, especially this letter. If so, my life's mission will be accomplished <3