Not This Time

Nina: July 12, 2013

   "I don't need no license, to sign on no line."
     I stared at the door in front of me with wide eyes. I knew those words. I knew that song. I hadn't heard it in forever, but I knew that song. I closed my eyes again, remembering. I wasn't actually sure where the words were coming from. From the moment he'd spoken to me, memories that I didn't know I had kept trying to surface. Things that didn't make sense to me, but were also somehow familiar. I was shaken, completely unsure of everything I thought I'd figured out. I could hear the guitar part and Jon's voice echoed in my head until the next line came to me.
     Tentatively, I sang back, "I don't need no preacher to tell me you're mine." When I turned back, Jon was staring at me with such hope. I inched back in his direction as the words continued to emerge from the depths of my memories and I sang a little more confidently, "I don't need no diamond."
     "I don't need no new bride," Jon went on. I stopped right in front of him. Just as his eyes were glued to me, I couldn't pull mine away from him either. I did not understand what was happening or where this was coming from.
     I harmonized with him as we both sang, "I just need you, baby, to look me in the eye."
     I could feel tears trying to well. All my memories came flooding back as we sang. I remembered every moment. Every laugh. Every fight. Every kiss. Every secret glance. I remembered it all. I brought my hand up to cover my mouth as I realized everything I'd been missing the last two years. I suddenly felt like I was dying. My chest hurt.
     "Nina?" I could hear the concern in his voice. I could see it on his face.
     "Rockstar!" I breathed. Jon's face brightened with that gorgeous smile of his, but I was horrified. "Oh my God," I choked, letting my gaze drift, "Oh my God, I left!" Jon shook his head, trying to calm me down as he guided back down to the couch. It wasn't working. I looked back up at him urgently. "I didn't mean--" I cried, "I didn't--I didn't know! I-I....I am so sorry!"
     Jon pulled me in and hugged me tight. I didn't even realize my tears had escaped until they were making little spots on his shirt. He shushed me as he rocked me back and forth. One of the memories I'd lost came flashing behind my eyes. We were in a hotel room and Jon was rocking me back and forth, trying to quiet my tears from a nightmare. I smiled slightly at my ability to remember such a thing.
     I pulled away from him and put a hand on his cheek. He reached up to wipe one of my tears away. He was considerably older than me now. If someone who didn't know our history were to walk in, it might have looked a little inappropriate.
     "You grew up without me," I accused through my tears, jokingly of course.
     Jon let out a small laugh. "You left me no choice!"
     I withdrew my hand and wiped my own face with the back of it. "The point is," I laughed lightly, still fighting back tears, "you got your girl and everything turned out the way it was supposed to!"
     "I missed you," Jon sighed, brushing back some of my hair. I couldn't decide if he looked happy that I remembered now or sad that he still did.
     "I missed out," I whispered, tracing his face with teary eyes once again, like I hadn't seen him in years. I wanted those years back. "I walked out on the love of my life," I groaned weakly. I put a hand on his shoulder and took in as deep a breath as I could manage. More tears came, despite my best attempts to keep them back.
     "Hey," Jon said quietly, "It'll be okay. Don't cry."
     God, my chest hurt. The pain had grown intense and it was getting difficult to breathe. I was overcome with all the feelings that came with the memories I'd just gotten back.
     Love. Loss.
     Relief. Regret.
     Joy. Sadness.
     Rage. Passion.
     Pain.
     Jon's forehead wrinkled with worry. "Are you okay?" he asked.
     I shook my head. "Can't breathe," I gasped. I put my hand over my heart. "It hurts." I leaned back on the back of the couch and tried to breathe. I could feel tears leaking out the corners of my eyes. I was suddenly very afraid. Why couldn't I breathe? "Why does it hurt?"
     "I don't know, hold on," Jon muttered, getting up from the couch. He rushed over to his backpack on the counter and rifled through it urgently for a moment, coming back with his cell phone. I didn't see what he dialed, but I could hear the 9-1-1 operator answer the line. "Yeah, I think my friend is having a heart attack!"
     I was starting to feel a little light-headed. I didn't try to pay attention to the rest of his conversation. I was terrified. I had no idea what was going to happen. I'd always figured whatever was causing the depression was going to kill me sooner or later. I just didn't figure it would be so slow and painful. The fear made me want to cry and choking on tears was making it even harder to breath, which made me want to cry more. And so on. My whole body hurt. My brain was telling me just to go to sleep.
     I had no idea how long I'd been laying there before Jon shook me. "Stay awake!" he snapped, still on the phone. I whined a little in response, but didn't try to argue. I barely noticed when Jon got up and went to the door. He called down the hall at someone and waved. I could feel my eyes drooping again.
     "Nina, come on," Jon prompted, giving me another gentle shake. When I opened my eyes, there were EMTs in the room. I looked at Jon as another tear slipped down the side of my face. God, I was so scared. He didn't look much more confident either.
     "Jon," I breathed as the EMTs shooed him out of the way.
     "I'm here," he called, "Just breathe, you got this."
     I shook my head weakly as the EMTs helped me onto a stretcher. It was all them. I felt like a bundle of cooked noodles, like I had nothing with which to hold myself up. I was drowning in emotions I didn't even know I still had. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on breathing, but I couldn't concentrate over the music. One vaguely familiar song was persistently weaving its way out of my memories.
     Never say goodbye.
     "Don't worry, Nina, you're gonna be alright," Jon's voice informed me faintly over the song in my head. I wasn't even sure where his voice was coming from. I could feel the air rushing over my skin, so I knew we were moving, but my eyes were still closed and I couldn't be bothered to open them.
     Never say goodbye.
     "Sir, only family is allowed to ride along," someone said.
     "I'm the closest thing she's got right now!" Jon argued.
     There was jostling, but I kept my eyes closed. I didn't hear the rest of that discussion over the song that was growing louder in my mind. I had the urge to sing, but I didn't have the air.
     You and me and my old friends, hoping it would never end.
     "Jon!" someone's voice shouted as one of the ambulance doors was closed with a solid clang. "Where are you going? We've got a show in Cleveland to get to!"
     "Cancel it!" Jon barked.
     Never say goodbye.
     The other door clanged shut too. Something touched my face and I could feel cool air fill my lungs when I breathed in. There was pressure on my left hand and on my right arm. People were talking, but their words were unintelligible. The song was overwhelming.
     Never say goodbye.
     Sirens. That was all I could hear over the song, and even those were only distant wails. I honestly didn't care anymore. It was too much effort to care. I could feel myself beginning to fade. Slipping away.
     Holdin' on, we've gotta try. Holdin' on to never say goodbye.