Not This Time

Nina: July 14, 2013

     I stared out the window as the patchwork plots of land passed slowly beneath Bon Jovi's airplane on the way back to New York. Tico, David, and Richie's replacement, Phil, had joined us on the ride back. Alec's replacement, Hugh, had gone back to Utah to have some time with his wife while the band had a break between shows.
     Jon was sitting across the aisle from me. I could see his reflection in the window. He seemed pretty absorbed in whatever he was doing on his computer. It probably had something to do with the charity he'd told me about. There was no way for me to know unless I got up and looked over his shoulder, which I was definitely not going to do.
     In the row of seats in front of me, David stood and stretched. He looked around and smiled at me. I could see him out of the corner of my eye, but I pretended not to notice. He turned and put his knees in his seat, leaning over the back to talk to me.
     "You okay?" he asked me, crossing his arms over the head rest and setting his chin down on them.
     I looked away from the window at him and nodded a little. "I'll be fine," I sighed, not really wanting to have that conversation yet. "I'm happy to see you guys," I added, looking around to make sure Phil wasn't within earshot, "again. Too bad Sambora isn't here."
     "He made his choice," Jon's voice piped up from across the aisle. David and I both looked over at him. He didn't look back, and he didn't seem like he would say anything else. He just felt the need to interject that comment into the conversation.
     David smirked and turned back to me. "Interesting book," he said, "Quite the read. Weird as fuck, but interesting."
     I just stared, still smiling. I didn't know what to say to that. He was referring to a book that I hadn't even written yet. I wasn't really sure what was in it. I snuck a glance at Jon, who was completely uninvolved in my conversation with David.
     "I don't know anything about it," I finally replied, looking back at David with a shrug, "I'll try to make it less weird when I write it?"
     David straightened a little, almost like he was surprised. I wasn't sure what he was going to say. He seemed like he hadn't grown up at all, so it could have been some sarcastic, teasing remark. On the other hand, he also had way more life experience than he'd had when last we spoke. I just didn't know.
     "Cool," he snickered finally, with a little smile. It seemed to me like he wasn't sure how to handle me. Honestly, I wasn't sure how to handle him, either. I wasn't sure how to handle any of them. Some part of me wanted to be able to joke around with them like we used to. I just didn't know how anymore. The band on this plane with me just wasn't the band I'd toured with in the 80s.
     And I wasn't the same Nina.
     David nodded and strolled away toward the front of the plane, where Tico was reading a book. I let out a breath of relief and closed my eyes. Why was this so hard? These guys used to be my friends. I knew I'd been pushing people away for the last year or two, but I hadn't realized it had gotten so bad. I'd always assumed that it would stop being that way once I'd pinpointed the source of the depression. But it didn't.
     "Hey." I looked over to find Jon watching me. He raised an eyebrow. "Whatever you're thinking about, stop it," he instructed.
     I could feel my eyes grow wider in recognition. I could remember the last time he'd said that to me. He probably had no idea, but I remembered every moment of our relationship as if it had happened yesterday. Including when I was worried about Dorothea coming to visit Jon on tour. I squeezed my eyes shut as if it would help me stop seeing that memory.
     "Oh God, " I groaned, mortified, "Please don't ever say that to me again."
     Jon smiled a little, but I could tell he was confused. "What?" he chuckled, "Why?"
     "All of my memories of tour are fresh and crystal clear," I explained, opening my eyes again, "The last time you said that to me, we were having sex."
     That stupid gorgeous smile spread across his face and he started laughing. God, I loved that smile. I'd fallen in love with it the very first time I'd seen it. Even before I'd admitted to myself that I loved him as a whole, I'd known that I loved his smile. Christmas in '86. I remembered him talking to his mom on the phone. I just hoped it didn't show on my face.
     "Is that a bad memory for you?" he laughed, turning in the seat to face me fully so that he could lean against the wall of the plane. "I seem to recall you enjoying quite a bit."
     Oh right. We were talking about that. I grimaced a little and scoffed, "It's great, except when I'm looking at you at the age you are now and it's just..." I paused and shook my head. How was I supposed to say it? After a moment, still shaking my head, I just went with the only word that was coming to me. "....wrong."
     Jon laughed harder. "Ouch" he cried sarcastically.
     "Don't give me that!" I defended, even though I knew he wasn't actually offended. I even giggled a little myself. I couldn't help it; his laughter was infectious. "You know you're hot for your age, but.." I hesitated again. "Jon, you're...you're literally older than my dad."
     "Wow, 'for your age.' Thanks for that," Jon chuckled sarcastically, finally getting control of his laughter. He still seemed amused, though, even when he thought about my comment and made a face. "Am I really older than your dad?"
     I nodded. "They had me young, remember? Shotgun wedding."
     "No, I don't remember that." Jon responded after thinking about it for a second, "When did you tell me that?"
     "When we went hiking for my birthday in '86," I reminded him.
     Jon thought about it again. I could see the wheels turning in his head. It didn't surprise me that he didn't remember. He hadn't just had all of his memories rescued from the depths of his subconscious, shiny and new like they'd all just happened.
     "Oh right!" Jon muttered. His face lit up like there was actually a lightbulb that had turned on above his head. "It was in the book! You were telling me about why you ran away from home."
     I nodded again. I remembered that walk. I remembered having that conversation. The book, though, was still a mystery. It was starting to sound, to me, like I'd just written everything I remembered down as closely as I could remember it. Wasn't that a diary? Why would I give away my diary?
     "Do you have the book?" I asked quietly, "Can I see it?" Jon gave me a small smile and nodded. "When we get to New York. I don't have it on me. Dotty's gonna bring it," he said.
     "Oh, is she meeting us?"
     His smile brightened and he nodded again. So did I. He almost looked like he wanted to say something else, but he didn't, so I let my gaze drift. For a moment, we both sat in silence. I couldn't tell what he was thinking, but for me it was awkward as hell. We still got along so well. I was so pleased that his life turned out the way I'd known it to in the 80s, but I missed twenty-six year old Jon who was planning to move in with me after tour.
     There was a soft tone and Jon and I both looked up to where the fasten seatbelt light was now being displayed. As I looked down to buckle the belt sitting in my lap, Jon closed his laptop and rose from his seat. He went on putting his computer away in the overhead compartment as the flight attendant addressed the band over the intercom.
     "Alright gentlemen," she announced. She must have forgotten I was on board. Jon looked up toward the front of the plane as she went on. "We are beginning our descent into New York. Please get to a seat with a belt and fasten that belt around your waist. If you are using a seat tray, I must ask you to please fold it away now. If your seat is reclined, please raise it to the upright position at this time."
     I smirked a little, amused that she had to be so specific with the instructions. Clearly one of the boys had given her a run for her money at some point. I tightened my seatbelt absently, looking out at the city below us.
     "Is that seat taken?" Jon's voice asked. I turned back to find him motioning to the seat next to me.
     With a tight-lipped smile, I shook my head. "Go for it."
     Jon pulled some things out of his pockets and sat down next to me. I ignored him as he buckled his seatbelt and pulled out a pack of gum. After taking a stick out for himself, he held the pack out to me in a silent offering. I glanced at it, then at him, and shook my head without a word. Jon went about his business. He didn't seem like he was going to restart the conversation, so I turned back to my window.
     I faced the window, but I didn't see anything beyond it. I was remembering. I remembered when just sitting that close to him would give me butterflies. I remembered praying, simultaneously, that he would kiss me and that he wouldn't. I remembered that he was willing to give up his future for me, that he'd wanted to be with me. I remembered thinking that we really would be together forever. I leaned my head against the window.
     Where was that now? That Jon was gone. Hell, that Nina was gone. That love was gone. It was a crying shame, honestly. I had no idea if I'd ever have anything like that again. If I wasn't still in love with this man I'd given my whole heart to, what the hell did that mean? Was I even capable of loving like that again? Was that allowed?
     Cade's face popped into my head, bringing an involuntary smile to my face, even if it was only a small one. He'd helped me with songs and taught me guitar. And he'd been dying to take me out since we started touring. I didn't even know what I did to catch his eye, but he was so sweet. Persistent, but sweet. I turned more away from Jon so that he couldn't see the blush that was creeping across my face. I did not need more questions about that.
     As soon as the plane was solidly on the ground, Jon was unbuckling his belt. The moment the plane was slowed to a safe speed, he was out of his seat. We were still taxiing across the runway, but all the guys were up and about, getting their stuff together. The flight attendant was speaking again over the intercom, apparently unconcerned with their roaming the cabin while the plane was still moving.
     Hesitantly, I unbuckled my belt and climbed out of the row. I pulled my backpack down from the overhead compartment and slung it over my shoulder, holding onto one of the seats as the plane made a slow, wide turn. When I glanced back at Jon, he was looking at his phone, which of course reminded me of mine.
     I pulled out my phone and turned it off the airplane mode. Instantly, I was greeted with text messages and emails that I'd managed to avoid for the hour and a half we'd been in the air. I didn't even open them. I knew there were some from Penny and Brian, probably at least one from Cade as well. They could wait.
     Jon stepped up next to me as we all waited near the front of the plane for the pilot to come to a complete stop. "Dotty's looking forward to meeting you," Jon muttered to me.
     "She's met me," I mused.
     Jon smirked. "Well, yeah, but I meant officially. Poor woman's heard so much about you all our lives, you probably don't even need a real introduction."
     "Then how about we not," I suggested with a slight laugh. I was only half-joking, though. I would have been just as pleased to escape into the anonymity of New York without speaking to another human being.
     Jon gave me a pointed look. I could practically hear the words nice try in that look. "If we're going to get those answers from Matt, she's going to be with me," he insisted. His expression softened when my apparently visible anxiety didn't ease. "Don't worry," he chuckled, "I'm sure you two will get along. You've got a lot more in common than you think."
     "Like what?"
     Jon paused and thought about it for a minute. I watched them open up the plane door as he thought. Phil smiled at me as he stepped around Jon and me on his way to the door. Finally Jon smirked and snickered quietly into my ear.
     "Well you've both slept with me anyway."
     I choked on a laugh and shook my head. "That's not exactly a conversation point!" I scolded in a hushed tone, still laughing a little. Jon laughed, too, and gave me a side hug.
     "Come on." He let go of me and walked away. I took a deep breath. For a moment there, the joking felt good. It felt normal. I shook that off and followed the band toward the airplane door.
     I was the last one to pass the pilot on the way out. He tipped his cap and smiled kindly at me. I gave him a small, polite smile in response and squinted as the sunlight, reflected off the concrete outside, overwhelmed me. My eyes adjusted just in time for me to see Jon throw his arm around Dorothea and pull her into a hug.
     Suddenly the stairs down to the pavement looked very steep. Tico and David were already walking away, Jon was speaking with his wife, and Phil was waiting at the bottom of the stairs. He looked up at me and held his hand out.
     At first I just stared at his hand for a second. It wasn't connecting in my head what he could be holding his hand out for. Then I realized he was trying to help me down. Right. I took his offer with a small smile and held onto his outstretched hand as I stepped down the stairs slowly.
     "You alright?" he asked as soon as my feet were on the ground. I nodded again and mumbled a thanks. "No problem," he laughed as he started away from me.
     I was going to follow the guys inside, but Jon waved me over and, against my better judgement, I actually went. I pasted on the best smile I could manage and stopped in front of them. I had no idea why, but I felt like a school kid being called to the teacher's desk. Jon gave me a reassuring smile and then absolutely beamed at his wife.
     "Dotty, this is Nina," he stated, leading her gaze to me. He put an arm around her shoulders. "Nina, this is my wife, Dorothea."