Not This Time

Jon: September 17, 1986

     We had to be on our best behavior. Nina was avoiding me because Doc had joined us in LA for our video shoot. I wasn't even sure why Nina had been brought along in the first place, but Doc had insisted, so I didn't ask too many questions. As far as I'd noticed, she was just as confused about her presence at the shoot as I was.
     The stage was still being set and the director had asked that we not wander around while that was going on, so we were more or less confined to our dressing room. Apparently, the director didn't want us to see what our stage would look like. I hated not knowing. I hated not being a part of it; I wanted so desperately to know what was going on and how everything worked. On top of that, I was bored senseless.
     There was a soft knock at the door and I jumped up to get it, praying that it was someone coming to tell us they were ready for us. Nina smiled a little at me and held up a small tray of coffee cups. With a disappointed sigh, I stepped aside and let her into the room. She kicked the door shut behind her and brought the cups over to the little table between our couches that we'd been using as an ottoman.
     "There's five coffees here for you guys," she explained, motioning to the coffee on the table in front of her. "There should be enough cream and sugar for everybody, but you've gotta mix it how you like it." I didn't reach for a coffee as I sat back down, but Tico, who was sitting across from me did. David hopped up and over to retrieve a cup of coffee as well. Nina smiled at each of them as they grabbed their cups.
     I crossed my arms and put my feet back up on the table next to the coffee tray. "Any ideas why you're here yet?" I asked, looking up at my girlfriend. She shrugged.
     "Not really," she said, "I've kinda just been acting as the director's assistant since we got here. He sent me in here to tell you guys that we'll be shooting just about everything from the second he gives you guys the all clear to get out of here."
     "When's that gonna be?" Alec complained as he leaned in to grab a coffee cup as well.
     Nina held up her wrist to look at her watch. "Probably about another fifteen minutes from now," she sighed, after a minute. She dropped her hand at the exasperated grumble I let out. When I looked back up at her, she was giving me a look.
     "We've been pinned up in here all morning," I groaned, dropping my feet and getting up from the couch again. I wrapped my arms around her waist and smiled a little. "Tell me what's going on out there," I coaxed, spinning her away from the rest of the band.
     Nina only grinned at me. "I can't," she retorted with a shrug, "I can tell you it looks amazing, but that's it." I frowned at her and dropped my hands. She wasn't any help. Nina giggled a little as I turned and wandered toward the door. She came around to stand in front of me, blocking me from the exit.
     I crossed my arms and scoffed at her. "Come on," I said, "I wanna be out there! I wanna be a part of it! We didn't get to do anything but perform for the first videos and they were shit!" Nina looked down at the floor, but I knew it was only to hide a smile. She'd told me in the past how much she'd love the Runaway video if not for the random clips of the girl. She was trying not to smile when she looked back up.
     "That's true," David agreed, "But then we planned the videos for the next album and they were only a little better." I turned and frowned at David.
     "Thanks, Lemma," I scoffed, "Helpful." David shrugged and took a drink of his coffee, unfazed by my sarcasm. Nina's amused giggle brought my attention back to her.
     She shook her head. "You don't have anything to worry about!" she assured me, "This director is awesome. The video will not be shit, trust me." There was a long pause as Nina looked around the room. Nobody wanted to look her in the eye. We all knew with MTV getting as big as it was that the music video was almost as important as the song itself. All of our videos so far had been kind of weak, so we wanted this one to be great more than anything.
     "We're all still a little traumatized from the Runaway video," Richie spoke up, more or less voicing what all of us were thinking. Nina scoffed, but she was smiling, almost like she was laughing at us.
     "It's going to be great," she tried again, "Believe me." She brought her gaze up to meet mine and gave me an expectant look. Then, insistently, she repeated, "Believe me."
     I grinned. "I believe you," I relented with a roll of my eyes.
     She smiled and brought her hands up to rest on my shoulders. "You just gotta go out there and do what you do best," she said, giving me a pretty smile of encouragement. I pause for a minute, a grin spreading slowly across my face at the thought that had popped into my head.
     "Well, I can't do what I do best out there," I said innocently, trying to tone down my grin a little, "That's public indecency."
     "Oh-ho-ho-hohoh!" Nina laughed. She was quick. She dropped her hands and took a step back, bringing a hand up to cover her laughter. Richie was right after her to catch on, making his approval known at almost the same time Nina started laughing.
     "Ayeee," Richie snickered, mimicking The Fonz from Happy Days. I glanced over my shoulder at him and he pointed at me knowingly. I nodded and turned back to my girlfriend. God, she was still giggling. Why? It wasn't that funny!
     "What are you laughing so hard for?" I chuckled, pretending to be hurt. "Are you suggesting that I perform better than I.." I paused and then, realizing where this sentence was going, just went for it, "Perform?"
     Nina laughed harder. She gasped for air, wrapping an arm around herself as she pointed at me with her other hand. "We are not having this conversation right now. Not in front of them."
     I pushed her hand away and pulled her toward me. "We are so having this conversation later." Nina continued laughing even as I wrapped my arms around her again. She let me hug her for just a moment though, before pushing away again.
     "Alright, later!" she declared, "Right now I've got to go." Her laughter had calmed to little more than an amused grin at this point and she shook her head at me. "Don't worry about the video. It's going to be spectacular, trust me."
     "That's what they said about Runaway, too," I warned, only partially joking, "We all know what happened there." I gave her a warning look, jokingly. She grinned at me and rolled her eyes.
     "It's not going to turn out like that!" she scoffed, stepping back to me. She wrapped her arms around my waist and let me do the same. She looked me straight in the eye. Her teasing smirk brought a mischievous smirk to my face as well. "But," she added sarcastically, "Even if it does, don't worry. I still love you."
     My smirk fell a little. Oh God, we were in this situation again. It had been months since the last time she'd told me that, and I'd never said it back. I had reasons of course, but just the thought of explaining them to her was really intimidating. I blinked and looked away from her, trying so hard not to look at my band too, though I knew they were watching. My gaze fell on that same guitar pick necklace she'd been wearing all tour.
     Nina leaned over to try to meet my eye. "Do I get a kiss?" she whispered playfully. I looked back at her and smirked. She'd never expected anything of me. She didn't even seem upset that I wasn't sure how to respond when she said that. I nodded.
     "You can have a kiss anytime you want," I muttered back as I leaned in to kiss her. We didn't hold it too long, knowing it would have been awkward for the guys sitting behind me to watch us making out. She pulled away from me and smiled. Then she waved over my shoulder at the rest of the band as she pulled the door open.
     As soon as she was gone and the door had closed behind her, Richie spat, "What the hell was that?" I turned back around and held my arms out to either side of me. Richie mimicked me, shaking his head. "She said she loved you!"
     "I-"
     "You do love her, don't you?" Tico asked, less severely than Richie.
     I scoffed and tried to start again. "Of course I do," I sighed, shaking my head, "I-"
     "Sure looked like it!" David said sarcastically, giving me a confused look.
     "Have you even told her once?" Richie asked. I frowned. I was starting to see why Nina hadn't wanted to tell them about us.
     "What is the big deal? I argued with a shrug.
     "Women live for that sort of thing, Jon!" Richie scolded, motioning to the door as if Nina were on the other side listening. I rolled my eyes at the comment. I couldn't believe they were lecturing me about this. Nina didn't even care that much!
     I shrugged again, "Sure, but-"
     "If you say Nina's different, I swear to God, I'm going to punch you," Richie warned, staring up at the ceiling like he couldn't even stand to look at me. I shook my head. This was stupid.
     "I wasn't going to say that," I replied. I paused and took a moment to pull back the annoyance that had crept into my voice before going on. "I was going to tell you that I haven't said it yet because once I say it, it's real. It's solid. Once I tell her that, there's no going back. I mean.." I trailed off and thought about how to word what I wanted to say. With another shrug I went on, "I don't want to tell her I love her until I'm absolutely, one hundred percent, no-doubt-in-my-mind-certain that I'm not going to go crawling back to Dorothea the second she changes her mind," I explained, "Y'know, if she ever does."
     There was a moment of silence. They all looked away from me, probably a little embarrassed for giving me grief about it when my reasons were so legitimate and genuine. I stepped back and leaned against the wall behind me.
     "I'm not there yet," I mumbled, "Sometimes I think I'd get back with her if she asked." I hesitated for the briefest second before adding, "And, I mean, I love Nina, I do, but I'm never gonna stop loving Dotty." I paused and shook my head slowly, looking down at the floor. "To tell Nina that I love her while some part of me is still hoping that Dotty will take me back is just giving her false hope. And I don't want to hurt Nina like that," I explained, "She doesn't deserve that."
     Nobody could argue that, but Richie still asked, "She's not upset about it?"
     I shook my head, looking up at him with my arms crossed. "She's never been upset about it," I said, remembering the first time she'd said it. The blush. I smiled a little. "She caught me off guard the first time she said it," I chuckled. Then I laughed, "She caught herself off guard. She was so surprised that she'd said it. It was adorable and hilarious. She's so weird!"
     "I'll agree with that," David chimed in, chuckling as well. Richie snickered a little, too, just before another knock sounded at the door. I was only halfway to the door when Wayne Isham, the director, stepped in. Nina was in the hallway behind him, giving some sort of hand signals to someone down the hall.
     He smiled at all of us. "Hey guys," he greeted, "Sorry about making you wait, but we're ready for you now. Here's the thing. We're gonna go down this hall, and there's a couple of floodlights on this end at the bottom of the stairs. We'll be filming as soon as you guys turn the corner. Take your time, don't race to the stage," he instructed, "You guys are just strolling to rehearsal, alright? Keep joking around if that's what you usually do."
     "Cool," I confirmed, rubbing my hands together excitedly. I was so ready to be out of that room. Everyone but Tico was already on their feet when I glanced over my shoulder. Wayne turned to Nina and told her to run ahead and give the videographers some sort of cue. Then he turned to us and waved us out.
     We made our way to the stage casually, laughing and joking around like this were any other sound check. I punched the air; I was just so excited to finally get to be doing something. When we got there, it was amazing. My last name was painted on the stage floor and the lighting rig was enormous. The whole place was astonishing.
     As the day progressed, we ran through the song about a hundred times with cameras circling us from different angles each time. There were cameras everywhere. It felt like everyone had a camera. Someone was always filming, even if we were taking a break. Hell, Wayne had even given Nina a camera. She'd already surprised Alec once, and she'd snuck up on me at one point.
     "Johnny," she said. I wasn't thinking. I stopped singing and turned away from the mic Richie and I were sharing to look at her. She gave me wide eyes and snickered, "Keep singing!" I slapped my hand over my mouth and she laughed. Wayne had told us to at least mouth the words so they could match the video to the track later, but Nina had just caught me faking as the music went on without me. She just shook her head at me and I rolled my eyes, turning back to the mic with a grin. We spent hours getting to play around on stage. It was great.
     Later, as Wayne explaining his ideas for the next take to everyone, Nina appeared next to me on a stool. She still had her camera on me. I glanced over and smiled, but she persisted. Unsure whether it was filming or not, my smile fell a little and I covered the camera lens with my hand. She smirked and pulled the camera away, hopping off stage and leaving the stool for me to use.
     "We're gonna do a quick wardrobe change," Wayne was saying, "because we're gonna put Jon, Richie, and Alec in fly harnesses. You're gonna need some sort of long coat to cover it because it's gonna look really stupid if you don't," Wayne told us. We all chuckled a little. Wayne glanced toward the doors at the opposite end of the arena and went on, "Once you guys have figured out how to maneuver in those harnesses and in the air, we're gonna essentially do a show for some fans that have been waiting outside all afternoon."
     "Sweet! We get to fly!" Alec exclaimed.
     Those words were the only thing I could think about the whole time I was changing, the whole time I was heading back to stage, the whole time I was getting harnessed. They would have been the only thing I could think about the whole time I was getting hooked up and cleared for lift off if I hadn't looked up and noticed Nina talking to someone about halfway across the stadium.
     She was shaking her head. So was he. I felt like I'd seen him before, but I couldn't place him. He was too far away for me to see any real detail, but something about the way his conversation with Nina appeared felt familiar. I was just as surprised as Nina was when Wayne called her name. She answered back, but my attention was pulled away by my stunt coordinator.
     "You ready Jon?" the stunt guy asked. He was in charge of all of my flights today. Richie and Alec each had a guys coordinating their flights too. I glanced at him and then back out at the floor to find Nina standing next to the director. The guy she'd been talking to was nowhere to be seen. I looked back at the stunt coordinator and nodded.
     "Yeah," I confirmed. The stunt guy made some sort of hand gesture as I started to speak again, "How do I- woah!" Suddenly, there was no stage beneath my feet. I was only a few feet off the ground, but it was weird feeling at first. I felt like Peter Pan. The stunt coordinator steadied me a little before the cables lifted me further into the air.
     There was a lot of playing around at first as Richie, Alec, and I were given some practice time to figure out how the hell we were supposed to perform in these harnesses. The spotters probably panicked every time David stepped near any of us. He'd already given Alec a nice push. Once we were comfortable, our respective coordinators got us back on track for actual filming.
     I was just hanging there, sitting back in my harness and unintentionally swinging in slow circles as the stunt man explained to me how everything would work. I listened to all the mechanics, even though most of that was out of my control. It was when it came to what I needed to do that I really payed attention.
     "So when they lift you off," he explained, "you wanna try to stay relatively still. Y'know, strike a pose or something. You can move, but don't make it excessive. These harnesses are mainly designed for basic lifting and flying. It makes for a cleaner fly if the squirming is kept to a minimum."
     "Yeah, I noticed that," I said as my feet touched the floor again. After all that practice time, I was comfortable with how much I could move; I wanted to get to the moving through the air part. I wanted to actually fly instead of just float a few feet above the floor. I was psyched. Before I could say anything further, though, the director called out to me.
     "Take your stand with you, Jon!" Wayne's voice shouted from the small crowd in front of the stage. I grabbed my mic stand and waved my acknowledgement. This actually worked better. Maybe I could use the stand to help balance myself or something. Who knew. I turned back to my coordinator and nodded toward the empty arena.
     "I was thinking if I'm flying out there, I'd do something like this," I told him, pointing my mic stand out to where the crowd would be. I was very aware of the camera to my right that had been there since I'd come back from the wardrobe change.
     "That works. You'll hold that," he said, "The fly operator will lift you into the air and out over the crowd. You'll probably be up there a little bit, and then you can turn and he'll bring you back." He paused and grinned. "You seemed to get the hang of turning during those airwalks, what do you say we give flying a go?"
     "Sounds good," I agreed, excitedly, "Let's do this."
     I loved flying. The cables carried me into the air as I bounded from the stage, mic stand in hand. It felt odd not being in control of where I was going, but also really amazing. It was fantastic being up in the air, suspended over everyone. I felt like a kid playing Superman, but this time I could really fly. This time, I was Superman! It was great. I couldn't wait to fly over the crowd when we let all those fans in.
     "Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!" Nina shouted, as if she'd read my mind.
     I laughed back, "It's Jon Bon Jovi!"