Not This Time

Jon: August 20, 1987

     I hadn't slept all night and I hadn't seen her all day. After our photo shoot, the band and I had all congregated in Richie's room so I could grumble about the way Nina was acting. I'd told them about the fight and vaguely what it was about, but hadn't shared any real details. Even I felt that those things were between Nina and me.
     Now, as I stood in the doorway or Richie's room, Nina barely gave me a glance as she stepped past me. Even so, I could feel relief wash over me. Not having seen or heard from her since last night, I'd almost thought that she had really left. Somebody behind me cleared his throat as I watched Nina disappear into her room. I took a deep breath and glanced over my shoulder.
     Tico was there. His eyes were on Nina's door for only a second more before he looked at me. David and Alec were standing behind the drummer, crowding Richie's doorway. Nobody said anything for a minute, but it was obvious what they thought I should do.
     Tico nudged me toward her door and then shuffled around me into the hallway. David gave me a glance as he followed Tico out of Richie's room, and Alec didn't even do that. He just walked away, shaking his head a little. Richie leaned in his doorway, arms crossed, and watched with me as the other three walked away down the hall.
     "She's in her room now?" Richie asked.
     I looked back over my shoulder at him, feeling like a lost child. My band was walking away, my girlfriend, if I could even still call her that, was angrier at me than she'd ever been, and I was standing in the middle of some hotel hallway not really sure what to do other than nod.
     "Go talk to her, man," Richie mumbled, nodding toward Nina's room, "Maybe she's cooled off."
     "Yeah, cooled way off," I scoffed, "You missed that gloriously cold shoulder she just gave me on the way to her room."
     Richie rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Just go."
    I frowned at him as he closed his door on me. I was alone in the hallway. Nina's door felt like miles away. Trudging toward it, I tried to sort out what I was going to say to her. Who knew if she'd even talk to me.
     I hated not knowing where we were. I wasn't even sure if we'd broken up or not last night. She had seemed pretty adamant about leaving if anybody found out. And I'd gone and threatened to tell The Bozz about our relationship. How stupid could I get? I was lucky she was still here. Not that I would dare bring it up. I knew better by now. I didn't want to argue anymore. I just wanted to settle this.
     With another deep breath, I stopped in front of her door. Staring at the number brought last night back uninvited. I felt like I was still standing in front of The Bozz's door. I felt like I'd been standing there all night, too afraid of the possibility of losing Nina to knock. I never spoke to him.
     Then I blinked. The Bozz's room number became Nina's once again, bringing me back to the present. I closed my eyes for a moment, rubbed my face, and then knocked.
     At first, there was nothing. I thought about knocking again but I didn't get a chance. The door opened upon a dark room and a very displeased-looking Nina. She didn't say anything, just glared.
     "I need to talk to you," I told her quietly. Still without words, she rolled her eyes and yanked the door open more. She didn't hold onto it, however. She let go and walked away into her room. The door started to swing back closed, but I put a hand on it to keep it open long enough for me to get through. Once it was closed behind me, I realized just how dark her room was.
     There were only two sources of light. The first was the dying daylight that crept across the floor from under the closed curtains and faded out a few feet from the window. The other source of light was the television, which was on but turned down very low. She had cookie packages sitting on her bed, one of them open. I watched as she reached over and turned on one of the lamps on either side of her bed. She still looked pissed.
     "I was talking to The Bozz this morning," she began, "Told him that I was going out to have some time to myself because I needed it. Told him my boyfriend and I had a huge fight and that I wasn't even sure if we were together anymore. You know what he said?"
     I shook my head.
     "He said, 'James, right?' And I told him it was Jamie. He said, 'Seemed nice enough. I'm sure he'll come 'round. If he doesn't, though, you've got until the festival to suck it up. We've got a tour to do.'" She paused and shook her head. "He would never say that to you."
     In spite of the circumstances, I smirked a little. "Not in those words, no.." I agreed. The Bozz would still probably tell me to get over it for the sake of tour, but he definitely wouldn't be as blunt about it.
     She crossed her arms and shifted on her feet. "You didn't tell him," she observed. Something in the way she said it sort of sounded like a question though, which is why I answered, shaking my head.
     "I chickened out," I said. Nina blinked and looked away for a second. It was my turn this time to make a comment that could have been a question. I wasn't even sure which it was when I said, "You didn't leave."
     "I thought about it," Nina told me firmly, bringing her attention back to me. She looked me dead in the eye as she went on, "I thought about it all night. And all morning. When I went out, I thought about just not coming back."
     It killed me to hear her say that. I crossed my arms, but I wasn't mad. I was the one who had pushed her to think that way. That still didn't make hearing it hurt any less. I closed my eyes and shook my head, unintentionally replaying parts of last night in my mind. I hated fighting with her.
     When I opened my eyes again, she had sat down on her bed and was nibbling aimlessly on one of her cookies. She didn't look like she really even wanted to be eating it. I couldn't help but smile a little at the sight of her. She wasn't looking at me, though. She was staring at something on her bedside table. I followed her gaze, but couldn't identify what it was.
     My small smile faded and disappeared in the silence between us. After a minute or so, I dared ask the question that was surely on both of our minds, "So are we still together?"
     "Are you done pretending you don't know why we're a secret?" Nina challenged, finally looking back at me. Her attitude returned the second her eyes were on me. I frowned at the tone of her voice, but she just arched an eyebrow and stared back expectantly.
     "I'm not pretending, Nina!" I protested, "I really don't know!" I shrugged and shook my head. None of her arguments made any sense to me. "I genuinely don't think you'd lose your job!" I defended, still shaking my head. I motioned to her as I went on, "If it's Matt, then that's over, so..." I trailed off with another shrug. She closed her eyes and shook her head a little too just before I asked, "What is it? Explain it to me."
     She set her cookie back down and frowned up at me. "Matt has nothing to do with it," she grumbled, "The only reason I kept it a secret from him was because I knew he wouldn't approve. Okay? There were only ever two reasons we were a secret, Jon!"
     Mocking her, I raised an eyebrow and waited expectantly with my arms still crossed.
     "One," she explained, glaring at me, "I don't want to lose my job, which I do think would happen! And two...." She got quiet and looked away, trying to figure out how to word what she was trying to say. After a second, she looked back up at me less severely and finished, "...I want to stay me."
     What? What was that supposed to mean? How could she not be herself? What would telling people about us have to do with that? I frowned in confusion and gave her a skeptical expression.
     "What do you mean?" I asked hesitantly.
     "I mean," she said, trying to make herself clear, "I'm 'Nina Artelle', not 'Jon Bon Jovi's girlfriend'."
     "I thought you were both."
     Nina sighed and ran her hands through her hair. "I am! But I'm my own person, Jon, not just your girlfriend!" she declared desperately. She pointed at herself for a second and then waved her hands about, using them as she spoke. "I want to be 'Nina Artelle, comma, Sound Engineer, comma, Jon Bon Jovi's girlfriend, not 'Jon Bon Jovi's girlfriend, Nina Artelle the sound engineer," she explained, swiping her hand through the air in a curve every time she said 'comma'.
     I watched in confusion as she stopped swinging her arms about and crossed them in front of herself insecurely. I blinked a couple times, trying to figure out what she'd just said, but it all sounded the same to me. I shook my head and shrugged.
     "What's the difference?" I asked.
     Nina scoffed and motioned toward me. "It's all about you, Jon!" she snapped, "As soon as we go public with our relationship, I don't get to be Nina Artelle anymore! No matter what anyone says, for the first few months until I get some footing, my identity to anybody outside the band will automatically become about you!"
     All I could do was gape at her. My mouth was hanging open a little.
     She shook her head frantically for a second and licked her lips before continuing. "Jon Bon Jovi's girlfriend, what's-her-name!" she ranted, "I'll be lucky if they even bother with my name! Who cares what her name is, right? She's with Jon!" She took a deep, sort of shuddery breath and ran her hands through her hair again, combing her fingers down to the ends. "I love you, Jon," she said gently, "but I want to be me."
     I was stunned by everything that she'd just said. She had never expressed this to me before. Never even hinted. Had she always felt that way? Had she been thinking about this when I asked her to be my girlfriend? Oh my God, how had I not figured that out by now? One of the reasons I loved her was because she was so independent, how could I have not known how going public would affect her?
     She just stared back, waiting patiently for me to get my thoughts in order. For the first time in a very long time, she looked sort of vulnerable. Not the same sort of vulnerable as when she had that monster hangover from the X. This was something I hadn't seen in a long, long time. She almost looked afraid.
     "I get it," I assured her softly. I shrugged. "If they're gonna see you anyway, you don't want them to see you just in relation to me." Nina nodded. So did I. It still astounded me that she'd never brought this up before. Dumbfounded, I closed my eyes and shook my head. "Have you always been worried about this?" I asked, "I mean, you never said.."
     "Even if I'd said something sooner, what could you have done, really?"
     I nodded again. That made sense, I guess. There wasn't really anything I could do about it. It would be just like her to not want to concern me with it. "Fair enough," I said. After a second, I added gently, "I do get it, though." Her eyes were still on me. I offered a weak smile. "I could see why you wouldn't want that," I agreed, still speaking quietly, "I don't want it either."
     Nina shrugged. "Unfortunately, there's no avoiding it. For the first few months at least, that's what's going to happen. That's how it's gonna be until I can figure out a way to make them see me for me and not just for you," she explained, "I was just hoping to put it off as long as possible.." She trailed off and shrugged again. Silence fell between us for another second as she glanced up at me shyly. "....but you're right," she said softly, "We really can't stay a secret forever."
      I blinked at her in surprise and a cautious smile started to tug at the corners of my mouth. She was actually talking about it. She was actually giving the idea some time of day. I couldn't express how excited I was to hear her talking about this.
     "So what happens now?" I insisted, "Tell me what we've gotta do."
     She shrugged, dropping her gaze to the carpet and shaking her head a little. "I've gotta do something that helps me stand on my own.." she said, "I just don't know what yet."
     There was a second of silence and then an idea popped into my head. I couldn't help but grin at it. I knew she'd probably just dismiss it, but I had to offer it anyway, if for no other reason than to make her smile a little.
     "Something like....recording?" I suggested.
     Nina brought her eyes back to me with what looked like a slightly amused smirk. The Stroke. She remembered. "Maybe.." she relented with another shrug. My grin only got bigger.
     "Didn't I tell you that you should record?" I teased. It was a serious suggestion, but it was just too much fun to taunt her. "I knew I'd find a way to get you into it," I snickered.
     "That's beside the point," she retorted, "I can't do anything like that....while we're on tour." My smile faded just a little. This was important.
     This sounded like what I wanted to know. This sounded, to me, like an idea of how much longer we were going to be a secret. That was really what I'd wanted when I'd gone to speak to her yesterday. I tilted my head a little, cautiously.
     "So you're saying once tour ends, we can let people know about us?" I asked. It sounded too good to be true. Finally there was an end in sight, but I had to be sure.
     Nina didn't respond for a minute. She still seemed hesitant. With a deep breath, she offered me a tight-lipped smile and said, "I don't see why not."
     I couldn't help myself. Bursting with excitement, I crossed her room and pulled her to her feet. I wanted to dance her around her room, I was so happy! She'd just put an end date on the secret! And it wasn't that far off!
     "You have no idea how happy I am to hear that," I sighed into her hair as I wrapped my arms around her shoulders. She leaned her head against my shoulder and I ran my fingers through her hair, still just thrilled about this decision. "That's only a few months away!" I commented absently.
     "You can wait that long, right?" she replied, glancing up at me.
     I looked back down at her with the biggest grin I'd ever had and nodded. "Of course I can!" I declared. I trailed my hands down her arms and took hold of her hands as I went on, "God, I'm so excited! We can go out places together! And have lunch in restaurants!" Nina gave me a wide-eyed look, seeming a little anxious about all my plans. My smile softened a little and I nodded. "Okay, maybe start slow," I compromised, "Ease everybody into it."
     She giggled a little, "We can figure all that our closer to the end of tour."
     "God, I can't wait!" I repeated, swinging our hands back and forth between us, "We can do things with other people! We can go to the beach with friends!"
     In my mind, I saw Nina and me and a few friends of mine from my hometown. There were a good handful of people in this imaginary scene, but they were all people I knew. That's when it occurred to me that I'd never seen Nina with friends. I hadn't even heard her mention any besides Matt and his girlfriend. My smile overtaken by confusion, I blinked and looked over at her.
     "I never really noticed," I said, "do you have any friends besides Matt?"
     Nina blinked at me and then, yanking her hands out of mine, scoffed as if she were offended by my question. When I didn't respond to her reaction, she crossed her arms and looked away before admitting, "No."
     I smiled at her show. She was so weird. I wouldn't want her any other way though. I brought my hands up to rub her arms comfortingly. She offered me a sidelong glance before turning her head back to face me.
     "You'll meet some people," I assured her gently, "You'll make some friends, don't worry."
     Nina raised an eyebrow at me. Something about her expression made me feel like she wasn't worried at all. "They're only going to be my friends because I'm your girlfriend," she grumbled, pulling away from me to sit back down on her bed.
     "Would you rather they all be like Matt?" I challenged.
     Nina muttered something under her breath in response. It was so quiet I'd almost missed it. "At least Matt is genuine."
     I put my hands on my hips and gaped at her. "Genuinely what?" I scoffed, "Genuinely psycho?" I didn't understand why she was defending him. Hadn't she met him? Hadn't she noticed how he'd been stalking her?
     "He's my friend," Nina protested. There wasn't any harshness in her voice. "And Emma is too. They may have made some questionable decisions, but they only did it because they care about me."
     Her tone didn't make me feel better. I couldn't help the frown that had formed on my face. I didn't understand her. I didn't understand why she considered them friends after all the torment they'd put her through. It just reminded me that there was still things about Nina that she hadn't told me. A whole other part of her life that produced things like Matt and Emma. A whole other part that I didn't know about.
     I closed my eyes and brought my hands up to cover my face. I hated asking again, because I knew she wouldn't want to talk about it, but I had to know. I took a few steps over and turned to sit next to her on her bed, dreading the words that I was about to say.
     "Are you gonna tell me more about them and your old life and stuff?" I asked quietly after a minute.
     Nina didn't glare at me. She didn't sigh in frustration. If anything, she held her breath. When I looked over at her, her eyes were closed. She looked a little like she was concentrating or meditating or something. It still felt like she was avoiding the question, though.
     "You said you'd tell me when it was all over," I reminded her. Her expression seemed to grow a little pained, but she didn't react otherwise, "...I mean, all that drama with Matt is over now, isn't it?"
     Finally, Nina groaned to herself and opened her eyes, but she wasn't looking at me. She was still looking at the carpet.
     "Right," she said, "Yes, the drama with Matt is over."
     I stared, waiting patiently for her to continue. Instead of going on, she looked over at me for a second. When I raised an eyebrow expectantly, she groaned and turned away again as she got up from her bed.
     "Do we have to do this now?" she complained, running her hands through her hair and then down over the front of her jeans nervously. I watched her do this, but tried to ignore the nerves that it so clearly indicated.
     "Will you ever tell me if not now?" I argued softly, shaking my head.
     Nina turned to face me and held her hands out in what almost looked like a pleading manner. "Jon, I promised," she said, "I promised I would tell you, and I will!" Her gaze drifted once more as her hands returned to the front of her jeans. "It's just a lot to process and we've both got so much to handle already with the shows.." she excused.
     Still watching her nervous habit, I rose to my feet as well. "It's a lot to process, but you don't want me to be concerned?" I defended, using that logic that she loved so much against her, "Nina, how am I supposed be confident that you are who I think you are?"
     With a frustrated sigh, she brought one hand to cover her eyes. I watched her shake her head as she organized her thoughts. Finally, she dropped her hand and looked at me.
     "Everything you know about my past is true, Jon, except for maybe a few minor details," she explained with a small shrug. She shook her head again as she went on, "I haven't lied to you....There's just more to the story than I've said."
     I started to say something, but she beat me to it.
     "But, like I told you before, none of it is bad!" she insisted. She closed the space between us and ran her hands up the front of my tee shirt. "There's only one Nina, and that's the one you know," she cooed as her hands continued up over my shoulders and connected behind my neck, "I promise." She leaned in a little closer and I could feel her playing with the baby hairs on the back of my neck as she mumbled, "I'm just your average All-American girl with some pretty....unorthodox..unbelievable friends."
     By the time she'd said that though, she already had me. I reached up and tucked some of her hair behind her ear, amazed that she'd been able to get me back on her side so easily. It was probably those eyes. Or her smile. I smiled at the sight of it. I loved her so much. I wondered if I'd even care what her secrets where whenever she decided to tell me. I didn't think there was anything that could make me stop loving her. I leaned my forehead against hers and shook my head.
     "There's absolutely nothing average about you," I assured her.
     She smiled a little wider and leaned in to kiss me. It wasn't anything fancy, but I felt like I hadn't gotten to kiss her in months, so it was great. Just short. She pulled away and gazed up at me.
     "End of tour," she said, "and from now on we don't let things build up? We cross bridges when we come to them." She pecked my lips one more time. "Deal?"
     I smirked and nodded. "Deal."
     And then I kissed her again.