Not This Time

Jon: April 16, 1987

     "So this is the set tonight?" Nina asked, holding up the hand written list we'd been working on for the last hour. I took the paper from her and read through the list again. I didn't want to say yes because I wasn't sure that I'd want to stay with what we had. I still sort of wanted to do Never Say Goodbye, but we couldn't fit it in unless we took out another song. The only one I could afford to take out in its place was Without Love, which also hadn't been played in a while.
     I shrugged. "Maybe," I answered, holding the piece of paper back to her. She scoffed at me, narrowing her eyes in annoyance. I could tell she wasn't serious though. She was trying not to smile. She leaned back on her hands and shook her head at me.
     "What am I going to do with you?" she complained, laughing a little. I grinned.
     "You're going to kiss me," I snickered. I leaned toward her, but she just gave me an amused smirk and shook her head again. I watched her get up from my bed and set the setlist on one of the chairs by the window, where her jacket was.
     She glanced back at me with a knowing smile and shook her head. "No I'm not," she laughed.
     I got up and stepped over to her. "Why not?"
     "Because you can't decide on a setlist!" she scolded jokingly.
     "You know I'll have it done by the time we go on," I reminded her. I took both her hands and pulled her toward me, trying to coax a kiss out of her. She just wrinkled her nose and leaned back, away from me, with that same wry smile.
     "You'd better," she said.
     I wrapped my arms around her waist. "I will," I assured her. Her smile brightened and she put her arms around my neck like we were dancing. "I was just thinking about this time last year. When we were in Vancouver recording Never Say Goodbye together," I explained, "I kinda want to play that tonight, but we'd planned on playing Without Love weeks ago."
     "You played Without Love last night," she said, "So play Never Say tonight. Simple as that."
     "We so rarely play Without Love, though," I protested.
     "So play Without Love," she reasoned, "Really, just make up your mind."
     I smiled and pulled her hips toward mine. "I will," I assured her, "It will be ready by showtime." She smiled and let me lean in toward her. I was just about to kiss her when the telephone rang. I looked over my shoulder at the same time Nina leaned around me to look over at the phone as well.
     I let go of Nina and stepped over to the telephone impatiently. It was the concierge on the other end of the line.
     "Mr. Bon Jovi?"
     "Yeah," I confirmed with a slight grimace. I hated being called that.
     "Mr. Bozzett asked me to let you know that a Miss Dorothea is on her way up to your room," the man's voice said. I could feel the shock on my face. Dorothea? Here? I glanced back over at Nina, who looked just as confused as I was. She didn't even know what was going on. She was raised an eyebrow questioningly.
     I blinked and looked away. "Hurley?"
     "Yes sir," the man confirmed.
     Movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention. I muttered a thanks as I set the phone back on the hook, looking over to find Nina gathering her jacket and her show notes in a rush. Something was wrong. It was probably that name I'd just blurted. Nina knew whose last name that was.
     "Where are you going?" I asked as she bee-lined for the door. She stopped and turned back to me, leaning on the door. She smiled sheepishly. I shook my head. "There's still another hour and a half before we head to the venue."
     Nina looked like she was trying to think quick, which meant that she was about to try to lie to me. Something about the way she shifted on her feet seemed kind of nervous. What did she have to be nervous about? It wasn't her ex on the way up from the lobby. After a minute, Nina finally let out a defeated breath; she couldn't come up with a lie.
     "Look, I don't really want to meet her just yet," she sighed, "It's just better for me not to know what I'm up against." She shrugged and I scoffed.
     Did she really still think of Dorothea as competition? I hadn't spoken to the woman since last year. No, it felt like something else was going on here. I just didn't know what. I thought everything was just fine between us, but suddenly, Nina was acting very oddly about Dorothea coming to visit me. Maybe she was just jealous....but I'd never known her to be that way before. I just couldn't pin down what the problem could be.
     "I'm gonna go make sure the crew's all packed up and stuff for show," Nina muttered, opening the door behind her. I rolled my eyes, ignoring how anxious she was to leave.
     "You'll be back before we go, right?" I asked.
     Nina smiled a little over her shoulder at me as she looked down the hall toward where the elevators were. "Call the crew room when you're done catching up with Dorothea," she instructed, "I'll come back so we can finish sorting out this setlist." I nodded absently as she started down the hall toward the crew rooms.
     I watched her walk away. She gave me a small wave just before she disappeared around the corner. I stared at that corner for a moment longer, still trying to figure out what would cause Nina to react that way. She seemed so nervous.
     I was just about to step back into my room with a confused shake of my head when I heard the dinging sound that signalled the arrival of an elevator. I turned to look the other way down the hall just in time to catch the elevator doors sliding apart to reveal the one and only Dorothea Hurley. She smiled when she saw me and I couldn't help but smile back. It was instinctual.
     As she made her way down the hall, I stepped out more to greet her with open arms. Seeing her again was weird, but really great. I hadn't realized how much I'd actually missed her. Sure, I'd seen her at Bobby's New Year's party, but that was awkward and painful, especially with her new boyfriend there. He wasn't around this time, so everything seemed less heavy.
     "Johnny!" Dorothea cooed, throwing her arms around me. I returned her hug with just as much enthusiasm. I hadn't hugged her last time. I hadn't even shaken her hand last time. It felt wonderful to hold her again, even if only for the minute that hug lasted before she pulled away and beamed at me. "It's so nice to see you!"
     "Yeah," I agreed quietly, "It's great to see you too. Come in here, let's catch up."
     I kept my eyes on her as I closed the door behind the two of us. She looked around my hotel room, though I couldn't imagine what for. It was just an ordinary hotel room. When she turned back to me, she was still smiling, like she couldn't believe she was there. She sank into the chair Nina's coat had previously been occupying and gazed at me happily as I sat down on the edge of my bed, opposite her.
     "What are you doing in Philly?" I asked.
     Dorothea shrugged, shaking her head a little. "I work here," she said, "I'm a receptionist at a dental office on the north side. Have been for the past.." she trailed off to think about it and then finished, "Four months?"
     "Did you move to Pennsylvania?" I gaped. She, who had accused me of outgrowing New Jersey, had moved out of state? No way! I was all prepared to call her out on it when she shook her head.
     "And leave New Jersey?" she giggled, "Uh, uh!" She let me exhale an exaggerated sigh of relief before adding, "No, I live in Cherry Hill." That was just across the river from here, but it was on the other side of New Jersey from where we'd grown up. Not that New Jersey was all that big a state.
     I nodded. "Oh, okay," I said, "I mean, that's still a pretty big leap from Sayreville. Bigger than Bradley Beach."
     "Not as big as constant touring," Dorothea countered without a second thought.
     I smiled a little and shrugged. "You get used to it."
     "I imagine."
     The conversation fell away for a moment as we smiled at each other. I'd missed that smile. She was so beautiful. For a moment, how I'd ever managed to walk away from her eluded me. I mean, technically, she walked away from me, but I'd stopped following after a while. How I'd been able to do that, I couldn't say in that moment.
     "I feel like I haven't seen you in years," I announced quietly, still just admiring her with a small smile. "You look amazing."
     Dorothea blushed a little with a grateful smile. "So do you," she complimented right back.
     Silence fell between us again for just a minute. It wasn't as comfortable as I remembered it being. In that pause, my mind wandered back to why we hadn't worked out. We were sitting there missing each other, but why? She'd left me because..because she wanted to focus on her own happiness. I had to wonder if she'd gotten it after leaving me.
     "Are you happy?" I asked gently, leaning toward her. My elbows pressed against my knees where they held me up. Dorothea met my gaze with those beautiful brown eyes she had, and I cleared my throat. "At the dental office, I mean," I clarified, "Or y'know, just in general. Is life good? Are you happy?"
     Dorothea shrugged. "Most of the time life is alright," she answered. Her voice was even and nonchalant. She seemed unconcerned with her response. She didn't know how important it was to me, though.
     "What about, uh," I hesitated, trying to remember her boyfriend's name. Something like mine. Oh right! "..Johnathan, right?"
     "Right," she confirmed weakly. The smile that flashed across her face as her eyes fell to the floor wasn't even a happy one. It troubled me a little.
     "He's treating you well, isn't he?"
     Dorothea smiled back up at me. With a slight nod, she chuckled, "Yeah! Well, he was." Her amusement faded, but the smile was stuck there when she said, "He broke up with me near the end of January."
     I inhaled through my clenched teeth, embarrassed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
     "No, it's okay," Dorothea interrupted, "It wasn't going to work out anyway."
     I tilted my head in confusion. "Why not?"
     She shrugged. "I didn't love him," she stated simply.
     Oh. There were questions I wanted to ask, but instead I only nodded. "Yeah," I agreed awkwardly, "That would kill the relationship a bit."
     Dorothea snickered at my comment, which made me laugh a little as well. I hadn't heard her laugh in so long. Even before she broke up with me, it had been forever. I let my eyes fall back to the carpet at her feet. I had repressed my feelings for her, ignored how much I missed her. I had pushed the thought of Dorothea away. As she sat in front of me it was almost surreal, feeling those feelings again.
     "I'm sorry," Dorothea said timidly. I looked up at her questioningly and she gave me a sad smile. "I'm sorry, Jon, for being so stubborn when you came back to me and asked to try again."
     She really looked sorry, too. It was heartbreaking. I shook my head. "You were dating Jonathan," I reasoned. I would have told her it was okay, but she cut me off again.
     "But I loved you," she declared, catching me off guard. She went on, apparently unaffected by my surprised stare. "Jonathan saw it on New Year's. That's why he broke up with me," she explained, "Because he knew I was still in love with you." She paused to let me respond, but I was still unprepared for that information. When I didn't answer, she added, "And I am, Jon."
     There was no way I could deny that little ember of hope that flared to life when she said that. I wasn't even sure where the hope had come from. I thought it had died out many, many months ago. Just as quickly as that hope had flared, however, it was doused by the guilt puddling up in my stomach. It reminded me very much of the way I'd felt about Nina back in '83 when I was with Dorothea. This time, the roles were reversed and I felt like I was betraying Nina for even hoping that Dotty might want me back.
     Nina was the reason I'd been able to stop hoping Dotty would ever come back to me in the first place. Even though she'd consistently assured me that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with Dorothea, Nina's constant attention and affection only accomplished the opposite. I loved Nina. She'd helped me get over the love of my life, so wouldn't that mean she got that title?
     Either way, it meant that I was now in the position that Dorothea had been in after Diane cheated on me. When I'd gone back to beg her to give me another chance, Dotty was already in another relationship. The tables had turned all over the place in my relationships with Nina and Dotty. It would have been poetic justice if I was still hurting about it. Because I wasn't though, it was just unsettling. What was I supposed to do?
     "Johnny?" Dorothea cooed. I brought my gaze back to her. I didn't even realize I'd looked away. I was just so lost in thought. I didn't know how to handle this situation.
     With a deep breath, I ran my hands over my face and up into my hair. "Wow," I sighed.
     Dorothea laughed a little, if not nervously. "Well I was gonna see if you still wanted to give us another try," she mused with cautious sarcasm, "but after such an enthusiastic response, I'm a little hesitant.."
     I chuckled at her sarcasm and shook my head slowly. She had no idea what she'd done to me. Not even how she'd thrown me off just now, but how she'd messed me up when she broke up with me. She had no idea.
     "Dotty, do you know I've always loved you since the very first time I decided to actually go to first period history?" I asked. I was going to continue about our relationship, but the most random thought popped into my head and rolled off my tongue instead. "Did I ever even thank you for those answers?"
     "You did after class, yeah."
     I nodded and waved my hand back and forth as if I could actually wave that matter away. "Good," I said. "Anyway, the thing is," I went on, "I was head over heels for you from the moment I laid eyes on you. And it killed me when you ended it. I had a tough time getting past you."
     For the third time since she'd gotten there, Dorothea didn't let me finish. "But you did," she assumed, supposedly finishing my thought for me, "Right. Sorry."
     "That's not what I was going to say," I scoffed. She blushed and nodded, motioning for me to continue. I wasn't mad. I wasn't even frustrated that she'd interrupted. I rubbed my face again and then dropped my hands into my lap. I had to just say it. "Dotty, I still love you," I told her, "I'm always gonna love you." I paused one more time, thinking about Nina for a second before I concluded, "But I'm in love with someone else now."
     Dorothea's eyebrows arched in surprise. "Oh." She didn't so much seem disappointed as she did shocked. She didn't ask for any more information, but I knew she was curious. I wanted to tell her, but Nina's words kept ringing in my head.
     If this gets out, I'm gone. That means Jon. That means tour. That's it. Gone.
     I didn't want to lie to Dorothea. She was my first real love as well as one of my best friends. She was too important to me to lie to. I was just a little worried about how Nina would react. I didn't want to lose her either.
     A few people find out - people we don't know, people we don't trust - they spread it around...Please, forgive me, I'm just a little wary of rumors...
     That night on New Year's, Nina was worried about random people finding out. But Dorothea wasn't and never would be random. I trusted her. I'd never known her to gossip. She knew how to keep a secret. I could tell her.
     I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm in a relationship," I admitted. Dorothea raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "I promise this is not me trying to give you a taste of your own medicine. She is real."
     Dorothea shook her head, still a little amazed. "How have I not heard about this?" she scoffed.
     "We're working very very hard to keep it private," I confided, "I'm only telling you because you're Dotty and I don't want to lie to you." Dorothea smiled against the blush that colored her face, but she didn't say anything. I looked her dead in the eye so that she knew I was serious when I said, "I'd really appreciate it if you'd keep it to yourself."
     She nodded emphatically. "Of course, Jon! You don't have to worry about that. You know I don't gossip," she reminded me.
     "Thanks," I muttered with a grateful nod. She just shrugged in response and dropped her gaze, allowing another silence to develop between us. After a couple seconds, I realized that I'd turned her down. She looked like she didn't know what to say. I didn't really either, but I tried. "I'm sorry," I said.
     She looked back up at me and smiled sadly. "No, I get it," she assured me. She twiddled her fingers a little, nervously, and then asked, "So you love her?"
     I smiled absently to myself, staring at nothing in particular as Nina's face appeared in my mind. "Yeah, I really do," I told her. I blinked and looked over at her to find her listening attentively. I smirked. "I think the two of you would really be good friends. She's got a lot of the same personality traits that you do," I said, "That's probably why I was attracted to her to be honest."
     "Because she reminded you of me?"
     "In some ways, she does, yeah," I replied with a nod. I paused and thought about it for a second. "But she's very much her own person, too," I added. Then I shrugged and chuckled, "There's a lot of things that I'm still figuring out about her."
     "How long have you been together?" she asked softly.
     "A little over a year now," I responded. I loved that I could say that. Every so often I'd think about that first tour when Nina and I didn't even exchange words outside of sound check. It was such a great feeling knowing how close we'd grown since then.
     Dorothea was oblivious to that though. "You've kept this a secret a whole year?!" she spat, "Oh my God!"
     I shrugged, shaking my head as I chuckled, "Tour kind of got in the way." I decided to leave out the fact that Nina very stubbornly insisted.
     Dorothea smiled a little and then made this face. It looked like she had just realized something. In fact she had, which became clear to me when she asked, "Was she the girl from the New Year's party? The crazy fangirl?"
     I burst out laughing. "Yeah, that was her!" I confirmed, still giggling at the memory. Dorothea laughed too, but I think it was more at my amusement than at the thought of Nina pawing at me. I shook my head, waving my hands back and forth in front of me, "But she's not really like that," I defended, "She was acting that way to-"
     "To rescue you from the conversation," Dorothea concluded, with a knowing and somewhat amused grin, "Yeah, I should have known. You were making that Somebody-Save-Me face."
     "What?"
     "You have a face!" she laughed, "You make this face whenever you're stuck in a situation you don't want to be in!" I could only assume that she was trying to imitate this supposed face when she pressed her lips into a straight, maybe slightly smiling line.
     "I don't do that!" I protested.
     "Yes you do!" she giggled, "I mean, I can't do it like you, but you do make a face!" I grinned at her but shook my head. I knew she was right. She wasn't the only one who had noticed.
     "Nina says I do that too," I snickered, still shaking my head at the silliness, "She calls it the God-Help-Me face. I don't know what you crazy women are talking about!"
     Dorothea pointed at me, nodded as she struggled to control her laughter. "That's a better name for it!" she said between giggles once she'd settled a little. I grinned in agreement as even her giggles faded away. "So that's her name," she asked, "Nina?"
     "Yeah."
     "Nina, the girl who worked at Dolly's?" she scoffed. It was my turn to raise an eyebrow at her in surprise.
     "I thought you didn't gossip," I teased.
     Dorothea crossed her arms and shook her head defiantly. "I don't," she defended, "but the rest of Sayreville always did." She shrugged. "Couldn't help what I heard."
     I smirked. "In any case, yeah, that was her," I explained, "She moved to New York at some point. I lost track of her in '85. Then I ran into her again right at the beginning of '86 and we hit it off. The rest is pretty much history."
     "Sounds sweet," Dorothea cooed. She put a hand over her heart and stared off into space dreamily as she added in an over dramatic romance-novel voice, "Like you were meant to find each other." I grimaced at her tone. She sounded like she was imagining my love life as a chick flick.
     "Don't start with that mushy, sentimental crap," I groaned, though I knew my grin completely ruined the idea that I was disgusted. Dorothea laughed at me a little, dropping her hand and turning back to gaze at me. I gazed back, just admiring her for the first time in a very long time. 
     We stared at each other for a minute and then she spoke. "You seem really happy," she observed, "This is the happiest I've seen you since before we broke up."
     "I am happy," I assured her. She offered a small smile, but it looked kind of sad. My own smile fell at the sight of it and I asked, "What about you, are you okay?"
     She shrugged the question off with a dismissive, "I'll be fine." I stood as she did so. She wouldn't look me in the eye. That wasn't like her. She was confident and strong. She was Dotty. She was mumbling something about leaving.
     I ignored her later comment and reached out to touch her arm. "Really, Dotty," I said when she looked up at me, "I still care about you. I want you to be happy too. Tell me what I can do."
     As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized I'd said them before. I'd said them right before Dorothea left me. Her shy smile told me that she recognized those words too. She took a deep breath and brought a hand up to rub my arm comfortingly.
     "Just keep being my friend, Johnny," she sighed, "if nothing else. I'd be devastated if we weren't friends anymore."
     With a relieved sigh, I pulled her into a hug. "Mmh, that won't be a problem," I told her, squeezing her shoulders, "You've always been one of my best friends, Dotty. It'll take a lot more than a few rejections to get rid of me."
     "Good," she muttered into my shoulder as she squeezed gently around my ribcage.
     Just as it had earlier, holding her felt right. It felt normal, like we'd never broken up and she was still the most important woman in my life. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against hers. If I tried, I could pretend that nothing had ever come between us.
     Then Nina's face appeared in my head again. That guilt churned in my stomach. I shouldn't have been thinking about Dorothea that way. I loved Nina. I didn't want to hurt her. I slowly unwrapped my arms from around her and she took a step back so she could smile at me.
     She leaned in and pecked my cheek. "I'll see you later, then, Johnny."
     I smiled at the nickname. Without thinking, I leaned back toward her and pressed my lips against hers. She kissed me back without hesitation. To my surprise, kissing her didn't feel wrong. It just felt normal, much like that hug had. It didn't feel dull and empty like kissing groupies did, but it also didn't quite have the same kind of feeling as kissing Nina. It was obvious, even with my eyes closed, that Dotty was not my girlfriend.
     When the kiss ended, I didn't move. I just stood there close to her. Some small part of me wanted to kiss her again, but the rest of me wanted to go find my girlfriend and kiss her. It was only after the kiss was said and done that it felt wrong to me. Like an afterthought.
     Finally, I leaned away, licking my lips. "Sorry," I whispered, "I shouldn't have done that. I just.."
     "I'm glad you did," Dorothea said, "I've missed it."
     I nodded mutely. "Yeah," I breathed in agreement. My voice apparently didn't want to work when I met her gaze and added, "I missed you too." We stared at each other for a few seconds more.
     "Are you absolutely sure you don't want to try this again?" she asked.
     I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, straightening to look over her head once my eyes were open again. I looked out the window at the city outside, reminding myself that Nina was waiting in the crew room, anxious about Dorothea's presence. Dotty was the only woman on Earth who made Nina nervous. It was funny. I smiled at the thought of her and, reassured, turned that smile on Dotty.
     "I am," I answered finally, "Completely. I love her, Dotty."
     She smiled and nodded. "I'm glad for you then," she said. Then, still nodding, she looked away, embarrassed. "I really should go, though," she snickered.
     "Yeah, probably," I agreed with a nod. We started over toward the door together, both of us strolling slowly to prolong the time we had. "Thanks for coming by," I said.
     She smiled and nodded. "I'm glad I did."
     "You should call me in October, after tour's over," I suggested, stopping next to the door, "Maybe Nina and I can make a trip out to Cherry Hill to see you."
     "Or I can drop by Bradley Beach," she offered, turning to face me, "I'll be going home for the holidays anyway."
     I put hand on the door handle, nodding as she spoke. "Same here," I concurred. I yanked the door open and held it open for her. She stepped under my arm, through the door, and turned to face me as I sighed, "I guess I'll see you in Sayreville then."
     She nodded too, backing into the hallway. "Yeah. I'll see you later."
     "See ya," I muttered one last time as she walked away.
     I didn't watch her waltz down the hall to the elevators. It would have been weird watching her wait for the elevator to arrive. Leaning on the door, I groaned into my hands. After that encounter, I was dying to hold Nina. I felt dirty, like I'd cheated somehow. Nina was the woman I wanted; she was the one I loved more than anything else in the world. She had to know that.
     According to the clock on the nightstand next to my bed, there was still about twenty minutes before everyone would start ferrying over to the venue. I stepped over to the telephone and sat down on my bed as I punched in the room number that Nina was supposed to be sharing with some of her crew members. The other end only rang once before someone picked up.
     "Hello?" a male voice asked.
     "Hey," I said, "Could you tell Madame Sound Tech that we need to finish the setlist?"
     "I can when she gets back, yeah," the guy replied.
     "Back?" I grumbled, "Where did she go?"
     I could almost hear his shrug, it was so evident in his tone. "Not completely sure. She came in, reminded us to make sure we had all our personal items in order because we're not coming back, and then she left again," he explained, "That was about an hour ago. Haven't seen her since."
     Great.
     "Well, if you see her," I sighed, "please tell her I need to talk to her".
     "Totally will."
     "Thanks, man."
     I just barely heard the crewman respond, "You got it," as I hung up the phone.
     I didn't know what to do. It was very annoying that she'd told me to call the crew room and then wasn't in the crew room anticipating my call. I glanced at the clock again in frustration before pushing off the bed and heading for the door. I wasted five more minutes going door to door looking for her. She wasn't with any of my bandmates and she wasn't in any of the crew rooms.
     Bounding down the stairs to the lobby, a thought occurred to me. What if Nina somehow knew I'd told Dorothea about us? Would she really leave like she'd threatened? I stepped onto the tiled lobby floor, suddenly panicked with the idea. I scanned the room, but the only person I saw that I knew was The Bozz. He was preoccupied, but that didn't stop me from approaching.
     "Hey, have you seen Madame Sound Tech?" I asked, still looking around the lobby when I stopped next to the tour manager. The Bozz glanced up at me from a file in his hand, shook his head with a shrug, and returned his attention to his papers. Good God, where was she?
     "We're not coming back to the hotel, so you should make sure you've got everything together," The Bozz advised, throwing me another casual glance.
     I was already walking away from him when I answered. He didn't hear me mutter, "I'm trying."